I didn't mean to scare anyone about my mental state. Yes, I'm in a deep dark place, and I am not exactly coping (I even turned down a quick appointment with the local RE), but I'm not suicidal. I'm breathing and taking it one day at a time.
Things remain status quo. No news from the peri on an appointment date for the GC, NN hasn't called her yet either - so we wait. You know how I love that!
In other IF related news...
I must wear a huge neon light up sign on my forehead that screams, I can't get pregnant. Today I had an encounter with a teacher at the photocopier. She started off talking about how God only gives what we can handle, and no matter how much we want something we only get it when God says so. Um, FUCK YOU lady. Then she continued to tell me about her daughter who never wanted kids, then found out she needed help, so she had IVF, so what! My response, she's lucky it worked and I walked away.
Seriously?! This cannot be my life.
-R.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
UGH
Yesterday A. and I met briefly with a new RE. We are actively researching doing another DE IVF locally, or so I thought. Right now, the thought of doing anything just terrifies me.
On the one hand, you can't get hurt if you don't try. I feel like this is the same coping mechanism that my students use. They don't want to look stupid or feel badly if they do poorly so they don't try. Not good in school, but where I'm at currently, doesn't seem like such a bad idea.
On the other hand, not doing anything terrifies me. I can't be stuck in this place for much longer. Something has got to give. One way or another, I need to know my future. Whatever that may be.
I am just sick of fighting this stupid fucking battle that I did not willingly enter. I want off the ride.
-R.
On the one hand, you can't get hurt if you don't try. I feel like this is the same coping mechanism that my students use. They don't want to look stupid or feel badly if they do poorly so they don't try. Not good in school, but where I'm at currently, doesn't seem like such a bad idea.
On the other hand, not doing anything terrifies me. I can't be stuck in this place for much longer. Something has got to give. One way or another, I need to know my future. Whatever that may be.
I am just sick of fighting this stupid fucking battle that I did not willingly enter. I want off the ride.
-R.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Making Plans
Today was an exhausting day - especially since I was off work. Every minute I have had different ideas of what to do and what to think. I woke thinking I would go in one direction and by the end of the day, I am leaning in a different one.
First, I am paying the agency fee which entitles me to hold the GC for as long as like without making any decisions. It also makes AL continue to look for alternatives in case I need one. I decided to call NN and clarify the facts. Yes, if the MFM doctor reviews her file, goes over the risks and clears her, we are good to go. The GC still needs to do the initial phone screening before the ODWU and that will happen this coming week. I have also sent in a referral for the MFM doctor and we will hear on Monday how he wants to proceed and the timeline.
I also spoke with the head embryologist at the largest clinic in Canada. She confirmed what Schoolcraft said about vitrified embryos, and I have decided that my embryos need to stay put. Although I believe this clinic to be excellent and with a top notch embryology lab, there are so many different procedures for vitrifying embryos that I am not willing to take the risk. I don't want anyone practicing on my embryos.
On Sunday I have an appointment with a local RE at the clinic to discuss doing a DE IVF there. The price of the cycle is one fourth of that of CCRM so I may just leave those embryos in Denver for now, and pursue a new cycle (still using a GC).
I met with SJ today and she is worried about me. I am trying. I am doing better. Yesterday I was drug free. Its a start I guess. Once I have a plan, I feel better. Even though nothing is official yet, I am making plans. For today, I just thankful that I survived another day.
-R.
First, I am paying the agency fee which entitles me to hold the GC for as long as like without making any decisions. It also makes AL continue to look for alternatives in case I need one. I decided to call NN and clarify the facts. Yes, if the MFM doctor reviews her file, goes over the risks and clears her, we are good to go. The GC still needs to do the initial phone screening before the ODWU and that will happen this coming week. I have also sent in a referral for the MFM doctor and we will hear on Monday how he wants to proceed and the timeline.
I also spoke with the head embryologist at the largest clinic in Canada. She confirmed what Schoolcraft said about vitrified embryos, and I have decided that my embryos need to stay put. Although I believe this clinic to be excellent and with a top notch embryology lab, there are so many different procedures for vitrifying embryos that I am not willing to take the risk. I don't want anyone practicing on my embryos.
On Sunday I have an appointment with a local RE at the clinic to discuss doing a DE IVF there. The price of the cycle is one fourth of that of CCRM so I may just leave those embryos in Denver for now, and pursue a new cycle (still using a GC).
I met with SJ today and she is worried about me. I am trying. I am doing better. Yesterday I was drug free. Its a start I guess. Once I have a plan, I feel better. Even though nothing is official yet, I am making plans. For today, I just thankful that I survived another day.
-R.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Where I'm At
I'm sorry I left you all hanging, but I just couldn't deal. I still can't, but I am getting better. Here's a recap of the last three days:
- NN calls Monday night to tell me the GC was rejected. She found that she had high blood pressure and symptoms of preeclampsia for two weeks during her first pregnancy.
- NN was not very nice or empathic about the situation, in fact when I tried to prompt her for some more info, she was unwilling to go into details.
- Devastation kicks in.
- I email Sj and AL to get the ball rolling on next steps.
- Tell A. and email my parents.
- Take a Vallium and cry myself to sleep.
- WTF call with Sch.oolcraft. didn't go well. I did not get a warm and fuzzy feeling from him. I asked about testing the embryos, he continues to say that it is unnecessary. I asked about using this GC, he doesn't recommend her, but if I get a peri to sign off on her, he will allow, I asked about transferring the embryos to Toronto, he feels that would kill them.
