Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Flip Flopping

For the past week all A. and I have been doing is obsessing about the decision to go ahead with the GC or not. It is not about using a GC or using DE that is affecting our decision, it is whether we want to have two kids three months apart. It is hard for me to believe there may actually be a Take Home Baby in eight months, and I fear that this is clouding my judgement.

I can only think short term right now. How great it would be to finally be done with building our family. Two kids, close in age...would be great. We would still be in that baby mode when the second comes around, that although yes, I can only imagine how difficult it will be, but from where I'm sitting, what isn't difficult? One kid is tough. Twins are tough. People get through it, I can get through it. Maybe if I had a crystal ball that showed me that everything would be ok, I would feel more secure, but right now I am just terrified. Terrified of making the wrong decision, of making the right decision, of making any decision actually.

What if we went through with it? We would forever be explaining to the world why are children are three months apart. Will they resent this? Will the second feel as loved as the first? WIll the first feel as loved as the second? I won't be able to just sit and take in all the moments. I will be busy. Very busy and may miss things. I will be able to stay home for the full year with the first, but not the second, is that fair?

I want to get to a place where I feel excited about my pregnancy (assuming it is still going on and healthy). Will I be able to enjoy two simulatenously? Will I be able to give the GC the attention that she deserves during this time?

These are some of the thoughts running through our minds. We are no closer to making a decision than we were yesterday. If you have ever been in a similar situation, I would love to hear your thoughts (and if you haven't as well).

-R.

27 comments:

  1. oh my, such hard choices. I hate this part of IF, we never have it easy and face issues that fertiles never imagine having to thinking about. There is no right answer here and your family will adjust no matter which way you go. Hang in there R.

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  2. Sorry if I missed this, but does the GC have any view on this?

    I ask because I was in a somewhat similar (though certainly not exactly the same) situation where our 1st GC was pregnant and we wanted to start right away with an FET with our 2nd GC before the 1st GC delivered.


    niobe

    Some of the GC's I spoke with did not want to even consider an FET until after the first baby was born, while others were fine with going ahead immediately.

    In the end, because of insurance issues, we delayed the FET with the 2nd GC until after the 1st GC had delivered so that the kids are 15 months apart -- reasonably close in age, but not like having two infants at the same time and it's been great.

    So, if the GC is okay with it, I think that having two just a few months apart would be awesome!

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  3. oops, "niobe" was supposed to be the signature, not in the middle of the comment. Sigh.


    niobe

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  4. It sounds like you and A are really taking the time to consider all angles, so I'm confident that you'll make the right decision eventually. That is really tough, and I'm not sure what I would do in that situation either. My advice would be to wait it out through the first tri, and then see how you feel. The risk of m/c goes down so much at that point, you may start feeling a little more assured about your pregnancy. This may or may not change your feelings toward a GC.

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  5. I can't imagine having to make this decision, although from everything you're discussing, my gut feeling is that the right thing for you would be to go for it. It'd be terribly hard to manage two children three months apart, but I'm sure it's doable! As you say, people manage. I suspect the worst part would be when the first is born, hits its fussy peak and you start panicking about the second coming so quickly--and the only answer to that is to not worry about it, but take it one day at a time.

    I know I've come across at least one family who has boys less than six months apart due to adoption, so you wouldn't be the first person in that situation, and with them being so close, you'll pretty quickly hit the stage where they'd be assumed to be twins, so you wouldn't have to do explanations if you didn't want to. I doubt it'll make a blind bit of difference to your actual children--it's no weirder to them than any other ART set-up, and by the time they can understand it fully, they should already be pretty secure in how much you love them!

    Best of luck with it. It must be so hard to have to think about it while not making assumptions about this pregnancy. Whatever you decide, may all go well.

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  6. Wellll...you know my take on this since we're essentially going to have two children three weeks apart, and yes, we'll forever be having to explain that no, they're not twins, ours are not even related genetically at all. I know it's scary--believe me I know--but for us we wanted to two kids and we didn't want to go through the adoption process twice. So obviously our situation is a little different but sorta similar.... Plus our ages factored in too, and you are much younger than DH and I :)
    Wishing you an easy decision! One thing I do know--if you do both, you'll manage. You won't know anything different so you'll just do it.

