Sunday, January 2, 2011

A Possible Miracle

Do you believe in miracles? I didn't. I don't. Miracles don't happen to people I know. At least, they didn't. Until New Year's Day.

I still hadn't seen AF so I decided to POAS, I think you can imagine my surprise when a faint + came on the screen. Holy Shit, what is happening. This can't be happening. The doctors told me I can't get pregnant or carry a pregnancy. How can this be happening? Seeing as it was a stat holiday, I went to the ER to get a blood draw. The intake worker looked at me like I was crazy, until I explained that it was near impossible for me to be pregnant and I need to know, now. She agreed. After what seemed like an eternity (two hours) I got my answer, 28. I am pregnant.

Seeing as we weren't trying, didn't know when CD1 was or how long my unmedicated cycles are, and that I have never ovulated before, we have literally no idea how into a pregnancy we are. A. and I tried to figure out when this happened. To be honest, we don't have sex a lot these days, as I am just not feeling it. Loosing the genetic connection and the pregnancy connection this year has been rough. I don't always feel like a woman or desirable and the last thing on my mind is sex. I can remember two times since the BFN.

Option 1:
Dec. 18 - I remember this because it was the night my sister went into labour and we got the call right after. If this is the night of conception, then it is over before it began. 28 would not be a strong number.

Option 2:
Dec. 25 - I remember this because we had just come back from my sister's house and we engaged in a "quickie". If this is the night of conception, then 28 can keep us in the game.

So where does this leave me? Um confused, shocked, stunned, surprised, over the moon and angry. I didn't ask for this. I don't want a pregnancy that is short lived. I hate living in this constant state of terror of analyzing pee sticks and seeing if the lines are darker than before (which they are not). I fear this does not have a positive outcome and that makes me furious. 2011 was supposed to be my year. Why the hell is it starting out like this? What did I do to deserve this pain and torture?

It is incredibly hard to give up on yourself. To say goodbye to the possibility of having a daughter that has your eyes and smile or a son with your hair and nose was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Coupled that with the knowledge that I wouldn't carry the pregnancy was at times, too much to bear. And now, finding myself in this place. I am overwhelmed.

A. and I want so badly for our miracle to be real, but I fear it is not. I am not hopeful that tomorrow's beta will rise let alone double. In our four years of trying, we have never experiencing a positive test from doing it the free way - so either way, this was a miracle. Please don't let it be over.

There is so much more to say, but for today I am putting my energy into tomorrow's test. Please let this miracle work.

-R.

On a side note - please don't mention this on IVFC as I don't want my nurse to find out yet.

32 comments:

  1. Oh R, I so hope this is your miracle!!!!

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  2. OMG I am so hoping it was the quickie and this will be your quickie baby miracle that is NOT a quickie and is here to stay! I'll just sit here and pray to everything I can that your number goes up!! And also--if it was the 18th, you might not have ovulated until a couple of days after that anyway and the sperm was just hanging around waiting and so then it would be on track, right? Because that would be 11 or 12 days post ovulation? I'll admit I'm not too good with these things but that's just my way of considering all the possibilities!

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  3. Holy shit, R!!!!! Are you kidding me? This is so crazy. I know that your first thoughts are pessimistic ones, and I can totally relate, but really? This really could be a Christmas Miracle - and you don't even celebrate that holiday! Maybe you'll have to start!
    Mum's the word on IVFC, but please keep us posted over here. I will be waiting with baited breath for your second beta. Holy cow. I mean, wow!

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  4. Oh, goodness. I've got my fingers crossed for a happy ending!

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  5. Just amazing, hoping and praying for you. Keep us posted!!!!

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  6. R!!!! Unbelievable, but there it is. Praying with everything I have that your miracle is here to stay. What an amazing blessing that would be. Don't give up yet, woman. And know that we're here with you, no matter what.

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  7. R!!! Oh my gosh!!! I am keeping everything crossed and praying for you that this little bean is sticking around!! Don't wave that white flag just yet, ok??

    And, I have to say, sometimes the universe acts in mysterious ways. You were told that you couldn't get pregnant and to decide to move on to a carrier were all such difficult things to swallow for so many reasons. Now this? Perhaps it's just meant to be. :)

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  8. Unbelievable. Hoping beyond measure for you.

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  9. First and foremost, congratulations on your miracle - that's truly what this is!!! Second, I'll be praying to anyone who's listening that your miracle is a long lived and super sticky one! I can imagine how confusing and challenging this must be for you so I'm sending all my love, good vibes and positivity your way!

