Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Hurdle Two

I have spent the last few days analyzing and over analyzing all of this, and I am still struggling. I think A. and I want to proceed with the original GC plan as we feel that it is best for us and our situation. We are both completely worn down from IF and are scared to death about this pregnancy so right now that is the direction we are leaning towards. BUT, things change, so who knows?

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This morning was my ultrasound. I booked it on Monday so I didn't have that much time to really stress over it, but holy shit was I a mess. I purposefully tried to stay awake longer last night so that I would be extra tired and be able to sleep through the night. The plan worked and I slept for most of the night - but not well. This morning I was a mess. My anxiety was through the roof and at times I was hyperventilating so badly, I almost threw up. A few times.

A. was as calm as ever. He was sure that today would bring good news. I was only hoping to see a fetal pole - I needed to see the pole as that was the first sign that something wasn't right last time. When I got to the ultrasound clinic this morning, the receptionist greeted me with a congratulatory grin, and then I saw the tech. It was the same tech that almost messed up my May cycle, so I didn't have the best feelings going in.

I lay on the table and she put the cold jelly on my stomach. After what seemed like an eternity (probably 1 min) I asked if she could see anything. She saw the sac and the yolk sac. Ok, it's not ectopic, but where the fuck is my fetal pole? She continued with her measurements and I continued panicking and crying. She showed me the sac - lady don't you know me by now, I need to see the pole! During the bathroom break I tried to collect myself and pump myself up for the big gun ultrasound - the transvaginal. I got on the table and just started shaking. I have never been so nervous, anxious and scared in my life. After another eternity she made a comment that I am going to be happy. She said she could see clicking. What the fuck is clicking? She moved the screen towards me and showed me, I was exactly like Rachel from Friends when she couldn't see anything on the screen she had to point it out to me. I asked if there was a pole and what the clicking was, she said, yes obviously there is a pole, that's the heartbeat. Oh.My.God.

A heartbeat. I was not expecting that. A. joined us in the room and I lost control again. I was crying from being overwhelmed and disbelieving that I was actually seeing good news. We did a high five and then it was over. We were given two pictures and then sent to see the RE.

Everyone in my RE's office was so supportive and happy for us. She (the RE) actually swore out of excitement and shock and admitted that she wanted to call me, but didn't want to jinx anything so she stayed quiet - but to know how extremely happy she is. She gave me a huge hug and tears were shed by both. It was amazing.

I was in a state of complete and utter shock for the entire appointment. I didn't know what to ask or what to think so all I know is that the heartbeat measured at 114. She seemed happy with that. I have no clue how far along I am as I forgot to ask, but I think I saw on the paper it saying 6w2d so let's go with that for today. Next ultrasound is on the 27th.

I left the clinic in shock. The entire day has been a blur of events.

After work today, I went to my sister's house to see my niece on her one month birthday (did you know this was a thing?) and I decided that I couldn't keep the secret any more so I needed to spill the beans. We were watching Oprah and today's episode seemed to have an extraordinary amount of pregnancies and baby related topics. It was part of the Australian trip and at one point, Oprah was talking to a lady and asking about her day when she said that she found herself pregnant with her second after two years of trying. I replied, "that's nothing, I am pregnant after 4.5 years". My sister looked at me in shock and we both started crying. She had questions about how it happened, how far along and other usual things, but like me she was just over the moon happy and surprised.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I am choosing to believe that.

-R.

39 comments:

  1. I am so happy for you. I am beyond thrilled that you were able to see a HB!!!!! YAAAAYYY!!!! Oh thank God! It is high time this happens to you! ((HUGS))

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  2. I continue to be so amazed with this wonderful news of yours. Tears of joy on the ultrasound table, at long last. Oh, I am thrilled for you. Completely thrilled.

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  3. So so excited & happy for you! Heartbeats and telling your sister is all good things!

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  4. So sweet! Your blog gives me chills every time I read it. You are incredibly blessed and I am so happy for you!

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  5. I am so incredibly happy for you that things went so well with the u/s!!

    And, fwiw, I think it's good to also move forward with your plans for the GC. That's not to say that I don't think that this won't work out for you but you're right...IF wears you down. Continue to look forward.

    YAY!!!

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  6. ooooh yay!! heartbeat!

    I am so happy for you!

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  7. Quiet tears of joy, the very, very best kind.

    This is huge R. This is the hard one.

    I know it is a long road, but you are on it. Oh I cant think of a better place for you to be. This makes me happy - so so so very happy!

    Love love love to you and that little click.

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  8. Beautiful all around! Thank you for sharing your story and giving hope to the rest of us! Cheering you and your little clicker on!
    Love,
    Maddy

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  9. Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! Hugs...Ahhhhhhhh!!!!! A heartbeat?!! What a fighter!!

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  10. This is just truly a beautiful thing!

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  11. I LOVE what you said to your sister !!!! So amazing and do happy that you saw the heartbeat!!!!

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  12. Just found your blog--congratulations! I look forward to following you on your journey.

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  13. Congratulations! Tears of joy came to my eyes reading your wonderful news. So very happy for you and DH!

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  14. just amazing. looking forward to the next u/s report.

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  15. This is so awesome!!!! I've been checking here hoping to see news like this. I am so happy for you!!!!!

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  16. So glad you saw everything today. May you now have less stress...

    T

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  17. Congratulations. That is truly amazing and fabulous and .... just amazing. Enjoy!

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  18. Congratulations! So happy you saw the heartbeat.

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  19. What a wonderful thing....being alive...in a world full of unexpected miracles.

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  20. r,
    this is wonderful news! wonderful, wonderful, wonderful!
    it sounds like things are right on track. one day at a time.
    thank you so much for sharing your news!
    -soulshine

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  21. yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! congrats!!!!!

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  22. Here via Roccie's post. Your post has put a giant smile on my face (and given me hope).

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  23. This is such incredible, wonderful news. The way you told your sister totally made me cry. Waaah! And seeing a heartbeat is a HUGE milestone. I am very, very hopeful for you!

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  24. That's all you can do - 1 day at a time, thankful for this moment. Crossing everything for you.

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  25. Wonderful!! Sorry it was such a tense ultrasound (why didn't they just do a vaginal ultrasound right off the bat?) but sooooooo glad it turned out so well!

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  26. OMG, R!!! I teared up reading that, and its not just the hormones, I swear! So very incredibly great!!!! HOORAY!

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  27. i am a new reader of yours but as i read this post on the subway this morning, i cried happy tears for you as goosebumps appeared all over my body. so so happy for you.

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  28. i'm so happy for you!! hearing that heartbeat is the most beautiful sound in the world. :)

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  29. I'm just so incredibly happy for you!!!!

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  30. Your post gave me the chills too. Congrats, R., I'm sooooo happy for you & A.!!

    T.

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  31. Here by way of Roccie.

    Congrats on your little click!!! What a wonderful story....and after 4.5 years. Wow!

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  32. How incredible!!!!!!! I am so happy for you, R!

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  33. Wonderful, beautiful, perfect. May you only have good news for the next 8 months.

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  34. so glad and so happy for you :)

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  35. omg omg omg omg omg!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am dying over here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I totally understand what you went through. :) Thinking of you!!

    -Sunshine

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  36. I'm so thrilled for you, I'm crying. Congrats on telling the family too! Sending more good vibes and good luck your way.

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  37. Congratulations, this is so wonderful!
    The first day of the rest of your life, indeed.

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