- I don't know what to believe. At this point I am just so tired.
- I brought up adoption with A. last night, he is not on board while we still have embryos (with his sperm) waiting.
- I am meeting with a local clinic this week to discuss the logistics of bringing the embryos home.
- Just so fucking tired of this shit.
- Took Valium every night this week at 7pm, in bed sleeping by 7:30pm. I just want the pain and heartache to go away.
-R.
- NN calls Monday night to tell me the GC was rejected. She found that she had high blood pressure and symptoms of preeclampsia for two weeks during her first pregnancy.
- NN was not very nice or empathic about the situation, in fact when I tried to prompt her for some more info, she was unwilling to go into details.
- Devastation kicks in.
- I email Sj and AL to get the ball rolling on next steps.
- Tell A. and email my parents.
- Take a Vallium and cry myself to sleep.
- WTF call with Sch.oolcraft. didn't go well. I did not get a warm and fuzzy feeling from him. I asked about testing the embryos, he continues to say that it is unnecessary. I asked about using this GC, he doesn't recommend her, but if I get a peri to sign off on her, he will allow, I asked about transferring the embryos to Toronto, he feels that would kill them.
- I don't know what to believe. At this point I am just so tired.
- I brought up adoption with A. last night, he is not on board while we still have embryos (with his sperm) waiting.
- I am meeting with a local clinic this week to discuss the logistics of bringing the embryos home.
- Just so fucking tired of this shit.
- Took Valium every night this week at 7pm, in bed sleeping by 7:30pm. I just want the pain and heartache to go away.
-R.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Rejected
You guessed it, the GC doesn't meet the criteria. I'm just done. I have no more strength.
-R.
-R.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Staycation Celebration
Our staycation celebration was lovely. A. and I arrived at the hotel around 5 (I was in class all day so we couldn't leave earlier) and we just chilled in the room for the next few hours. Have I mentioned lately that I am loving red wine?
We went for a delicious dinner at a trendy little resto in the area. A. had elk carpaccio and risotto (two kinds - goat and lobster) while I enjoyed a simple arugula salad and homemade gnocci - yummy. Of course there was wine, lots of wine!
After dinner, I took A. to my favourite dessert place in the city and we had these:
(LC, I used to LOVE diet coke, but have decided to continue not drinking it, but don't worry, I am more than making up for it with the amount of coffee and speciality lattes I am consuming.)
(Seriously, this is quite possibly the creamiest milk chocolate fondu I have ever tasted.)
After dessert, we took our time walking back through one of my favourite streets with trendy shops all ready with their holiday windows and then hit the sheets for some much needed rest.
It was so nice to escape our heads for the night, go out and have fun. We both really needed it.
This coming week is filled with craziness for me. I am hoping to finally connect with NN tomorrow to work out a plan and then have my WTF with Sch.oolcraft on Tuesday where I will be grilling him on his thoughts about testing the remaining embryos (your thoughts on this are so welcome)j followed by Parent Teacher Conferences at the end of the week. I'm exhausted just saying all that. Needless to say, its going to be an emotional roller coaster of a week.
***
This morning I reached out to two IRL IF sisters. One suffered a devastating pre-term loss of a DE IVF with no remaining embryos. The other, new to the tribe. It was not easy for me to put myself out there, but I have received so much love and support from all of you, that I wanted to do the same for these women.
-R.
We went for a delicious dinner at a trendy little resto in the area. A. had elk carpaccio and risotto (two kinds - goat and lobster) while I enjoyed a simple arugula salad and homemade gnocci - yummy. Of course there was wine, lots of wine!
After dinner, I took A. to my favourite dessert place in the city and we had these:
(LC, I used to LOVE diet coke, but have decided to continue not drinking it, but don't worry, I am more than making up for it with the amount of coffee and speciality lattes I am consuming.) 
(Seriously, this is quite possibly the creamiest milk chocolate fondu I have ever tasted.)After dessert, we took our time walking back through one of my favourite streets with trendy shops all ready with their holiday windows and then hit the sheets for some much needed rest.
It was so nice to escape our heads for the night, go out and have fun. We both really needed it.
This coming week is filled with craziness for me. I am hoping to finally connect with NN tomorrow to work out a plan and then have my WTF with Sch.oolcraft on Tuesday where I will be grilling him on his thoughts about testing the remaining embryos (your thoughts on this are so welcome)j followed by Parent Teacher Conferences at the end of the week. I'm exhausted just saying all that. Needless to say, its going to be an emotional roller coaster of a week.
***
This morning I reached out to two IRL IF sisters. One suffered a devastating pre-term loss of a DE IVF with no remaining embryos. The other, new to the tribe. It was not easy for me to put myself out there, but I have received so much love and support from all of you, that I wanted to do the same for these women.
-R.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Pay Back
I asked NN to call me today to discuss the situation. She finally called at 545pm MT. Seriously? I waited all day for the phone and then finally went out to dinner and forgot my phone. She did email that she will look over GC's file this weekend and get her on a short dose of BCP to bring on a period early. Ok, its something I guess.
Tonight at family dinner, I did what I could to get through the night. I drank. A lot. This week I have rediscovered my love affair with wine and caffeine. Oh the caffeine, how I have missed you these past years. I can literally count on one hand the amount of decaf lattes I've had since starting at CCRM. I think I have had Star.bucks everyday this week. I guess that's a bright point.
Tonight at dinner, it was flu shot night. My dad brings it home and we all get vaccinated. A. let me inject him. Seriously, why in the world would you let a drunk amateur inject you? True love. In four years of being on stims I have never given an injection. Today was the day. It was exhilarating. I felt free. Maybe it was the alcohol, I don't know. Either way, I liked it.
