Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Scared Shitless

How am I feeling? Completely terrified and in utter shock. I am still trying to process the hugeness of this, but I can't. I can't wrap my head around the fact that for once my body did what it was supposed to do. It ovulated. Do you realize how huge this is?! Then A and I miraculously had sex during the window of ovulation - luckily it happened on a weekend. And then, the sperm actually hooked up with my crappy eggs, absolutely amazing.

If this works, it will be a true miracle. Of course, I would never say its because we just relaxed. In fact, I was probably at one of my most stressful times - the birth, the MFM dr and the GC letter, GC's ODWU so I really don't think stress or less stress has anything to do with it.

A is 1000% convinced this is all going to work out. He cannot even consider the possibility that it is a short lived miracle. I am scared out of my mind for what this will do to him and his spirit if the worst should happen. He says it would be the cruelest joke on earth and he is right.

We didn't ask for this. We didn't have timed intercourse. We just had the "five minute fuck".

Don't get me wrong, I would love nothing more than to be pregnant and see my baby in nine months, but if that is not to be than why the fuck did my body need to start working now?

When we first had the positive test, I consulted with dr LisainSK and we decided I should take Endometrium (I told the nurse when she called about the beta and said that was good). I'm glad I did. I am not on any estrogen support and maybe I need to be. If the test doubles tomorrow, I will ask. I have begun spotting today and it is FREAKING me out. Yes, spotting can be normal, but nothing about this situation is normal so I don't know what to think.

So that's where I'm at. Totally freaked out. Nervous for tomorrow's beta and scared for myself and my husband.

-R.
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19 comments:

  1. PieJanuary 4, 2011 at 5:28 PM

    I'm nervous and excited right along with you. Everything is crossed, I'm really hoping for a solid beta tomorrow. Please rest as much as you can, take it easy.

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  2. Auntie EmJanuary 4, 2011 at 5:53 PM

    I can't even imagine everything you are feeling... we are here for you.

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  3. lady pumpkinJanuary 4, 2011 at 5:55 PM

    Oh, R. Prayingprayingpraying that this is the normal kind of spotting, because that shit is scary. Please, Universe, give this family a break. Give them their miracle. Love and hope and positivity, all headed your way.

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  4. cdgJanuary 4, 2011 at 6:27 PM

    R. Your anxiety levels are totally understandable. How could it be any other way at this point?? I am hoping and praying for you and that you get to become the urban fertility legend with the miracle baby. thinking of you....

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  5. JessicaJanuary 4, 2011 at 7:01 PM

    You've got my heart pounding too...I am praying hard that this is your miracle. You deserve it!!!!

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  6. Brave IVF GirlJanuary 4, 2011 at 7:48 PM

    Totally scary. Sending good thoughts your way!

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  7. AnonymousJanuary 4, 2011 at 8:19 PM

    Hi R, delurking from down the road in Waterloo ON. I just thought I'd tell you I'm very excited for you and can't wait to hear how it all works out! I for one have a good feeling about this. Keep your chin up, you're living the dream! Joanne.

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  8. AnonymousJanuary 4, 2011 at 8:41 PM

    Praying harder than ever!! Come on beta...be over 100 tomorrow!!

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  9. RoccieJanuary 4, 2011 at 9:22 PM

    Be still my heart.

    If I heard it second hand, I would dismiss the storyteller as an exaggerator.

    R. R. R.

    This really is happening. One day at a time.

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  10. AnonymousJanuary 4, 2011 at 10:07 PM

    holy f-ing $hit...R, i just found out....now that i'm a blogger, i've been checking out other's blogs, and someone posted about you! i immediately came here to see what is going on. wow!!! words cannot express how unbelievably happy i am to read of your news and how much i hope this is your miracle!!!! wow! just so happy to see this!

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  11. SieraJanuary 4, 2011 at 10:23 PM

    WOW! Sending you positive thoughts and prayers!

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  12. AnonymousJanuary 5, 2011 at 12:22 AM

    Oh my god! I didn't open my reader for a week and what a surprise!!! Woooooohooooooo! I am soooo happy for you. I am praying and sending all the positive thoughts your way. I want this to work for you. Wow!

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  13. JJanuary 5, 2011 at 9:43 AM

    Keeping my fingers and toes crossed for you. Just take it one day at a time...though I know that is easier said than done. Praying for your little miracle.

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  14. Do I Have to Be a D.I.N.K.?January 5, 2011 at 9:46 AM

    I am praying that this is your miracle! HUGS!

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  15. lastchanceivfJanuary 5, 2011 at 9:48 AM

    I cannot even fathom the emotions you are experiencing. We are all here hoping this is your miracle!

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  16. DMJanuary 5, 2011 at 9:51 AM

    Hoping this is your miracle, hoping for a great beta for you tomorrow.

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  17. Mel.January 5, 2011 at 11:25 AM

    What a crazy set of emotions you have floating around, completely understandable.... I'm adding to those hoping this is the miracle you and A deserve!!

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  18. CassieJanuary 5, 2011 at 11:28 AM

    You know I'm rooting for you with everything I've got!

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  19. KellyJanuary 5, 2011 at 11:36 AM

    My dear, I'd think there were something wrong with you if you weren't scared! Just wanted you to know (or to remind you) that we're all pulling for you.

    Good luck with tomorrow's beta!

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