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  10. R...here's my analogy. Okay say you have a family member that was declared a missing person say four years ago. You did all that you could to find him. Everyone told you he was dead as all the evidence indicated he was not in this world. You grieved his loss...even had a memorial. And then whammo...you get a phone call and its a doctor saying he's alive but fighting for his life. You don't know whether to be happy or afraid to lose him again. Your confused, terrified, elated all in one? How could this be?

    I don't know about miracles but if anything this is a miracle. I hope that your feelings will allow you to take some solace in this miracle - even if its just a little bit. I eagerly await for tomorrow's beta...I hope I can sleep tonight!! I hope you can too...

    Gosh girlfriend...chin up, bear down. You're doing great!

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  11. Holy shit! :) I've got fingers/toes/etc crossed for ya!
    This news brightens my day. I hope this is in fact the miracle that you so deserve. Keep your head up. :)

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  12. r,
    this is shocking i am sure but no matter what happens, i see it as a sort of triumph- your body ovulated on its own, and not only that, it made a lining good enough to accept the fertilized embryo... these things alone are miraculous! obviously hoping that this comes to fruition. thinking of you! -soulshine

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  13. Un-freaking-believable!
    I don't know quite what to say - congrats? I am hoping so hard, so very very hard for you that this is your miracle. Fingers, toes, everything crossable is crossed for you.

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  14. I will cross everything I have got for you. Please keep us posted. These things have happened and resulted in a baby at the end - I read a story in a magazine one time where the IP and the surrogate were PG within months of each other.

    RJ

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  15. Wow!! This turn of events is mind-blowing!!! So so super excited for you and here no matter what! Hang on, 2011 is your year..,

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  16. i can't imagine how shocked you are.
    i am hoping so hard that this is truly a miracle.
    sending hugs and peaceful thoughts xxxx

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  17. Praying with everything in me that this is YOUR miracle, finally here for you to embrace. Please let it be. Please let it be.

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  18. {{{R.}}}, oh my gosh!! Please please please let this miracle stick around. Good luck tomorrow, honey!

    T.

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  19. SO AMAZING! a true miracle :) now don't go around telling people you relaxed and it happened lol. im so excited for you and hoping you get some answers soon. maybe it was all that baby in the air lately...your little niece is a good luck charm :)
    xoxo
    lis

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  20. WOW! I don't even know what to say. Hoping that your miracle happens! You will be in my thoughts!

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  21. Wow...I will definitely be praying for you. I am hoping beyond hope this is your miracle!

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  22. Hoping beyond hope that this is your miracle!! Please keep us posted.

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  23. Holy cow, what a surprise! I hope this is it for you, but I also know so well the anxiety and fear that come from experience. We're all here sending you positive thoughts and prayers!

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  24. Wow wow wow! I am hoping and praying that this is it, R. - sending you lots of love and positive energy!
    Love,
    Maddy

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  25. OMG! as I understand, even though you are off the hormones, your body still responds immediately after as if you are still on them. I think I get heart palpitations every time I read a new chapter in your roller coaster life. I am so hoping this works for you!

    T

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  26. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!

    I need to go read it again.

    brb.

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  27. Oh my R.

    I understand your worries. What a place to be in right now. To have endured so very much and finally fought your way to a place where you were making decisions, making progress. Now it is all in jeopardy.

    I dont know what to say about the lines. You may remember I dealt with that myself. Please hold strong for the beta numbers. Dont waste your energy on trying to interpret those tests. Ugh, how can you not.

    I am sitting in the quiet and sending up everything I have got for you and this baby. R, this could be it.

    Oh, my heart and stomach are in knots for you.

    Please God, let this happen for my friend R.

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  28. OMG, R!!! I'm....wow! I was not expecting to read that - as I'm sure you weren't expecting it either. WOW.

    So now I'm incredibly nervous for you. Today is beta #2? I really really really REALLY hope for a good number. Everything I have is crossed, and will stay crossed for you. Please, please, please.

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  29. I'm nervously and excitedly waiting for today's results!!

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  30. Me too! The wait is KILLING me. :(

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  31. Well f*&$ me running! I hope, I hope, I hope that this pregnancy brings you a miracle baby.

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  32. oh my WOW!!!!

    how freaking awesome is this?!? i haven't logged on for a few days...and to log on to see this is just wonderful!!

    congrats. i really hope that everything works out for you. xox

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