Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Not Myself

I have not been obsessing over tomorrow's lining check. It's weird, of course I want the triple pattern and at least a 6mm, but it is sort of like I have given up. I even had chocolate a few times this week (nothing major, just a handful of m&ms or a couple of cookies, but chocolate none the less). I have never had chocolate or caffeine of any kind while prepping for a cycle, and yet, I don't seem to care this time around. Maybe its because I have given up, or no that I am not going to produce a stellar lining no matter how much acupuncture I do, or maybe its because my back-up plan is getting in place.

I haven't processed the long term reality of using a GC. Sure, my head understands, but my heart? I'm not so sure its caught up. I keep thinking that this may be the way for me to becoming a mother and so the end justifies the means, but it is scary and incredibly sad. My IF scars run deep and this is just another layer in the hole.

Tomorrow is a crazy important day. Lining check, work evaluation, SJ appointment, conference call with GC and my BFF is giving birth to her third baby (second time she lapped me). Yup, tomorrow may very well suck. I am trying to prepare myself, but really, how does one prepare for constant disappointment?

-R.

12 comments:

  1. How does one prepare for constant disappointment? By filling up on hugs from ladies who know what she's talking about. And so I send you (((HUGS))). And hey, in 24 hours, tomorrow will be just about over. Hope it surprises you with its loveliness.

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  2. Just keep going tomorrow. One step at a time. (hugs)

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  3. I hope that everything goes well tomorrow, R.

    T.

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  4. Oh my R...tomorrow is a very big day for you. It can't come soon enough!

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  5. Thinking of you on your big day... tbb1

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  6. Thinking of you today, R. And sending you hugs.

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  7. I'll be thinking of you today and sending hugs your way!!

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  8. I'm hoping for a great report for you! And I personally think M&Ms do nothing but HELP situations :)

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  9. Thinking of you today! I hope things go well--you so deserve a smooth journey this time!

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  10. I keep checking for an update from you. You can always e-mail me privately. Thinking of you!

    T

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  11. I am sending you my ((HUGS)) too! Hope your day turned out to be better than you expected!

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  12. Eager to hear how it went - catching up with you now....

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