A Possible Miracle

Do you believe in miracles? I didn't. I don't. Miracles don't happen to people I know. At least, they didn't. Until New Year's Day.

I still hadn't seen AF so I decided to POAS, I think you can imagine my surprise when a faint + came on the screen. Holy Shit, what is happening. This can't be happening. The doctors told me I can't get pregnant or carry a pregnancy. How can this be happening? Seeing as it was a stat holiday, I went to the ER to get a blood draw. The intake worker looked at me like I was crazy, until I explained that it was near impossible for me to be pregnant and I need to know, now. She agreed. After what seemed like an eternity (two hours) I got my answer, 28. I am pregnant.

Seeing as we weren't trying, didn't know when CD1 was or how long my unmedicated cycles are, and that I have never ovulated before, we have literally no idea how into a pregnancy we are. A. and I tried to figure out when this happened. To be honest, we don't have sex a lot these days, as I am just not feeling it. Loosing the genetic connection and the pregnancy connection this year has been rough. I don't always feel like a woman or desirable and the last thing on my mind is sex. I can remember two times since the BFN.

Option 1:
Dec. 18 - I remember this because it was the night my sister went into labour and we got the call right after. If this is the night of conception, then it is over before it began. 28 would not be a strong number.

Option 2:
Dec. 25 - I remember this because we had just come back from my sister's house and we engaged in a "quickie". If this is the night of conception, then 28 can keep us in the game.

So where does this leave me? Um confused, shocked, stunned, surprised, over the moon and angry. I didn't ask for this. I don't want a pregnancy that is short lived. I hate living in this constant state of terror of analyzing pee sticks and seeing if the lines are darker than before (which they are not). I fear this does not have a positive outcome and that makes me furious. 2011 was supposed to be my year. Why the hell is it starting out like this? What did I do to deserve this pain and torture?

It is incredibly hard to give up on yourself. To say goodbye to the possibility of having a daughter that has your eyes and smile or a son with your hair and nose was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Coupled that with the knowledge that I wouldn't carry the pregnancy was at times, too much to bear. And now, finding myself in this place. I am overwhelmed.

A. and I want so badly for our miracle to be real, but I fear it is not. I am not hopeful that tomorrow's beta will rise let alone double. In our four years of trying, we have never experiencing a positive test from doing it the free way - so either way, this was a miracle. Please don't let it be over.

There is so much more to say, but for today I am putting my energy into tomorrow's test. Please let this miracle work.

-R.

On a side note - please don't mention this on IVFC as I don't want my nurse to find out yet.