-R.
Tonight at family dinner, I did what I could to get through the night. I drank. A lot. This week I have rediscovered my love affair with wine and caffeine. Oh the caffeine, how I have missed you these past years. I can literally count on one hand the amount of decaf lattes I've had since starting at CCRM. I think I have had Star.bucks everyday this week. I guess that's a bright point.
Tonight at dinner, it was flu shot night. My dad brings it home and we all get vaccinated. A. let me inject him. Seriously, why in the world would you let a drunk amateur inject you? True love. In four years of being on stims I have never given an injection. Today was the day. It was exhilarating. I felt free. Maybe it was the alcohol, I don't know. Either way, I liked it.
-R.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
It Dropped
The other shoe. I have lost my sense of calm. I was doing well, really well actually. I had a plan in place and I was feeling ok. I got a call from the GC last night. Apparently she began spotting on BCP - she never spots. This.Is.Not.Good. The spotting is consistent and is now being classified as AF. Oh fuck. I call email NN to see if we can get her in early for screening, but since its Thanksgiving there are no spots. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I have to wait another month.
I should be used to the waiting. I should be used to delays. I am so not. I have been crying off and on all day. I even broke down in front of a friend before going to dinner. In four years, I have never lost my cool in front of someone other than immediate family. Never. I tried pleading with NN, but it didn't work. There just are no spots. This can't be happening. I looked at the calendar. The next she will be ready to go for the screening will be Christmas. I am sure the office is going to be closed so this will just further delay me. I just don't know what to do.
I really needed to have this plan in place before my sister gives birth. She's due, January first and now it doesn't look like this is going to happen. Haven't I suffered enough? Why can't one fucking thing just work out the way it is supposed to? I am so ready to just give up.
-R.
I should be used to the waiting. I should be used to delays. I am so not. I have been crying off and on all day. I even broke down in front of a friend before going to dinner. In four years, I have never lost my cool in front of someone other than immediate family. Never. I tried pleading with NN, but it didn't work. There just are no spots. This can't be happening. I looked at the calendar. The next she will be ready to go for the screening will be Christmas. I am sure the office is going to be closed so this will just further delay me. I just don't know what to do.
I really needed to have this plan in place before my sister gives birth. She's due, January first and now it doesn't look like this is going to happen. Haven't I suffered enough? Why can't one fucking thing just work out the way it is supposed to? I am so ready to just give up.
-R.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Disconnected
AF arrived yesterday with a vengeance. I didn't cry at her presence, come to think of it, I didn't even give it a second thought. I wasn't expecting it though. I was caught completely off guard and unprepared. But again, not devastated. I find this weird.
Am I denial? Why do I seem ok right now? I should be hysterical. I should be having difficulty getting out of bed in the morning. I should be wishing time away. I'm not. I think I'm doing ok right now, and this scares me. It's like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Is it possible that I am just so used to disappointment and devastation that it no longer affects me?
I'm sad that this cycle failed and that I have lost the chance to be pregnant. I'm angry as hell at this too. So why do I look and sound ok?
Is it because A. and I are actually on the same page? Or that I am so excited that we are planning a romantic night this weekend to celebrate our shitty luck (I booked a hotel on Pric.eline and a nice/trendy restaurant)? I just don't know how to describe what I am feeling and this is not like me. I think I must be in shock. It's the only thing that would make sense.
Oh shit, it is going to suck when the reality finally sets in. I am not looking forward to that. Maybe I stay in this state of calm oblivion forever. No, I can't. I need to process what is happening, because things are moving along with the GC and I need to get my head in the game. NN should have received her medical records yesterday. Assuming everything is ok, I can book her check-up for the end of this month. Once that step is passed, we can begin the legal work and then start preparing for the FET. On paper things seem to moving forward. I anticipate a Jan/Feb transfer if everything goes according to plan (when does that actually happen - especially with me?). So I need to start processing my feelings for all of this. I just don't know where to start.
Should I be worried that I am not more upset? Is this a normal reaction after everything I have been through in the last four years? Do I need an intervention?
I just don't know anymore. I am numb. Maybe for now it's a good thing.
-R.
Am I denial? Why do I seem ok right now? I should be hysterical. I should be having difficulty getting out of bed in the morning. I should be wishing time away. I'm not. I think I'm doing ok right now, and this scares me. It's like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Is it possible that I am just so used to disappointment and devastation that it no longer affects me?
I'm sad that this cycle failed and that I have lost the chance to be pregnant. I'm angry as hell at this too. So why do I look and sound ok?
Is it because A. and I are actually on the same page? Or that I am so excited that we are planning a romantic night this weekend to celebrate our shitty luck (I booked a hotel on Pric.eline and a nice/trendy restaurant)? I just don't know how to describe what I am feeling and this is not like me. I think I must be in shock. It's the only thing that would make sense.
Oh shit, it is going to suck when the reality finally sets in. I am not looking forward to that. Maybe I stay in this state of calm oblivion forever. No, I can't. I need to process what is happening, because things are moving along with the GC and I need to get my head in the game. NN should have received her medical records yesterday. Assuming everything is ok, I can book her check-up for the end of this month. Once that step is passed, we can begin the legal work and then start preparing for the FET. On paper things seem to moving forward. I anticipate a Jan/Feb transfer if everything goes according to plan (when does that actually happen - especially with me?). So I need to start processing my feelings for all of this. I just don't know where to start.
