The Plan

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and personal stories with me, A. and I have read them and they have helped a lot. We decided to go ahead with the GC as planned...for now. Once (if) we hit the 12-week mark and things look ok, we may reevaluate, but for now, we are committed to this plan. We also decided to not tell the GC yet. We consulted with AL and we all agreed that she does not need to know now. Of course we would tell her before a transfer, but right now, I do not feel safe with my own pregnancy that I just don't want to deal with that.

Our transfer is set for March 11, but our legal contract needs to be in place by Feb.9th and I am not sure that will happen, so who knows how far back will be pushed. AL is working hard to make this happen for us, but right now, I just don't know what will happen. I am trying to be relaxed about both situations so that I don't get too attached to any outcome. The lawyer will receive his retainer Monday by lunch and then we will know if this is doable or not. Fingers crossed.

On Thursday we had our second ultrasound. I was feeling pretty calm leading up to it, but come Wednesday night I was a mess. Driving on the way, I started hyperventilating and crying. I was petrified that the heart stopped and this would all be over. Thankfully, things still look good. It measured 9mm with a heartbeat of 165. Relief.

A. was with me and after the scan we met with the RE. She told me that my reactions are completely normal. That I am living week to week and I feel relief for a few days after the scan, and then go back to worrying. It won't hurt the pregnancy to feel like this, but I should try and enjoy some moments. All we have is now and if the worst happens, we will deal with it. I am trying to do that but it is difficult.

In her effort to make me a normal patient, she referred me to an OB. It took her a few moments of thought and consideration before making her suggestion. I picked the hospital, and she did the rest. She assigned me to a high-risk dr that specializes in people like me. Nut jobs. People that have been through a lot to get pregnant that need a little extra hand holding and may be a bit nuts (or in my case, a lot). I don't think we meet this doctor until after twelve weeks, but just having the referral is a big step for me.

She put us on a weekly ultrasound plan because as she says, the research shows that frequent monitoring helps to reduce anxiety and miscarriages in the nutsos. Ok, I like that. I can only imagine how much worse off I will be without the scans.

I started having infrequent bouts of nausea from about 6.5weeks, but now they are more stable. I am not throwing up, but I am constantly nauseous and I am loving it. I have tried many natural remedies (candied ginger, tea, crackers), and so far the crackers are working. I did hear of some candies that are supposed to relieve the nausea so I am going to try those as well. If you have other remedies, I am all ears. (I am totally open to taking medication, however it is manageable right now, but if it gets worse than to the pharmacy I will go.)

On another note, A. and I babysat tonight. My sister had to go out unexpectedly for about an hour and half and so we watched her. It was the first time we were alone with an infant and we did a great job. Of course it is way easier to watch a baby for a short time, but for us, this was a huge milestone. I have been spending more time with her lately and she is just so cute, that I fall more in love with her cuteness every time I see her. (Thank you to those who told me that would happen.)

I'm in a better place right now. I feel hopeful that 2011 will bring me a take home baby (one way or another) and A. and I are and have been in a great place. I am so glad the devastation from the summer is behind us and we can focus on other things. I won't lie, I think about that pregnancy all the time. I am acutely aware that the due date anniversary is around the corner in February, and although it will be incredibly sad, we will get through it.

-R.