Sorry for not posting or commenting much this week, it has been one of those crazy busy weeks.
Thursday's beta test showed an increase, but not a doubling so I was freaked. Yes, it was an 80% doubling, but still...paranoia. Thankfully yesterday's test was back to a doubling (or more than doubling) number so relief has settled in. Since my beta is now 10366, we are now officially done with the every other day blood tests! Next hurdle...ultrasound.
I am going to call tomorrow to make the appointment, but I am terrified. Doubling betas do not equal a heartbeat. I know this from last time, although everything about this seems different. I have no symptoms what so ever, including no progesterone symptoms. I feel fine, good, normal. Is that normal? Last time, my hcg numbers were off to a great doubling start, but around 6000 they increased, but not by 60% so my local RE had the indication that things would not be good. This time, we don't have that, but is that enough? On the one hand, I want the ultrasound ASAP. I need to know what is going on in there, but living in this state of calm is nice too. Without confirmation, I am living in denial. Denial there may be a heartbeat and denial that there may not be. Ignorance is bliss. My hope is to wait it out for Friday, as I will either be 7w or 6w and we have a better chance of seeing something. But I don't know if I can hold out that long.
The GC officially passed the screening this week so we are on our way. I spoke with AL and told her about my situation. She was extremely supportive and told me not to tell the GC right now. Phew, one less thing I need to worry about. As of right now, my plan remains to transfer with the GC as well, but it might change. I think if I am going to do this, I need the babies (I can't believe there might be babies) to be born relatively close together so an April transfer is as late as I would go. They want the GC to do a mock cycle as her lining looked a bit thin during her ultrasound, but I think its ridiculous and am trying to fight it. She has had three successful pregnancies - all took on the first time - so I am not worried about her uterus in the least. Besides, we can always give her some Estrace as well. Ugh, I hate red tape.
I haven't done anything with the lawyer yet, as there is a part of me that just wants to see what the ultrasound will bring. I am probably delaying the cycle, but right now I don't care. There are only so many things I can deal with at a time.
My mind is racing every second of every day going back and forth between my possible pregnancy and transferring into the GC that I am exhausted. I don't know what the right thing to do is. I know how I feel now, but maybe I won't feel that way in two years or ten years. What if I am able to have more children, do I really want to use my DE cycle then? (I don't think this is the case, but clearly you never know.) Will my children resent me for this? What if my pregnancy ends from a complication? What if I can not get pregnant again? The different scenarios are so real and the ramifications are for life so we need to make the right decision. All I know is that A. and I will love any and all children that come to us, no matter how they arrive. We are exhausted from TTC and IF and ready to be parents. We were 100% comfortable transferring two embryos with the possibility of twins, so what is really so different now?
I am just so confused. It is still so unbelievable and I can't really process any of it. If the situation was reversed and the GC got pregnant first, we wouldn't think twice about this, so why is it different now?