Should I be worried that I am not more upset? Is this a normal reaction after everything I have been through in the last four years? Do I need an intervention?
I just don't know anymore. I am numb. Maybe for now it's a good thing.
-R.
Monday, November 15, 2010
I'm doing ok. I'm working hard and trying not to think about the disaster my life has become. So far, I have only needed to take a Valium once, so I think this is progress. As much as it was difficult seeing the one lonely line day after day, I think it helped me make this all seem real. I haven't processed all that this means and the enormity of the situation and to be honest, I don't really want to right now. For today, I am working on not crying and getting through the day. It is a lot easier said than done.
-R.
-R.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Coping
I'm here in Ottawa and I survived (barely) the night. I emailed NN in the morning and told her to email me the directions for stopping meds as I didn't want the call. She did. It was easier to take that way.
I managed to avoid full hysterics all day, but there moments - many moments of hidden tears, deep breathing and biting my tongue.
I had to have my go to feel better food. A McDonald's chocolate shake. I haven't eaten anything from there in years, but it was so good. In high school when I was down, I just had one and felt better (like when I broke up with a bf). The best part was, I texted a friend to tell her what I was drinking and she just knew. I didn't have to say the words and that was really nice.
A has been a surprise through all of this. I had been prepping for the news for days but he wasn't ready to hear it. Finally on Thursday night he did. He told me how proud he was if me for continuing to fight and never giving up. Wow. I guess I didn't realize he felt that way. He also said that its time we celebrate. We need to toast the end of a long fight and the beginning of a new one (hopefully one with far less battle scars). I thought this idea was perfect. So next weekend we are going for a night on the town. If anyone is from Toronto and has some suggestions, I'm all ears.
I think about where we were last summer and I am so proud of us. We found our way back together stronger than before. Maybe this is the lesson I'm taking away from this all? I don't know.
I'm still raw, devastated and shocked. Unfortunately (or fortunately) I haven't had time to really process what is happening. Aside from our parents no one knows about our latest trip or our plans and I'm not sure how/when/if to tell. Advice is welcome here.
***
The conference itself isn't proving to be the best distraction at all. I am usually the youngest person in attendance by 20 years, but there are a handful of us 'youngsters'. We went around and introduced ourselves and of course I get seated beside the over-the-moon first time pg gal who must have thrown it into conversation 100 times. Seriously, the marks in my tongue may be permanent. I was so distraut that I went to bed early with my bff - Vallium. I managed to sleep and at least I know what to expect today and who to try and avoid.
The speakers and activities planned for the weekend sound promising and informative so at least the weekend won't be a total disaster.
-R.
I managed to avoid full hysterics all day, but there moments - many moments of hidden tears, deep breathing and biting my tongue.
I had to have my go to feel better food. A McDonald's chocolate shake. I haven't eaten anything from there in years, but it was so good. In high school when I was down, I just had one and felt better (like when I broke up with a bf). The best part was, I texted a friend to tell her what I was drinking and she just knew. I didn't have to say the words and that was really nice.
A has been a surprise through all of this. I had been prepping for the news for days but he wasn't ready to hear it. Finally on Thursday night he did. He told me how proud he was if me for continuing to fight and never giving up. Wow. I guess I didn't realize he felt that way. He also said that its time we celebrate. We need to toast the end of a long fight and the beginning of a new one (hopefully one with far less battle scars). I thought this idea was perfect. So next weekend we are going for a night on the town. If anyone is from Toronto and has some suggestions, I'm all ears.
I think about where we were last summer and I am so proud of us. We found our way back together stronger than before. Maybe this is the lesson I'm taking away from this all? I don't know.
I'm still raw, devastated and shocked. Unfortunately (or fortunately) I haven't had time to really process what is happening. Aside from our parents no one knows about our latest trip or our plans and I'm not sure how/when/if to tell. Advice is welcome here.
***
The conference itself isn't proving to be the best distraction at all. I am usually the youngest person in attendance by 20 years, but there are a handful of us 'youngsters'. We went around and introduced ourselves and of course I get seated beside the over-the-moon first time pg gal who must have thrown it into conversation 100 times. Seriously, the marks in my tongue may be permanent. I was so distraut that I went to bed early with my bff - Vallium. I managed to sleep and at least I know what to expect today and who to try and avoid.
The speakers and activities planned for the weekend sound promising and informative so at least the weekend won't be a total disaster.
-R.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Beta Day
Last night I had the most beautiful dream. I dreamt that I had never miscarried last summer and it was time to meet my baby. I was woken from my sleep by some stomach cramping and within two short minutes, my baby was out and he was beautiful.
I didn't want to wake up. I don't want this dream to be over. I will never be pregnant. I will never experience the movement or the feeling of a baby inside me.
Walking into my local RE for this mornings test was probably the hardest thing I have had to do in the last four years. I thought I was ok, I thought I was prepared. I was wrong. I'm so profoundly sad that things did not work they way we all hoped and thought they would. The pain of this latest failure will be with me for a long time - probably forever.
I just can't believe that I'm back in this place yet again.
-R.
I didn't want to wake up. I don't want this dream to be over. I will never be pregnant. I will never experience the movement or the feeling of a baby inside me.
Walking into my local RE for this mornings test was probably the hardest thing I have had to do in the last four years. I thought I was ok, I thought I was prepared. I was wrong. I'm so profoundly sad that things did not work they way we all hoped and thought they would. The pain of this latest failure will be with me for a long time - probably forever.
I just can't believe that I'm back in this place yet again.
