PTSD

My sister ordered her nursery furniture today. I was ok with it, I even asked her to describe it to me. It doesn't sound like my style so oddly, it was ok...I was ok. A few hours later, I started crying. I guess this is another symptom of the PTSD.

SJ has been away at a Canadian Infertility Conference in Vancouver this week so it has been difficult for me to process all that has fallen apart this week. She did tell me that she spoke to many doctors at the conference and they all agree that too much emphasis is placed on the number associated with the thickness and that the pattern is more important. At least I feel better knowing that cancelling was the right thing to do. It doesn't make it suck any less though.

It is a funny place to be, this in between place. I am not actively cycling anymore, but the constant reminders are still there. Today, I was scratching my stomach when I felt the leftover residue from the patches. Ouch. I think I scratched it away and left a mark, but I just needed it gone. I am slowly weaning off the meds. Two patches every other day and prometrium three times a day; I hate the reminder.

A. has been great. He is totally supportive, but he can't truly get it. A FET for a male isn't real until you are in the transfer room. I am the hormonal mess on top of the emotional mess. I have moments where I see clearly and am thankful that I didn't go through with it, but most moments are sad. Sad that I failed yet again. This is my fourth cancelled cycle this year alone. It is different than a delay. If you have never experienced a cancellation, you simply cannot understand how badly it sucks. Delays are easy. They too suck (I have had many of those too), but they don't impact your persception of yourself. It is not about how you performed or how you failed. I have said before that a cancellation can be worse than a BFN and in many ways it is true.

It is a different kind of failure. A BFN is the worst, but there are so many factors involved that it is hard to blame one thing. This failure was all me. My stupid lining didn't cooperate. It is my fault. I am to blame. Rational or not, these feelings of low self worth won't go away. I know that my inability to get pregnant does not define, but right now it just feels that my life is one BFF (big fat failure).

-R.