There is so much spinning in my head that I can't process. Maybe that's why I have been slacking on my daily posting, maybe not? I have a hardened shell. I'm different than I was when I started this journey. I'm different than I was when I started this blog. There are many parts of me that I am proud of. I am a fighter and I think I am strong. But today, I just feel tired.
I keep thinking about my ultra thin lining (4mm remember) and in a way it is comical. Over the past year, my lining seems to be deteriorating at an alarming fast pace. Each cycle is worse than the one before it. I have given up in my head. I am so ready to move on, but my heart hasn't caught up yet. I am still going through the routine of taking the meds, putting on the patches, shoving the estrace up and going for acupuncture. Nothing.Is.Working.Here.
The conference call went well, better than expected actually. I really didn't know what to think before going in, but the agency lady (AL-don't have strength to come up with a cute ID) took control. She facilitated the conversation and asked us both questions and follow-up questions. At the end, we were able to ask each other other things that were not brought up. I was honest, very honest about what I want/need from this partnership. I want to involved. I want to attend as many doctor appointments as I can, I want to chat weekly and email regularly. I want to spend time with my belly (and her) and talk to it and touch it. I want to start bonding with my baby(ies) early. She seemed really ok with this. After the call, she hung up and I stayed on the line with AL to digest the call and decide if I want to proceed. I explained my fears to her and she told me that sometimes with repeat GCs it can be like a crap shoot for how they will respond. WHAT? Are you telling me that after all of this, she could reject me? Oh crap, I was panicking. We hung up the phone so she could her and see her thoughts, AL promised to call right back. It took more like an hour for this to happen. I was freaking out. Finally, she called back to say its a match. I have never been so relieved or happy.
So where do I go from here? I am still pursuing my own FET, but I don't have much hope for getting to transfer. The longer it will take my ute' to build up, the more chance I will have of losing my pattern. My new logo: it is what it is. I am also going to try and get her in for her pre-screening testing this month. Her expected period start is on Tuesday so I am hoping that she can get in in the next two weeks. I think from there it will be around 2-3 months as we need to do the legal stuff and start prepping for the cycle.
For the first time in a long time, I have hope. It is not the way I imagined this journey going, but it is what it is.
As I'm working away on the couch in my pajamas the door rang. These were sent to me from AL. How nice is that? The card read, thank you for letting us share in your journey. CCRM, you could learn a little something...just sayin'!