Saturday, October 2, 2010

PTSD

My sister ordered her nursery furniture today. I was ok with it, I even asked her to describe it to me. It doesn't sound like my style so oddly, it was ok...I was ok. A few hours later, I started crying. I guess this is another symptom of the PTSD.

SJ has been away at a Canadian Infertility Conference in Vancouver this week so it has been difficult for me to process all that has fallen apart this week. She did tell me that she spoke to many doctors at the conference and they all agree that too much emphasis is placed on the number associated with the thickness and that the pattern is more important. At least I feel better knowing that cancelling was the right thing to do. It doesn't make it suck any less though.

It is a funny place to be, this in between place. I am not actively cycling anymore, but the constant reminders are still there. Today, I was scratching my stomach when I felt the leftover residue from the patches. Ouch. I think I scratched it away and left a mark, but I just needed it gone. I am slowly weaning off the meds. Two patches every other day and prometrium three times a day; I hate the reminder.

A. has been great. He is totally supportive, but he can't truly get it. A FET for a male isn't real until you are in the transfer room. I am the hormonal mess on top of the emotional mess. I have moments where I see clearly and am thankful that I didn't go through with it, but most moments are sad. Sad that I failed yet again. This is my fourth cancelled cycle this year alone. It is different than a delay. If you have never experienced a cancellation, you simply cannot understand how badly it sucks. Delays are easy. They too suck (I have had many of those too), but they don't impact your persception of yourself. It is not about how you performed or how you failed. I have said before that a cancellation can be worse than a BFN and in many ways it is true.

It is a different kind of failure. A BFN is the worst, but there are so many factors involved that it is hard to blame one thing. This failure was all me. My stupid lining didn't cooperate. It is my fault. I am to blame. Rational or not, these feelings of low self worth won't go away. I know that my inability to get pregnant does not define, but right now it just feels that my life is one BFF (big fat failure).

-R.

11 comments:

  1. I wish I could wrap you in the kind of hug you deserve right now.

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  2. So sorry you are going through all this crap. I hope things perk up real soon.

    T

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  3. Your lining is not you, R, and you are not to blame. This was just yet another thing out of your control, so please don't blame yourself. You have been doing everything right. I am cheering you on - you will get there.

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  4. Cancellations are just awful. You're on this one path and you finally get to get going and then you have to slam on the breaks and stop all momentum that you were able to get going. The destination somehow seems even further away after putting the brakes on.

    I understand you feel like this is your fault but it is not something that you have control over...if you did, I'm sure you would have controlled the situation such that IF would not have happened to you and you would have had a whole brood of children by now. You can't control your lining or the pattern or how thick or thin it is.

    I don't have any assvice for you, I just want you not to be so hard on yourself.

    Sending you a giant hug.

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  5. Rar. Read what my girls Cassie and kayjay say. They are dead on my dear R.

    Please stop that kind of thinking. Yeah, ok, I have done it too; but from over here, it is painfully apparent how off base it is.

    I see you call it irrational. It almost makes it worse when you know it is total bullshit but you think it anyhow. No one can break through and talk you off the ledge.

    Cancellation sucks the air right out of your lungs.

    I am here and I am thinking of you and I wish I could do something that goddam mattered to help you.

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  6. Wishing I could give you a real hug. I understand how it feels to have your body not cooperate...it's awful. It doesn't matter how irrational it feels to blame yourself, we still all do it. HUGS and hope it gets better.

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  7. I'm with Cassie, Kayjay and Roccie: the cancellation is not even in the continent of your fault. Different continent altogether. You followed through with the prescribed protocol, you took all your meds, you showed up at all your u/s and b/w. You did EVERYTHING you could.

    You know R, you're going to need you. Today, tomorrow, next week. When you get pregnant. You are going to need to be there for yourself. Right now is a time you need yourself to be kind. You are in so much pain. PLEASE, please try just a tiny bit of kindness. You are SO worthy of your love.

    And of ours....

    Sending you so many hugs.
    (((((((((((((((R)))))))))))))))))))

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  8. I am so sorry R. Sending you lots of hugs and warm thoughts. I hate that you are once again in this position. Thinking of you.

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  9. I love the blog makeover! So cute - and sunny and optimistic looking too!

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  10. While I can understand blaming yourself (and I would to), as the previous commenters have said - you are not your lining. It's not something you can contol, which I'm sure makes it all the more frustrating....

    Huge hugs to you and love the new blog format!!

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