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  7. What a decision for you both to have to make.

    If you have always wanted more than one child and believe you can cope with two children so close in age then why not go for it.

    I wish you all the best whatever decision you make x

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  8. Can't help you out on the GC front as that is not my experience. Having children myself & pulling from conversations I have had with other mothers, I would not worried about them feeling/not feeling loved, being completely fair, equally dividing attention or missing out on the details (or even big moments!). Life alone makes much of that impossible, but those are certainly the hard facts of having more than 1 child, whether 3 months apart or 3 years apart. I think all siblings, regardless of age differences, at some point question who is the favorite, who gets more attention, who "always" gets their way, etc. It's only natural. You & your hubby will go through the same thing too about who the kids like more, who has it easier, who they "always" listen to, etc. Being aware will help you try to balance them more, even though it will be impossible to be exactly equal.

    I would have the total confidence that you CAN handle whatever gets thrown your way- look at what you have already been through & have remained strong, together, united- you will be able to handle 1. Or 2. Or both 3 months apart. In life, you will probably go through much harder things than having 2 children close in age. You have already handled one (IF) so graciously too.

    Don't worry about what others think or what they may say or how they may judge. They will do that regardless- about your parenting, about your lifestyle, just about anything under the sun. As long as you & your husband make the right decision for you both, then that's all that matters. There will always be plenty of love.

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  9. I really don't have any advice to offer, other than trust you gut. I think you can totally handle 2 kids 3 months apart, and I know you"ll have plenty of love for both. Good luck making the decision.

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  10. I am conident that you will make best decision for your family... I can't weigh in at all. Wil be thinking and praying for you as you make this decision. Sounds like you have a good support network if you were to have 2 young ones. Have you told GC your pregnant at this point?

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  11. r,
    i think it is good to just take these thoughts day by day. is there a deadline in terms of finances in which you can cancel the fet if you changed your minds?
    i don't have any experience to base this on, although i did consider doing a dual transfer into my body and a gc, but i was too afraid of the prospect of the multiples that could come from that (2 sets of twins, omg...). i actually asked my husband what he thought, and he said it comes down to time... if you hedge your bets on both pregnancies, it is not that bad of an outcome!! basically twins. i have cousins that are only 10 months apart, 'irish twins'. seems like a great outcome! if you consider the worst case scenarios, in that you decided not to do the fet with you gc, and then you lost the pregnancy (hate even typing that out... forgive me), you would then have to wait a few more months to achieve a pregnancy with an fet (and possibly lose the opportunity to use this gc, and you like her). i suppose there is always the possibility that the first fet would not take, and then the age difference between the 2 babies would be greater if you decided to do a second fet with her right after.

    i guess you just keep weighing in all the aspects, and in time you will come to a place of peace about your decision. i guess it would be good to see what the gc feels, too, as you wouldn't want any weird feelings happening during your pregnancies!!

    i hope i didn't offend with anything i wrote- these are just my thoughts. i am hoping for the best for you, no matter what you choose to do!

    -soulshine

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  12. R., I know that you & A. will figure out what's right for your family and I'm positive that whatever decision you make, your children are going to feel very secure in your love for them!

    T.

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  13. I've come to you via Roccie. Unfortunately I don't have any real advice to give but couldnt read and run. Your story is amazing and I think not knowing exactly what to do is ok for now. Its not something that can be decided over a quick cup of coffee, so it makes sense that you're flip flopping. I dont think you should be hard on yourself for that.
    THinking of you and sending great thoughts to you and your pregnancy.

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  14. I don't even know how I stumbled across your blog. From lostandfoundandconnectionsabound I think. Anyways, we were in the process of adopting and found out we were pregnant. Didn't know what to do. Long story short, it's 4 years later. Our girls are 9 months apart and absolute best friends. I can guarantee you won't regret it if you go ahead with it....but you may regret it if you don't. We went from 2 kids to 4 in a very short time span. It's doable....and oh so worth it.

