Things are the GC seem to moving at warp speed. The agency emailed me today that they found me a potential GC, um what? That seems a little fast. The carrier they found for me was almost perfect. Great personality (from what I could tell from the profile), healthy, four previous successful natural pregnancies and always conceived on the first or second month (what the hell is that like) and seems to have altruistic reasons for wanting to do this (of course money comes into play, but I don't think it's the driving force. The down side is she's older than I would want, 39 and she lives quite far away (definitely a plane ride and a time difference). I didn't commit to her.
Maybe if she was younger, I would feel differently about the distance, but I struggle with this. I still am so upset with my body letting me down at such a young age that it is so difficult for me to turn to older women for help building my family. This is the part that stings the worst for me. If you are in your late 30s or 40s you may not understand and may think I am being silly, but I promise if you were 30 fucking years and your egg donor was older than you as well as your GC, it would suck.
I am not ready to commit to anyone right now. Its too soon. In the next two days I am hoping to get AF and then will get the ball rolling on my final FET. Without Lupron and waiting for a thick lining, I estimate the transfer will be around two weeks from CD1 and I really want to focus my energy on positivity for this cycle. I know its a long shot. I know I may not even get to transfer. I know it might not work. I know it might work to only get ripped away too soon. But I need to try and I need to believe, otherwise, what is the point?