Not Myself

I have not been obsessing over tomorrow's lining check. It's weird, of course I want the triple pattern and at least a 6mm, but it is sort of like I have given up. I even had chocolate a few times this week (nothing major, just a handful of m&ms or a couple of cookies, but chocolate none the less). I have never had chocolate or caffeine of any kind while prepping for a cycle, and yet, I don't seem to care this time around. Maybe its because I have given up, or no that I am not going to produce a stellar lining no matter how much acupuncture I do, or maybe its because my back-up plan is getting in place.

I haven't processed the long term reality of using a GC. Sure, my head understands, but my heart? I'm not so sure its caught up. I keep thinking that this may be the way for me to becoming a mother and so the end justifies the means, but it is scary and incredibly sad. My IF scars run deep and this is just another layer in the hole.

Tomorrow is a crazy important day. Lining check, work evaluation, SJ appointment, conference call with GC and my BFF is giving birth to her third baby (second time she lapped me). Yup, tomorrow may very well suck. I am trying to prepare myself, but really, how does one prepare for constant disappointment?

-R.