Friday, January 7, 2011

Bonding

My niece and I have begun to bond. No this didn't happen this week, and no it is not because I may have received some good news (beta more than doubled again today...359!); I think I am just getting over the fact that as much as it devastates me that I did not provide the first grandchild, she is here and she is perfect.

Since going back to work this week, I have been swamped. Out late every night with meetings and out early in the morning for every other day blood draws so there hasn't been many opportunities for me to go over to my sisters. Friday's are my early day at work and so I went to spend some time. It was nice. I held her, kissed her and picked out her outfit for her first big party on Sunday. Two hundred of my parents, her inlaws and my sister's friends will be dropping by to meet the little one. I am not looking forward to this party, but am putting on a brave face and showing my support. A. and I assume that most people if not all people know that we are having difficulty conceiving based on the fact that we have been married for 6.5 years with no baby - so I am anticipating many pity looks. Yes, I know that I may have good news of my own to share in the near future, but until I do and even once I do, this situation will be hard for me.

I am getting better and I am proud of myself for that. I actually enjoyed myself today with her. I don't feel sad when I'm there and when I leave - if we are alone. Once other people come and see me, I feel awkward and pitied and sad. But I suspect I will feel like that for a while.

-R.
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17 comments:

  1. Auntie EmJanuary 7, 2011 at 4:50 PM

    I am familiar with those looks of pity; I saw them from my own family during Christmas. I'm glad that you're starting to bond. You are so right--there's no changing the birth order, so I guess you just have to accept it. This is what I will have to do as well. SO happy that your beta is continually doubling. Amazing!

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  2. CassieJanuary 7, 2011 at 5:12 PM

    I'm so glad to hear this news. I know you are going to be a wonderful auntie! And a wonderful mama too! That's another great beta!!!

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  3. lastchanceivfJanuary 7, 2011 at 5:20 PM

    Ok I'm happy to read about your bonding as an aunt but HOLY CRAPOLA much happier to read about your great beta! Hope that didn't sound weird :) So happy the number looks great!

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  4. SieraJanuary 7, 2011 at 5:58 PM

    Congrats again! I am so happy for you R. I think the neatest thing is that you POAS on Jan 1, your sister's due date. That's gotta mean something. I hope the bonding continues go to well and that the pity looks are few and far between.

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  5. AnonymousJanuary 7, 2011 at 6:16 PM

    I am praying for a happy ending, and something tells me that there will be one. This is a special little baby who clearly wants to meet his mummy.xxx

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  6. AnonymousJanuary 7, 2011 at 6:38 PM

    :)!!

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  7. JemJanuary 7, 2011 at 7:37 PM

    Here from Built-in birth control to tell you how happy I am to hear your good news!

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  8. AnonymousJanuary 7, 2011 at 10:51 PM

    So happy for the good news and glad you are bonding with your niece. Looking forward to all of you updates.

    T

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  9. LindsayJanuary 8, 2011 at 3:03 AM

    Congrats on another great beta!! You are a very special sister and auntie too :)

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  10. PieJanuary 8, 2011 at 11:21 AM

    Yay for doubling betas!! You just dropped that in the post, but that is a huge deal!!

    I was the same way with my niece, I thought it would be so hard to be with her, but I loved her right from the start, in spite of myself. Good luck at the party - wow, that is a lot of people for such a young baby to meet, good luck to your niece too!!

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  11. MeJanuary 8, 2011 at 1:26 PM

    My SIL's kids were tough for me to handle even though I was freshly pg myself. The IF mindset doesn't immediately disappear just because you have 2 lines...

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  12. Mel.January 8, 2011 at 5:54 PM

    So thrilled to read about your beta!! Happy too about the bonding with your niece. I can tell you it will stlll hurt not being able to have the first grandchild (at least it still does for me) but you'll continue to bond with your niece and hopefully this summer with your own little one!! You're in my thoughts....

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  13. lady pumpkinJanuary 8, 2011 at 8:13 PM

    You had me at 359. Congratulations!!! I'm so proud of you for warming up to your niece; being an aunt when you want a baby so badly is tough stuff.

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  14. bibcJanuary 9, 2011 at 12:12 AM

    yay for things going normally for once. thinking of you and your family and sending love.
    this IS it. i know you can't say that yet, but i can.
    hugs, my friend. i hope that one day soon you can exhale...
    xoxo
    lis

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  15. TXGirlieJanuary 9, 2011 at 12:34 AM

    Woohoo for betas that continue to consistently double. It almost tripled this time, right?!! I'm so glad you're able to bond with your niece. I know she's going to absolutely adore her auntie R.

    T.

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  16. BethJanuary 9, 2011 at 5:49 PM

    i'm glad the numbers are doing their boogie :)

    's funny. we were married over five years before we even started ttc. if we got any pity looks i completely missed them.

    and yeah, being pregnant and having that glimmer of hope doesn't fix the pain and the fact it's hard. i hope you got through it ok.

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  17. RoccieJanuary 9, 2011 at 8:37 PM

    You have a heart of gold. Of course you bonded.

    ps - Did you really just reference your beat in an aside???

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