Hurdle Two

I have spent the last few days analyzing and over analyzing all of this, and I am still struggling. I think A. and I want to proceed with the original GC plan as we feel that it is best for us and our situation. We are both completely worn down from IF and are scared to death about this pregnancy so right now that is the direction we are leaning towards. BUT, things change, so who knows?

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This morning was my ultrasound. I booked it on Monday so I didn't have that much time to really stress over it, but holy shit was I a mess. I purposefully tried to stay awake longer last night so that I would be extra tired and be able to sleep through the night. The plan worked and I slept for most of the night - but not well. This morning I was a mess. My anxiety was through the roof and at times I was hyperventilating so badly, I almost threw up. A few times.

A. was as calm as ever. He was sure that today would bring good news. I was only hoping to see a fetal pole - I needed to see the pole as that was the first sign that something wasn't right last time. When I got to the ultrasound clinic this morning, the receptionist greeted me with a congratulatory grin, and then I saw the tech. It was the same tech that almost messed up my May cycle, so I didn't have the best feelings going in.

I lay on the table and she put the cold jelly on my stomach. After what seemed like an eternity (probably 1 min) I asked if she could see anything. She saw the sac and the yolk sac. Ok, it's not ectopic, but where the fuck is my fetal pole? She continued with her measurements and I continued panicking and crying. She showed me the sac - lady don't you know me by now, I need to see the pole! During the bathroom break I tried to collect myself and pump myself up for the big gun ultrasound - the transvaginal. I got on the table and just started shaking. I have never been so nervous, anxious and scared in my life. After another eternity she made a comment that I am going to be happy. She said she could see clicking. What the fuck is clicking? She moved the screen towards me and showed me, I was exactly like Rachel from Friends when she couldn't see anything on the screen she had to point it out to me. I asked if there was a pole and what the clicking was, she said, yes obviously there is a pole, that's the heartbeat. Oh.My.God.

A heartbeat. I was not expecting that. A. joined us in the room and I lost control again. I was crying from being overwhelmed and disbelieving that I was actually seeing good news. We did a high five and then it was over. We were given two pictures and then sent to see the RE.

Everyone in my RE's office was so supportive and happy for us. She (the RE) actually swore out of excitement and shock and admitted that she wanted to call me, but didn't want to jinx anything so she stayed quiet - but to know how extremely happy she is. She gave me a huge hug and tears were shed by both. It was amazing.

I was in a state of complete and utter shock for the entire appointment. I didn't know what to ask or what to think so all I know is that the heartbeat measured at 114. She seemed happy with that. I have no clue how far along I am as I forgot to ask, but I think I saw on the paper it saying 6w2d so let's go with that for today. Next ultrasound is on the 27th.

I left the clinic in shock. The entire day has been a blur of events.

After work today, I went to my sister's house to see my niece on her one month birthday (did you know this was a thing?) and I decided that I couldn't keep the secret any more so I needed to spill the beans. We were watching Oprah and today's episode seemed to have an extraordinary amount of pregnancies and baby related topics. It was part of the Australian trip and at one point, Oprah was talking to a lady and asking about her day when she said that she found herself pregnant with her second after two years of trying. I replied, "that's nothing, I am pregnant after 4.5 years". My sister looked at me in shock and we both started crying. She had questions about how it happened, how far along and other usual things, but like me she was just over the moon happy and surprised.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I am choosing to believe that.

-R.