For the past week all A. and I have been doing is obsessing about the decision to go ahead with the GC or not. It is not about using a GC or using DE that is affecting our decision, it is whether we want to have two kids three months apart. It is hard for me to believe there may actually be a Take Home Baby in eight months, and I fear that this is clouding my judgement.
I can only think short term right now. How great it would be to finally be done with building our family. Two kids, close in age...would be great. We would still be in that baby mode when the second comes around, that although yes, I can only imagine how difficult it will be, but from where I'm sitting, what isn't difficult? One kid is tough. Twins are tough. People get through it, I can get through it. Maybe if I had a crystal ball that showed me that everything would be ok, I would feel more secure, but right now I am just terrified. Terrified of making the wrong decision, of making the right decision, of making any decision actually.
What if we went through with it? We would forever be explaining to the world why are children are three months apart. Will they resent this? Will the second feel as loved as the first? WIll the first feel as loved as the second? I won't be able to just sit and take in all the moments. I will be busy. Very busy and may miss things. I will be able to stay home for the full year with the first, but not the second, is that fair?
I want to get to a place where I feel excited about my pregnancy (assuming it is still going on and healthy). Will I be able to enjoy two simulatenously? Will I be able to give the GC the attention that she deserves during this time?
These are some of the thoughts running through our minds. We are no closer to making a decision than we were yesterday. If you have ever been in a similar situation, I would love to hear your thoughts (and if you haven't as well).