-R.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
8dp5dt
The lonely line is still present. It wasn't horrible this morning. Don't get me wrong, this mother fucking sucks, but at least I didn't cry. I managed to make it through most of the day without shedding a tear or even welling up. It has sunk in though, this cycle failed. I will never be pregnant. I am that farther from reaching the end of this journey.
A. and I had a really great talk about things tonight. We are both committed to eachother and our GC plan. Yes, we hate that we are in this place, but we are going to try and move forward and not let this completely devastate us (me). I told him, I will try and be brave and positive, but if (when) his sister announces her pregnancy all bets are off. He understands. It was really nice being able to rely on eachother. Usually, when we get devastating news (and lets face it, we get it a lot), we each grieve in our own ways. To some degree this is still true. I have been hysterically crying and grieving all week, and he is only beginning to now. I know I still have a long way to go before I am able to accept what has happened and all that I have lost, but I know I will get there...eventually.
Tomorrow, I leave A. for a women's weekend away to the Capital City, Ottawa. I am looking forward to some much needed time away. I am just really hope I will be able to keep myself together on the train when the call comes.
-R.
A. and I had a really great talk about things tonight. We are both committed to eachother and our GC plan. Yes, we hate that we are in this place, but we are going to try and move forward and not let this completely devastate us (me). I told him, I will try and be brave and positive, but if (when) his sister announces her pregnancy all bets are off. He understands. It was really nice being able to rely on eachother. Usually, when we get devastating news (and lets face it, we get it a lot), we each grieve in our own ways. To some degree this is still true. I have been hysterically crying and grieving all week, and he is only beginning to now. I know I still have a long way to go before I am able to accept what has happened and all that I have lost, but I know I will get there...eventually.
Tomorrow, I leave A. for a women's weekend away to the Capital City, Ottawa. I am looking forward to some much needed time away. I am just really hope I will be able to keep myself together on the train when the call comes.
-R.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
7dp5dt
I slept well last night; probably I had exhausted myself from the early morning fanatical crying and cleaning session followed by an insainely long day at work. When it was finally time to wake up, I checked again...still just the one line. I will admit that somewhere very far in the back of my head, I thought that maybe my second line would show up just like so many of you. Kicked in the teeth again. I am probably not going to test again, it just upsets me. I am way to fragile and need to keep my shit together at work. It is all I can do not to start crying at every drop of the hat, I have managed to sneak a few tears here and there, but I leave the sobbing for my car.
In other news, my GC finally got all her medical records and they are going express post to CCR.M first thing Friday morning (tomorrow is Rememberance Day and the post office is closed). So at least that is something in the right direction.
Again, thanks for your sympathies, prayers and friendship I shudder to think how broken I would be without all of you.
-R.
In other news, my GC finally got all her medical records and they are going express post to CCR.M first thing Friday morning (tomorrow is Rememberance Day and the post office is closed). So at least that is something in the right direction.
Again, thanks for your sympathies, prayers and friendship I shudder to think how broken I would be without all of you.
-R.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Getting Through the Day
Thank you for not judging me and continuing to hold out hope, when I fear there is none to be had. For the record, tonight's test is still BFN. This morning, I was at my worst. I need to apologize to you. Infertility is not the Pain Olympics and my pain is no worse than any of yours. We all suffer. BUT, I still admit that if you have found success, it is different.
I am trying to move forward and be ok with the way this is playing out, it just make sense to me. Why would it begin to work last time with a thinner lining, and now not? It just doesn't make sense. I guess this is one of those things that I will never know the answer to.
I am constantly on the verge of tears and feel like I could fall into a million pieces at every turn, but I am holding it together as best I can. Just trying to put one foot in front of the other and breathe. Only a few more days until this limbo nightmare will be over.
Just thought it was appropriate.
-R.
I am trying to move forward and be ok with the way this is playing out, it just make sense to me. Why would it begin to work last time with a thinner lining, and now not? It just doesn't make sense. I guess this is one of those things that I will never know the answer to.
I am constantly on the verge of tears and feel like I could fall into a million pieces at every turn, but I am holding it together as best I can. Just trying to put one foot in front of the other and breathe. Only a few more days until this limbo nightmare will be over.
Just thought it was appropriate.
-R.
6dp5dt
This morning's test showed the same BFN. Thank you for your comments from yesterday, but I really feel at this point that it is over. Most of you have known me long enough to realize that I am not one of those people. You know the ones, from Science class. The ones who cried after the exam and swore they failed only to find out a few days later that they got one of the highest marks in the class. I hate those people.
This just plain sucks. I must admit that I am a little surprised it didn't work. I eliminated every obstacle (my eggs, thin lining...) and still, to come up with a negative just sucks. A. still thinks its too early. It is early, but I know how I feel and I honestly just don't think I will ever experience any part of my family planning process.
They say that every pregnancy is different, unique and not to compare, but we all do it. We compare to past cycles and other people. We feel upset when someone gets a positive at 5dp5dt or when we did last time. Last time, I just knew. You know how some talk about that bullshit, you just know. It's true. Last time, I wasn't scared at all to POAS, because I knew how it would turn out. Now, I just have sadness. I know this too. I know this cycle didn't work. I know, I will never have a genetically related child OR experience pregnancy. I know that most of you have found success and I am happy for you, but for the >4 of us that haven't, you have absolutely no idea how much pain there is.
