Sorry for not posting or commenting much this week, it has been one of those crazy busy weeks.
Thursday's beta test showed an increase, but not a doubling so I was freaked. Yes, it was an 80% doubling, but still...paranoia. Thankfully yesterday's test was back to a doubling (or more than doubling) number so relief has settled in. Since my beta is now 10366, we are now officially done with the every other day blood tests! Next hurdle...ultrasound.
I am going to call tomorrow to make the appointment, but I am terrified. Doubling betas do not equal a heartbeat. I know this from last time, although everything about this seems different. I have no symptoms what so ever, including no progesterone symptoms. I feel fine, good, normal. Is that normal? Last time, my hcg numbers were off to a great doubling start, but around 6000 they increased, but not by 60% so my local RE had the indication that things would not be good. This time, we don't have that, but is that enough? On the one hand, I want the ultrasound ASAP. I need to know what is going on in there, but living in this state of calm is nice too. Without confirmation, I am living in denial. Denial there may be a heartbeat and denial that there may not be. Ignorance is bliss. My hope is to wait it out for Friday, as I will either be 7w or 6w and we have a better chance of seeing something. But I don't know if I can hold out that long.
***
The GC officially passed the screening this week so we are on our way. I spoke with AL and told her about my situation. She was extremely supportive and told me not to tell the GC right now. Phew, one less thing I need to worry about. As of right now, my plan remains to transfer with the GC as well, but it might change. I think if I am going to do this, I need the babies (I can't believe there might be babies) to be born relatively close together so an April transfer is as late as I would go. They want the GC to do a mock cycle as her lining looked a bit thin during her ultrasound, but I think its ridiculous and am trying to fight it. She has had three successful pregnancies - all took on the first time - so I am not worried about her uterus in the least. Besides, we can always give her some Estrace as well. Ugh, I hate red tape.
I haven't done anything with the lawyer yet, as there is a part of me that just wants to see what the ultrasound will bring. I am probably delaying the cycle, but right now I don't care. There are only so many things I can deal with at a time.
My mind is racing every second of every day going back and forth between my possible pregnancy and transferring into the GC that I am exhausted. I don't know what the right thing to do is. I know how I feel now, but maybe I won't feel that way in two years or ten years. What if I am able to have more children, do I really want to use my DE cycle then? (I don't think this is the case, but clearly you never know.) Will my children resent me for this? What if my pregnancy ends from a complication? What if I can not get pregnant again? The different scenarios are so real and the ramifications are for life so we need to make the right decision. All I know is that A. and I will love any and all children that come to us, no matter how they arrive. We are exhausted from TTC and IF and ready to be parents. We were 100% comfortable transferring two embryos with the possibility of twins, so what is really so different now?
I am just so confused. It is still so unbelievable and I can't really process any of it. If the situation was reversed and the GC got pregnant first, we wouldn't think twice about this, so why is it different now?
-R.
Interesting discussion with regard to "what should we do now"...I know you'll figure this all out in time. Just the limbo right now is the worst part. I cannot wait until your ultrasound...praying daily for a live healthy baby out of this!!
ReplyDeleteThis is indeed an interesting dilemma to have, to say the least. I still think it's a great idea to move ahead with the GC as well, though I am extremely optimistic for your own pregnancy as well. And yes, you should hold out for as long as you can for the ultrasound, so you don't freak out if there isn't a heartbeat yet.
ReplyDeleteAnd here's an interesting thought, though I know you haven't thought this far ahead yet - if you pump enough extra milk to keep your supply up with your baby, you could probably even breastfeed your twibling as well. How cool would that be?
So wonderful to hear that hurdle one is over and your betas have continued to rise appropriately! Very promising!!
ReplyDeleteYou are in a tough spot, not sure what I would do in your shoes. and I am not sure it's fair to even say what I would do cause I haven't been all that you've been thru. I've heard and know of some women having trouble to get pregnant for their first child and then it's pretty easy after. Actually- now that I mention it, one of our good friends just had this happen. (she was about to do IVF- all of her stats are pretty bad too) but she got pregnant naturally and then they hurried to have another when her son was about 6 months old and got pregnant very quick (which they did not expect).
You just don't know. And I can see in your position right now...it's probably unbelievable to you that this pregnancy will work out. But it definitely can and is promising so far.
You've done so much work to get where you are with those DE embryos and your GC too. It would be difficult to give all of that up. Twiblings sound great :) What do you think about triplings?!!! What does DH think about all of this?
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers for your u/s!!!!
So glad that your betas are great and that the bw is over! Yes, you can feel "normal". :) That's ok. If you can, try to hold out so that you'll definitely be able to see something. Either an u/s now to see the yolk sac or hold off (again, if you can) until you know that there pretty much should be a h/b. Please, I know this is easier said than done. I had promised myself this time no u/s until 7.5 weeks (because there would be no ambiguity) but caved at 6.5. It was just too much!