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  15. R-

    Keep in mind this is coming from a very sleep-deprived new mother of an almost 6 week old who is "high maintenance". It is a lot of work to take care of one! Now that I am actually a mother I have a whole new admiration for parents of twins. I used to think twins would be great but now I think it may be too much to handle, at least for me. So something to think about. You may want to space them out a little further than 3 months.

    Best wishes making your decision.

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  16. I don't have any words of advice- Just wanted to say I am thinking of you and know that you & A will make the decision that is right for you. Hugs my friend!

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  17. I think you have lots of good comments already and we will all support you. Another plus is that you have your family to help you out. This is one thing that I will not have. I live far away and the only way to get here is to take a plane and it isn't cheap.

    T

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  18. this is mind blowing, R. I don't even know what to say, but I am so curious to know what you and A will decide to do. I think there isn't a wrong choice in this situation. You just have to figure out what you feel is the best course of action for you two as a couple. With all the choices that kept being taken away from you on this IF journey, it must feel so strange to now be faced with this choice, this abundance.
    My thoughts are with you.

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  19. Do I think parenting infants 3 months apart would be challenging? Of course. Do I think it's manageable? Of course. This pregnancy is so precious, so unexpected, I can't imagine how you must be feeling. But if you know you want more than one child, I think the answer here is obvious. Keep going with your planned pregnancy as well as your spontaneous one. Yours is an amazing story. I'm single, so there's no chance for me of a miraculous conception as I await my DE cycle...

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  20. what a tough decision to make..i'm sure you'll make the best decision for YOU. and that's who you have to think about YOU. no one else.

    honestly, if it was me, i think i'd want to go down both paths, just to be on the safe side. and wow, at the end of the day if you end up with two beautiful children instead of one, that's what your path has lead you to. you're going to be a wonderful mum!

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  21. I don't have any personal experience, but Leah at http://life-according-to-leah.blogspot.com/ unexpectedly became pregnant while in the middle of an adoption from Ethiopia. Of course it is not the same situation, but she also had concerns about having two children so close in age to each other and struggled with whether or not to go through with the adaoption. She might have some insight into what went in their decision.

    No matter what you guys decide, it will ultimately be the right decision for you guys. I wish you all the luck with your current pregnancy and with any future ones!!

    Suzanne

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  22. Just to offer another take on things... It seems to me that your situation is very different from some of the ones referenced so far, in which an adoption or surrogacy was already underway when pregnancy occured. Because your embryos are frozen - they aren't going anywhere, and can be saved until a later date, unlike a live, growing or birthed baby. Of course, you CAN take care of two babies at once, I have no doubt, people can adapt to many difficult things. I think the question should be, do you (and A) WANT to parent that way? Two is definitely different than one in terms of your experience of parenthood, and it doesnt seem to me that you should feel pressured or forced into that just by the sheer crappy-ness of what you have been through the last few years or by fear of something happening to this pregnancy.

    When is the latest you can make the call on the GC? Can you put off the decision until you are out of the first tri and (hopefully) feeling more secure about the pregnancy? You maybe feel very differently if you can get to a place of actually believing you are pregnant. Your embies aren't going anywhere!!

    Supporting you whatever you decide. It really is a decision only you and A can make. Trust your gut, but try not to let your decisions be driven by fear. That is what I hope for you.

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  23. I say go for it! You would have accepted twins if any of your IVFs worked...the first few months will be tough. Or maybe not? Maybe you will have learned all the tricks and know what to do with the second one as you have a 3 month advantage. Perhaps for the first few months people will ask whats with the age difference (my A says "who cares!!") and then after that they babies will be so close in development anyway everyone will just assume they are twins. At this time the public at large will believe they are twins. And as the family gets older, I always thought that twins...in your case...twiblings...was the neatest way to raise a family. Twin families seem so bonded so close. As for mat leave...well you know I am planning only a 6 month leave for one kiddo so you know that I am ambivalent with that decision but everyone's different. As for disclosure to the DE/GC child, you don't have to figure it all out just yet...I don't and I don't plan to. It will come to you in time...even if you wait for a year until your current pg baby is born and then have another via GC, you will have the same challenge. If anyone can do it...its you and A. My A and I say go for it!!

