Thursday, October 7, 2010

SJ Says

I have been reading your blogs, but haven't been up to commenting lately. Please forgive, I promise to be back soon.

I finally had an appointment with SJ. It felt like forever since I last saw her, and I really needed to process my feelings. She agreed, I'm a mess. I equated my low right now to the same level, but different pain from the summer. Its not good.

She asked me what I was doing to be proactive. Honestly? Nothing. I think this is one of the reasons I'm so down. She gave me the contact info for the best (in her opinion) surrogacy agency in Toronto and instructed me to contact her. Holy shit, I need a surrogate. Ok, maybe not officially...yet, but she thinks there is a very real possibility this could be the direction I go. This coming from the same woman who told me not to get ahead of myself is now urging me to contact surrogates. Holy shit.

I'm going to make the inital contact, but I'm so scared.



  1. I always like making plans ahead. I would always have a Plan B and even a Plan C, before Plan A had a chance to work. It keeps me sane and I hope it will do the same for you!

  2. I think it is good that she is asking you to inquire. Maybe the process takes a long time and then you could be ahead of the game. It is always best to be prepared - you said that yourself. I like to be prepared too and know all the facts and not get blown away when everything I plan goes haywire. Nothing is set in stone, but it is good to get enough info as you can.


  3. I think the first step is always the scariest...all the best if you take that first step.

  4. It's so hard to take that step. I can't even imagine the emotions you are feeling right now. I do know that I always need to have a next plan in place so that I can prepare myself. I hope that you don't need this plan, but find some peace in having a step in that direction if needed. Hugs to you!

  5. I hope you don't need to go that way but maybe it will help you feel like you're moving forward if you have a plan.

    As far as commenting on our blogs, you just take care of yourself - we'll be cheering you on whether you comment or not.

  6. Whoa. I bet that hits really hard. I remember the first time third party concepts were proposed to me like it was yesterday. It hurt a lot.

    We do whatever it takes to get us the child. Pain heals and you reset your boundaries. Redefine everything you thought you knew.

    I hope you can experience a pregnancy. I have an even deeper hope to get that baby into your arms.

    You are in my thoughts constantly. I wish I could help you.

  7. Wow... I really wish you don't have to proceed too far in that process. That is scary. And like someone else said, I hope the first step is the hardest and that everything gets easier from there. ((HUGS))

  8. R., I'm glad you were finally able to have a session with SJ. I'd be scared too, but hopefully taking the first baby step will help you to slowly accept surrogacy just in case you need it. I'm still hopeful that you just had a wonky cycle last time and that next time will be much better.