ReplyDeleteYou're definitely in an interesting spot about where to go from here/now. I hope that you're able to give yourself some time to adjust to things and figure out what is best right now. You're in my thoughts.
I am so happy to hear about your betas! The rest will be figured out in time; try not to stress too much right now. One day at a time. It's great to hear that GC passed so you have options for baby or babies.
ReplyDeleteR., I'm so happy about your awesome betas!! I've got everything crossed for a great ultrasound. I'm very optimistic. :-)
ReplyDeleteI think twiblings sounds like so much fun and I have no doubt that you would never regret moving ahead with the GC.
T.
Glad you're past the beta milestones, and I"m hoping the ultrasound looks perfect.
ReplyDeleteThe choice about what to do with the GC is a super personal one. That said, taking advantage of the opportunity you have before you seems to make a lot of sense.
i can definately see how all these thoughts could come into your mind. you've basically tried almost all avenues, thinking it's not possible for your eggs or your uterus, then bam! how could anyone not be confused. then add this natural pregnancy to the mix. it brings another whole dimension into your future plans. it just goes to show you that the RE's don't know everything.
ReplyDeletei may have a different opinion here, but what if you just wait a few months with the GC until you can get your head around things? it's different pursuing a GC pregnancy while you are pregnant yourself. your body will be going through so much at the same time as the GC. it may be too much to take. you are young and don't have to have it all figured out right this second.
as for worrying about your future children and what they will think, i have a hunch that you and DH will love all of your children the same no matter how they come to you!
I am thinking good thoughts for you! As for the GC, what may happen if you put it off? Could she back out? Could she decide to get another couple's embryo because of the indecisiveness? I just post these questions because the commenter above suggesting waiting for the GC. I wonder what your psychologist thinks.
ReplyDeleteT
T
I bet you were terrified with that percentage less than doubling. Good to have it behind you. The u/s will seem forever away. Probably the longest wait you have know to date.
ReplyDeleteI cannot imagine how you feel. I am exhausted just reading your post - there are so many variables.
I cannot figure out why you think children would resent something? I just cant even try to understand because I literally dont know how they could, can you explain?
Rest your pretty pregnant head R. You can do this. You have come this far and you are mighty.
Having never been in our situation I can't weigh in the sense others have... I think going ahead with the GC is good idea if she's on board. My only advice would be to transfer one embryo to her as a twin pregnancy can be much more riskier than a singleton. I hope everything goes well with you and you can rest easy.
ReplyDeleteMy betas didn't double the time I had them done, but I'm currently at 18 weeks and all seems well so far. I have everything crossed for you :)
ReplyDeleteAt some time everyone's kids resent them for SOMEthing, but I very much doubt it will ever be anything to do with this!
'All I know is that A. and I will love any and all children that come to us, no matter how they arrive.'
And that's all that really matters.
xxx
I have been following your story for a while, and just wanted you to know that I, too, am thinking of you, and sending lots of good thoughts your way. I have been thrilled with this recent turn of events, and so hope that this proves to be a viable and thriving pregnancy, and a beautiful and healthy baby!
ReplyDeleteAs someone who has recently experienced pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting a newborn (though without the length and severity of the IF issues you have faced beforehand), I second the the thoughts of the earlier commenter about the GC - what are your options if you postpone? I say this just because pregnancy and parenting a newborn can be HARD (wonderful and amazing, but still, hard!) You've been through so much, I wish for you to enjoy this experience as much as possible, and worry that the "hard" of two babies at once may be too much. The way I see it, your embies aren't going anywhere, and it sounds as though this GC is a caring and proven carrier, so might she be willing to work with you guys a year or two down the road? (And you never know - I have hope, also like some of the others, that a pregnancy may "reset" your body... medicine certainly doesn't understand this whole fertility business!)
Best of luck to you and A - I will continue to be reading and rooting you on, whatever you decide!
Jess
Hooray for clearing hurdle number one and I certainly understand your hesitation to jump right to hurdle two (do you remember Dr. D-bag from my 6w3d u/s in May?).
ReplyDeleteMy best advice is not to rush anything that makes your uncomfortable in the least, whether that's your u/s or your GC. There's no need to stress yourself or the baby, yeah I know - easier said than done.... :) Whatever decisions you come to will be the right ones for you and A. and your growing family!
I keep trying to comment and blogger is making me angry!
ReplyDeleteI am rooting for you with everything I've got!!
I am keeping you in my thoughts and am praying that your ultrasound turns out to be a joyous one! Regarding, what you want to do, I would say give yourself a little break just atleast until the ultrasound. No stress = good thing for the baby in you right now. I know you already know this. You will know what is right when the time comes. All the best!
ReplyDeleteI keep thinking that you must wake up in the morning thinking "is this pregnancy really happening?" And look at that beta, girl! I think this pregnancy is definitely happening!
ReplyDeleteI am sending you thoughts of clarity in your decision making around the GC. I hope you can delay this decision a little bit until you feel more confident with your pregnancy.