I would love nothing more than to eat my words tomorrow and announce the viewing of a second line, but I don't think its going to happen. I need to start really preparing myself for my future. I need to find a way to be ok with the shitty hand life has dealt me. Yes, I have many things to be thankful for (an amazing husband, supportive and loving family, great job, house...) but knowing the one thing that makes you a woman is broken is something really hard to get over. If it was just my eggs, ok I would deal. I did, I went the donor route and to be honest, since I 'said goodbye' to Ms. Perfect all those months ago, I haven't looked back. If it was just my uterus, I could deal as well. But both? Come the fuck on, I'm only 31 years old. This just isn't how it was supposed to be.
Once again my body has betrayed me. Once again I have let myself and A. down. Once again we have wasted tens of thousands of dollars at a stupid what if. Once again I am just devastated.
-R.
This just plain sucks. I must admit that I am a little surprised it didn't work. I eliminated every obstacle (my eggs, thin lining...) and still, to come up with a negative just sucks. A. still thinks its too early. It is early, but I know how I feel and I honestly just don't think I will ever experience any part of my family planning process.
They say that every pregnancy is different, unique and not to compare, but we all do it. We compare to past cycles and other people. We feel upset when someone gets a positive at 5dp5dt or when we did last time. Last time, I just knew. You know how some talk about that bullshit, you just know. It's true. Last time, I wasn't scared at all to POAS, because I knew how it would turn out. Now, I just have sadness. I know this too. I know this cycle didn't work. I know, I will never have a genetically related child OR experience pregnancy. I know that most of you have found success and I am happy for you, but for the >4 of us that haven't, you have absolutely no idea how much pain there is.
I would love nothing more than to eat my words tomorrow and announce the viewing of a second line, but I don't think its going to happen. I need to start really preparing myself for my future. I need to find a way to be ok with the shitty hand life has dealt me. Yes, I have many things to be thankful for (an amazing husband, supportive and loving family, great job, house...) but knowing the one thing that makes you a woman is broken is something really hard to get over. If it was just my eggs, ok I would deal. I did, I went the donor route and to be honest, since I 'said goodbye' to Ms. Perfect all those months ago, I haven't looked back. If it was just my uterus, I could deal as well. But both? Come the fuck on, I'm only 31 years old. This just isn't how it was supposed to be.
Once again my body has betrayed me. Once again I have let myself and A. down. Once again we have wasted tens of thousands of dollars at a stupid what if. Once again I am just devastated.
-R.
Monday, November 8, 2010
5dp5dt
I woke up at 3am, but thought it was too early. I forced myself to lay in bed for another two hours. 5am the stick showed a BFN. I have lost all hope. I know it is early, but I did see a second line quite clearly last time. I am preparing myself for the worst.
-R.
-R.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
4dp5dt
Last night was rough. I was exhausted and decided to make it a very early night. No, I don't think this is hormone related, I just had a long day. The ute' cramping continued through the night and at 2am, I started to get vivid dreams about POASing. I had this feeling that it would be ok. I mean doesn't everyone get a positive at 2am somewhere between 3dp5dt and 4dp5dt? Um NO. Neither did I. I wasn't that upset. I realize it was just too damn early, but there was something telling me I needed to do it. I am not going to try again today, but tomorrow it is on. Last time, I got a faint line in the evening of 5dp5dt, should I wait until after work or do first morning pee? I need to know, this waiting is killing me.
In other news, my SIL and new BIL have returned from their honeymoon. I am expecting a pregnancy announcement. Just for once, can something go my way?
-R.
In other news, my SIL and new BIL have returned from their honeymoon. I am expecting a pregnancy announcement. Just for once, can something go my way?
-R.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
3dp5dt
I have had AF-like cramps all day. I am taking this as a good sign. I want to POAS, but I know it is way to early. I need to know. The hope returned with the cramps.
-R.
-R.
Friday, November 5, 2010
2dp5dt
I'm in this weird place. On the one hand I am hopeful, but on the other, I have been here before and know how badly things can end. I have been awake for hours now and just thinking about the last time I was in this place. Last May I was so filled with hope. I had changed the biggest variable, my eggs and was feeling something going on down there. I have those feelings now. I am overly aware of my uterus right now. I feel the AF-like cramps and tugging and pulling sensations. So far, things are exactly the same as last time. This scares me.
I am trying to be positive, but it is just so difficult. I am scared. When I get out of bed this morning, my official bedrest will be over. I will be out of that stage forever. It's bittersweet. I am ready to move on, one way or another. I need to move on. The thought of analyzing every single twinge for the next seven days sounds like torture right now. The fact that I have twinges to analyze about brings me hope. I just don't know what to think or feel anymore.
No matter what happens, I have no regrets for this cycle. I did everything I could think of to make my chances optimal, and they were...for me. I am proud of my luscious lining and think we transferred two great embryos. On paper, this is a good cycle. Life isn't paper though. At least not mine. It is so difficult to be optimistic when you have experienced more BFNs and loss than one should have to endure.
The last time I was here, on 2dp5dt, I thought about how this would be my last time in Denver. Will that be the case this time? With everything in me I hope so. I just don't know.
-R.
I am trying to be positive, but it is just so difficult. I am scared. When I get out of bed this morning, my official bedrest will be over. I will be out of that stage forever. It's bittersweet. I am ready to move on, one way or another. I need to move on. The thought of analyzing every single twinge for the next seven days sounds like torture right now. The fact that I have twinges to analyze about brings me hope. I just don't know what to think or feel anymore.
No matter what happens, I have no regrets for this cycle. I did everything I could think of to make my chances optimal, and they were...for me. I am proud of my luscious lining and think we transferred two great embryos. On paper, this is a good cycle. Life isn't paper though. At least not mine. It is so difficult to be optimistic when you have experienced more BFNs and loss than one should have to endure.
