I have been feeling yucky for a few days now. I can't remember the last time I had a cold, but I have one. Sore throat, stuffy nose, dry cough and all over achiness...yuck. This is why I didn't post yesterday, I had a lot to say, but fell asleep.
Yesterday, I went out with two girlfriends for massages and lunch. It was really nice to spend time with them and it felt great to get out of the house. I was really looking forward to this day as I really needed a spa day. It was my first time back at the place where I was truly happy. We went to the same spa I was at when I got the email, my second beta had doubled. My dreams and prayers had finally been answered. I had crossed over to the other side. 547 was such a strong number, it all went to hell shortly after that. I expected it to be much harder to go back there. I prepared myself the entire way there and then braced myself before going in. It wasn't that bad. My locker was on the opposite side of the change room so I never had to go to that place where I first read the email. I didn't tell my girlfriends about this, it was a personal moment for me and I just didn't want to share that piece.
I still managed to enjoy the massage, and even relaxed in the steam and sauna (which I wasn't able to do last time). The pregnancy thoughts were never far from my mind, but it wasn't so bad.
Today, A. and I filled out the intended parents form for the surrogacy agency. Neither of us is really ready for this step, although I am almost there. I am really tired of the hormonal ups and downs and just need to move on. He is supportive, but not quite there yet. We are on the same page for most of the questions, but the ones about contact with the GC is where we differ. I want to be a part of every part of the pregnancy. I want to attend the OB appointments and feel the baby move, and be in the labour and delivery room. I need to feel like I am a part of the process. It's not my egg, not my genes, not my uterus. I need to be a part of the process. It's different for A. He is a part of it. It's his sperm, his genes and his link. He understands how I feel and is totally supportive, but he just isn't interested in maintaining a close relationship with the woman who will carry our child. Is this typical?
In terms of our connection after the baby(ies) is born, that is a different matter completely. He is adamant that he wants no contact. I don't know. I need to distance myself from the GC at the beginning for sure, as I need to feel like the mother. I need to be the one who cares for this baby. I want to be there. I think A. is right, but then I hear stories about the amazing GCs and the relationships they form with their intended parents and I want that. It's not just business for me. I guess a lot of this will depend on the GC and how we mesh together. Maybe I am putting the cart before the horse here. I just need to get my head settled so my heart can catch up.
It should be noted that I have told A. that this is my last chance for right now. Even if I get cancelled again (which could happen as we know), I'm done. I'm tired of fighting and I just need to move on. He is on board even though this is is difficult.