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  24. Some very smart comments here, but the one thing that stands out to me is Don't "let your decisions be driven by fear". That is so very true. Look, it's totally understandable given your history that you would want to do both. You have invested much time, money and emotion into this whole IF journey... how could you just walk away now? totally get it! However, your embies aren't going anywhere, and although you are very comfortable with your GC, that doesn't mean another situation may not come up as well (either with her at a later date, or someone else). Also, you may find that your body is now more co-operative, and you could have another non-medically induced pg in your future.
    No one can know the future. R, you have to ask yourselves, is this the best decision for me, or for the children that you'll have?

    If twins came to you, that would be one thing... you don't choose that, it's fate. To experience the gift that you're going through now offers you the choice. Yes, you want to expand your family, but if you have the option of 1 at a time (especially as first time parents), you really need to consider it. I know that as people experiencing IF, that we tend to come at this from that angle (that's all we know), but someone with kids will have a totally different perspective. Your first child will be the greatest experience of your life, but will also be the greatest challenge. It's difficult at times... could you do 2 kids 3 months apart... sure, you could do a lot of things... but there's so much that goes into being a Mom that you don't know now... maybe waiting, and gaining perspective (for a little while anyways) would be a good thing for you and A.

    Of course, everyone who loves you will respect and support your choice 100%, and maybe you'll feel differently about things as your pregnancy continues and you feel more secure about it.
    It's good to really think about this, as it involves human life. Not only the way it will impact you and DH, but the impact on the children themselves - it's a HUGE choice.

    I know you keep most of your journey private, and your sounding board is here, but perhaps getting the advice of people with children, in addition to that of women who are dealing with IF will give you a more balanced perspective... remember, most of us will tell you to "go for it", but you are the one who will have to live it.

    Lots of love to you, R!

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  25. Hi! I have been reading/watching through a friend. I have the experience of 15 months apart and it is HARD. There are so many days that I think having them much closer together would have been much easier. I would say 3 months is a very doable situation. There are a lot of advantages. Reading some of your other posts, I think it might be advantageous for you to sit down with someone who has more than one child and brainstorm the pros and cons. Before I became a parent, there was NO way that I could imagine some of the things I have dealt with. Having kids 15 months apart, I have not slept in 3 years (now, my husband is in military and gone A LOT--so a bit different to have family support around--it sounds like you have a wonderful support system!!!)... having them only 3 months apart, you would cut that in half and be back to sleep in no time!

    That was more wordy than I had planned... good luck to you and I look forward to following along!!!

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  26. I have a buddy at work who is a graduate of the IF trenches. He and his wife did 2 retrievals and a total of 5 transfers. The last transfer she was desperate and talked her RE into transferring FOUR so she could just get it all behind her. Never pregnant.

    2 failed adoptions.

    Then a successful adoption. Roughly four months into it, yeah, she gets pregnant. In the end they have 2 healthy baby girls.

    I made a comment that it must have been like twins, right? He said it was a little tougher - different diaper sizes, mobility stages, etc but of course could not imagine it any other way.

    I would be happy to connect you with his wife. She is a doll. How could she not be? She gets it all. His sister was an egg donor after seeing what they went through. The whole family gets it.

    I think whatever you choose will feel exactly right when you have the take home baby/babies. You know what I mean?

    I understand your worries about the children's emotions. I struggled with it myself but it eventually worked itself out and I resolved it. I think the fact that it just crosses your mind can tell you it wont be an issue because you wont let it become one.

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  27. Obviously it's not at all exactly the same scenario, nevertheless she additionally experienced considerations about having two children so close in get older to one another along with struggled along with getting in touch with undergo with all the adaoption. She might have several understanding of just what travelled of their selection.
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