The last time I was here, on 2dp5dt, I thought about how this would be my last time in Denver. Will that be the case this time? With everything in me I hope so. I just don't know.
-R.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
1DP5DT
I looked back to May when I was 1dp5dt and the day was identical to today including our choice of dinner restaurant. Weird.
A. has been taking great care of me and it has been nice to just veg out and relax - especially after the last couple of weeks I've had.
In terms of feeling something, there is definitely something going on in the lower abdomen region. It is cramping and I'm highly aware of the session. Yes, its probably just the progesterone, but again I had these feelings last time.
In other news I got an email from AL asking what was happening. I was honest with her and told her where I was. She's being great about everything, but I would like to put all the GC stuff away until I find out of I need it.
I know this may not end up the way I hope, but I'm trying to believe in miracles. Please let this be my miracle.
-R.
A. has been taking great care of me and it has been nice to just veg out and relax - especially after the last couple of weeks I've had.
In terms of feeling something, there is definitely something going on in the lower abdomen region. It is cramping and I'm highly aware of the session. Yes, its probably just the progesterone, but again I had these feelings last time.
In other news I got an email from AL asking what was happening. I was honest with her and told her where I was. She's being great about everything, but I would like to put all the GC stuff away until I find out of I need it.
I know this may not end up the way I hope, but I'm trying to believe in miracles. Please let this be my miracle.
-R.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
I'm PUPO! - UPDATED
I was surprised at my being able to sleep last night. Yes, I woke up a few times throughout the night, but overal, I was pretty relaxed. A. and I met Lisa and her DH for breakfast in the hotel lobby this morning. I was feeling pretty relaxed and in a good place, emotionally.
When we checked in at the clinic, the phelbotologist remembered me. That's never a good sign. She didn't know me by name, but by my veins. We laughed about it and as I walked out, I said, "I hope to not see you again for a really long time". We both laughed. I was taken into the transfer room and prepped for acupuncture. There was a new person doing it that I hadn't met before and to be honest, I didn't care for her. In the past, they have always explained what each point stimulates, but she was silent and some of those points hurt. It wasn't anything too bad, but different from my past experiences.
When it was time for the transfer, we were all set to go. I had my new good luck transfer socks on and my moonstone necklace.
Dr. Sch.oolcraft ended up changing his schedule around and was there for the transfer. I joked with him that he couldn't stand to be away from me. I asked what he thought of my amazing 7mm lining, and he used the word, luschious. Seriously? Me, with a luscious lining? I then asked about my embryos and he told me they were as good as they could be for being Canadian! I guess when you have had as much contact with him as I have had, we are now at the point of jokes. He really lightened up the mood and it made a huge difference.
We ended up transferring two day 5 blasts. One was 100% thawed and reexpanded and the other was 99% and moderately reexpanded. I am happy with this and I think they are the most beautiful embryos in the world.
When he was leaving the room, he said one final thing to me. He told me that if perserverance and determination could affect the outcome, than I was an Olympic Champion. I thought that was nice. I mean, we all know, it doesn't affect the outcome, but it was a really nice way to end my last transfer with my uterus.
Overal, I am feeling really calm and at ease with everything, but of course, that will change as the days go on and the realization of this weigh on my mind. I gave it my best shot and I really hope this will be the beginning of an exciting nine months.
I felt your thoughts and prayers today and really appreciate them. I would be lost without this amazing community.
-R.
UPDATED: A. and I brought in PF Changs for dinner. My fortune cookie read, "avenues of good fortune are ahead for you". Oh please come true!
When we checked in at the clinic, the phelbotologist remembered me. That's never a good sign. She didn't know me by name, but by my veins. We laughed about it and as I walked out, I said, "I hope to not see you again for a really long time". We both laughed. I was taken into the transfer room and prepped for acupuncture. There was a new person doing it that I hadn't met before and to be honest, I didn't care for her. In the past, they have always explained what each point stimulates, but she was silent and some of those points hurt. It wasn't anything too bad, but different from my past experiences.
When it was time for the transfer, we were all set to go. I had my new good luck transfer socks on and my moonstone necklace.
Dr. Sch.oolcraft ended up changing his schedule around and was there for the transfer. I joked with him that he couldn't stand to be away from me. I asked what he thought of my amazing 7mm lining, and he used the word, luschious. Seriously? Me, with a luscious lining? I then asked about my embryos and he told me they were as good as they could be for being Canadian! I guess when you have had as much contact with him as I have had, we are now at the point of jokes. He really lightened up the mood and it made a huge difference.
We ended up transferring two day 5 blasts. One was 100% thawed and reexpanded and the other was 99% and moderately reexpanded. I am happy with this and I think they are the most beautiful embryos in the world.
When he was leaving the room, he said one final thing to me. He told me that if perserverance and determination could affect the outcome, than I was an Olympic Champion. I thought that was nice. I mean, we all know, it doesn't affect the outcome, but it was a really nice way to end my last transfer with my uterus.
Overal, I am feeling really calm and at ease with everything, but of course, that will change as the days go on and the realization of this weigh on my mind. I gave it my best shot and I really hope this will be the beginning of an exciting nine months.
I felt your thoughts and prayers today and really appreciate them. I would be lost without this amazing community.
-R.
UPDATED: A. and I brought in PF Changs for dinner. My fortune cookie read, "avenues of good fortune are ahead for you". Oh please come true!
