Saturday, October 23, 2010

My Head is Spinning-UPDATED

There is so much spinning in my head that I can't process. Maybe that's why I have been slacking on my daily posting, maybe not? I have a hardened shell. I'm different than I was when I started this journey. I'm different than I was when I started this blog. There are many parts of me that I am proud of. I am a fighter and I think I am strong. But today, I just feel tired.

I keep thinking about my ultra thin lining (4mm remember) and in a way it is comical. Over the past year, my lining seems to be deteriorating at an alarming fast pace. Each cycle is worse than the one before it. I have given up in my head. I am so ready to move on, but my heart hasn't caught up yet. I am still going through the routine of taking the meds, putting on the patches, shoving the estrace up and going for acupuncture. Nothing.Is.Working.Here.

The conference call went well, better than expected actually. I really didn't know what to think before going in, but the agency lady (AL-don't have strength to come up with a cute ID) took control. She facilitated the conversation and asked us both questions and follow-up questions. At the end, we were able to ask each other other things that were not brought up. I was honest, very honest about what I want/need from this partnership. I want to involved. I want to attend as many doctor appointments as I can, I want to chat weekly and email regularly. I want to spend time with my belly (and her) and talk to it and touch it. I want to start bonding with my baby(ies) early. She seemed really ok with this. After the call, she hung up and I stayed on the line with AL to digest the call and decide if I want to proceed. I explained my fears to her and she told me that sometimes with repeat GCs it can be like a crap shoot for how they will respond. WHAT? Are you telling me that after all of this, she could reject me? Oh crap, I was panicking. We hung up the phone so she could her and see her thoughts, AL promised to call right back. It took more like an hour for this to happen. I was freaking out. Finally, she called back to say its a match. I have never been so relieved or happy.

So where do I go from here? I am still pursuing my own FET, but I don't have much hope for getting to transfer. The longer it will take my ute' to build up, the more chance I will have of losing my pattern. My new logo: it is what it is. I am also going to try and get her in for her pre-screening testing this month. Her expected period start is on Tuesday so I am hoping that she can get in in the next two weeks. I think from there it will be around 2-3 months as we need to do the legal stuff and start prepping for the cycle.

For the first time in a long time, I have hope. It is not the way I imagined this journey going, but it is what it is.


As I'm working away on the couch in my pajamas the door rang. These were sent to me from AL. How nice is that? The card read, thank you for letting us share in your journey. CCRM, you could learn a little something...just sayin'!


  1. Big hugs R...sounds like the phone call was a daunting task. I am glad you really put yourself out there with your GC. Although it may have jeopardized the match, the fact that it didn't and that you listed your expectations, is why the match is perfect. I am very proud of you. Like any big decision, your racing thoughts are going to subside as things progress. Likely it will be busy for you over the next few months as you coordinate her care with CCRM. And then hopefully its all just appointments and bonding time with you, your baby and the GC. Of course I am hoping for a miraculous improvement with your FET but I am even more happy that you are taking your first steps and moving on. I am praying that this will be an easy transition for you.

  2. Huge hugs to you my dear. You've faced every imaginable disappointment in this battle and yet here you are, still pursuing the dream. I'll cross everything that your lining plumps itself right up but am impressed with your tenacity and pursuit of your other options.
    I wish things were easier for you.

  3. Oh R, I am so happy to hear that things are moving along with the GC. It sounds like things are falling into place. I hope that you won't need to go with the GC plan, but so happy that you have a plan in place.

    I agree- I am not the same person I was even a year ago. I have mixed emotions when people tell me that they think I am strong. I would trade strong for pregnant in a heartbeat- but that isn't in the cards. I admire you and your determination in the face of all the adversity.

    Hugs to you, R...

  4. Oh my that must have been such a bittersweet moment for you! I admire your strength through this. I am so glad that you found a match and that you have the courage to think and process through different options while still cycling. I am going to still hold out hope that your lining behaves itself within the next week. ((HUGS))

  5. So glad it's a match--congratulations!

  6. R., I know it's bittersweet, but I'm so happy that you've found a wonderful surrogate just in case the FET doesn't go as we hope it will. I'm glad you let the GC know that you want to be as involved as possible so that you can bond with your baby early on. I feel a lot better knowing that she's a repeat GC. That was so sweet of AL to send you flowers! I'm glad that they're giving you the TLC you deserve.


  7. ooh flowers, how nice! i cant even imagine the emotional upheaval you are experiencing right can't imagine how hard it is for me looking in as your friend. i think i can feel what you feel, and i don't know if its because we have gotten so close or if its because my own life may be heading in that direction. but i feel an overwhelming sense of fear peppered with excitement and sadness and hope. maybe i feel that because every new turn in this IF life brings a new formulation of those feelings. i just hope you are okay my friend. and dont you think for one minute that i have given up on your lining, because i haven't. and i wont. probably even after you do.
    hugs and love my friend, im sitting right next to you. i cant wait for the day we can meet and have our children play together.

  8. I am so glad you are open and strong. The flowers were a very nice touch and it is nice to know they are looking out for you. So glad your match is accommodating.


  9. You are at a crossroads for sure, R. And you are incredibly strong and resilient. That's also for sure.
    I appreciate so much how focused you are on what it is you want in life: to be a mother! You are pursuing that goal with fierce determination, and I find that admirable.
    You continue to be in my thoughts each day. Hoping that very soon, a little baby will be growing in your , or your GC's womb.

  10. I am beaming over here. I read your words and they feel so familiar to me.

    Rounding that corner feels so absolutely freeing. I am delighted to see you on your way.

    I have all my hope and energy focused on your FET. I want this to work as we all do.

  11. So glad you found a perfect match with the GC. And the flowers they sent was very thoughtful. Still keeping you in my thoughts and prayers for this FET.

  12. sweet of them!!

  13. Hooray for a match! I'm glad you've got your Plan B in motion, though I'm still rooting for you with Plan A.

  14. Wow, what beautiful flowers! I'm so glad to hear that this match has brought you renewed hope!