Happiness - *UPDATED*
Today was absolutely perfect. We had the easiest flight (the plane was practically empty so we each had our own row to spread out) with no complications or wait times. When we arrived at the car rental, they upgraded us to a larger vehicle as the category we chose was all sold out. The first offered us a pick-up truck...hell no! We are city people and we don't know how to drive trucks. So, they gave a us a minivan instead. I'm choosing to take this a sign.
We then stopped for lunch at one of our favourite places, Ted's Montana Grill, because we found one right off the highway in the direction we were going! So awesome. After lunch, we made a quick stop at CCR.M to get A.'s communicable blood drawn and fill out the many many many consents. The best part was when I asked for the bill, they said I didn't owe any money! I questioned them a few times and then let it go. I suspect a nice fat bill will be waiting tomorrow, but only time will tell.
Then it was time for some retail therapy! We hit the Outlets and A. surprising did the most damage. I tried on tons of stuff, but nothing much did it for me. I was happy for him, as he is not a huge shopper so we got him some much needed apparel. By 4:00pm we were exhausted. We quickly came into the room to get changed and then headed to another favourite, Maggianos. Usually I order the gnocci, but I needed to get some new energy flowing through me so I stepped it up and changed my order. I made A. do the same. We were both happy with our meals and I felt good about adding to the positive karma.
Last it was the piece d'resistance for me, meeting my friend, LisainSK and her DH A. The four of us connected immediately as if were old life long friends. We talked about everything from TTCing to traveling and everything in between. The best part for me (aside from the obvious of seeing Lisa) was that this was the first time that A. has ever had a male to speak to. This summer when we met up with Cassie, we had an equally awesome time, but sadly her husband was not there. Tonight, A. got to get another man's perspective on going through IF and what life has been like for him. I believe this to be a life changing event for A. He is such an open person, but no one IRL gets it. His friends have kids which were conceived with no medical assistance so he really hasn't had an outlet to express himself or hear from others. I am truly blessed to have found this community and especially those who I have had the fortune of meeting IRL (Cassie, T, Lisa).
Tomorrow is D-Day. I am ready (I think). Wish me luck at 1:15MT.
-R.
TRANSFER GOT MOVED UP TO 12:15MT.
We then stopped for lunch at one of our favourite places, Ted's Montana Grill, because we found one right off the highway in the direction we were going! So awesome. After lunch, we made a quick stop at CCR.M to get A.'s communicable blood drawn and fill out the many many many consents. The best part was when I asked for the bill, they said I didn't owe any money! I questioned them a few times and then let it go. I suspect a nice fat bill will be waiting tomorrow, but only time will tell.
Then it was time for some retail therapy! We hit the Outlets and A. surprising did the most damage. I tried on tons of stuff, but nothing much did it for me. I was happy for him, as he is not a huge shopper so we got him some much needed apparel. By 4:00pm we were exhausted. We quickly came into the room to get changed and then headed to another favourite, Maggianos. Usually I order the gnocci, but I needed to get some new energy flowing through me so I stepped it up and changed my order. I made A. do the same. We were both happy with our meals and I felt good about adding to the positive karma.
Last it was the piece d'resistance for me, meeting my friend, LisainSK and her DH A. The four of us connected immediately as if were old life long friends. We talked about everything from TTCing to traveling and everything in between. The best part for me (aside from the obvious of seeing Lisa) was that this was the first time that A. has ever had a male to speak to. This summer when we met up with Cassie, we had an equally awesome time, but sadly her husband was not there. Tonight, A. got to get another man's perspective on going through IF and what life has been like for him. I believe this to be a life changing event for A. He is such an open person, but no one IRL gets it. His friends have kids which were conceived with no medical assistance so he really hasn't had an outlet to express himself or hear from others. I am truly blessed to have found this community and especially those who I have had the fortune of meeting IRL (Cassie, T, Lisa).
Tomorrow is D-Day. I am ready (I think). Wish me luck at 1:15MT.
-R.
TRANSFER GOT MOVED UP TO 12:15MT.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
It's Finally Here!
We are getting picked up in a few minutes to go to the airport. Never did I imagine this outcome. Originally, I thought I would have been in Denver last week with GC getting her testing done, so this just continues to literally blow my mind.
I had my last ever acupuncture for fertility session last night, following by a long aromatherapy massage. It was bitter sweet. These women have helped me through some of the most challenging times in my life. They had brought me the tissues as I lay on the table with tears streaming down my face more times than I would like to admit. They were willing to try new protocols and even call Denver's people to make sure everyone was on the same page. It was truly a wonderful experience (minus the actual needles of course).
This feels like the end of this journey. I'm doing ok...right now. I am really happy that I am going in to my last transfer with my uterus with my best odds to date. I feel good.
Transfer is set for Wednesday at 1:15MT. I have already felt you all with me every step of the way so far and I have to thank you for that. The outpouring of love and support brings me to tears.
-R.
I had my last ever acupuncture for fertility session last night, following by a long aromatherapy massage. It was bitter sweet. These women have helped me through some of the most challenging times in my life. They had brought me the tissues as I lay on the table with tears streaming down my face more times than I would like to admit. They were willing to try new protocols and even call Denver's people to make sure everyone was on the same page. It was truly a wonderful experience (minus the actual needles of course).
This feels like the end of this journey. I'm doing ok...right now. I am really happy that I am going in to my last transfer with my uterus with my best odds to date. I feel good.
Transfer is set for Wednesday at 1:15MT. I have already felt you all with me every step of the way so far and I have to thank you for that. The outpouring of love and support brings me to tears.
-R.
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