Saturday, November 13, 2010


I'm here in Ottawa and I survived (barely) the night. I emailed NN in the morning and told her to email me the directions for stopping meds as I didn't want the call. She did. It was easier to take that way.

I managed to avoid full hysterics all day, but there moments - many moments of hidden tears, deep breathing and biting my tongue.

I had to have my go to feel better food. A McDonald's chocolate shake. I haven't eaten anything from there in years, but it was so good. In high school when I was down, I just had one and felt better (like when I broke up with a bf). The best part was, I texted a friend to tell her what I was drinking and she just knew. I didn't have to say the words and that was really nice.

A has been a surprise through all of this. I had been prepping for the news for days but he wasn't ready to hear it. Finally on Thursday night he did. He told me how proud he was if me for continuing to fight and never giving up. Wow. I guess I didn't realize he felt that way. He also said that its time we celebrate. We need to toast the end of a long fight and the beginning of a new one (hopefully one with far less battle scars). I thought this idea was perfect. So next weekend we are going for a night on the town. If anyone is from Toronto and has some suggestions, I'm all ears.

I think about where we were last summer and I am so proud of us. We found our way back together stronger than before. Maybe this is the lesson I'm taking away from this all? I don't know.

I'm still raw, devastated and shocked. Unfortunately (or fortunately) I haven't had time to really process what is happening. Aside from our parents no one knows about our latest trip or our plans and I'm not sure how/when/if to tell. Advice is welcome here.


The conference itself isn't proving to be the best distraction at all. I am usually the youngest person in attendance by 20 years, but there are a handful of us 'youngsters'. We went around and introduced ourselves and of course I get seated beside the over-the-moon first time pg gal who must have thrown it into conversation 100 times. Seriously, the marks in my tongue may be permanent. I was so distraut that I went to bed early with my bff - Vallium. I managed to sleep and at least I know what to expect today and who to try and avoid.

The speakers and activities planned for the weekend sound promising and informative so at least the weekend won't be a total disaster.



  1. *hugs* A is wonderful! What a beautiful idea to celebrate the beginning of a new chapter. You are blessed to have him.
    I am so sorry for the hurt, the pain and the anger. Sending you love.

  2. Hey R...there isn't an hour that goes by wondering how you are doing. I am in tears reading what A said to you - a celebration - my GOD woman!! You two deserve a fricken parade downtown Yonge Street in Toronto! Toast and Feast the weekend away next weekend! That has got to be the most beautiful idea I have ever heard and the fact that it came from your A - oh - I could just kiss him on both cheeks right now! He knew exactly what to say. Hoping that you can steer clear of that fertile today (I say it like it's a bad thing but yeah...stay far away from her) and really hoping that the conference activities will give your brain that 45 minute break to think about something else. I believe its these pauses that will give your psyche the time to heal and make you stronger as you start the next journey.

    As far as when and who to tell about the GC...probably best to do it when you feel stable enough to answer the questions. When you are ready, I know email is so impersonal, but that way the ones you want to know will all get the same information and one email makes it so that you don't have to re-tell the story over and over which can be so tough. Did your family and friends know that you and A were undergoing donor egg IVF earlier this year? As far as the world...they don't have to know until a birth announcement. That's my thoughts.

  3. I think A's suggestion is so wonderful, you do deserve to celebrate getting through everything and starting a new chapter. Your strength and grace through this process just amaze me!

    A McDonald's chocolate shake is also my go to comfort food, but I do have some fries with mine because I like the salty/sweet together. Hope you can avoid the pg today, can't be good for your mental health....

  4. I have been thinking about you for several days now and this post made me realize how lucky you are to have such a supportive husband! I agree with what Lisa said about the GC. Your attitude is so commendable! And you deserve way more than a chocolate shake!


  5. (((hugs)))

    I'm glad to hear that you and A are dealing with this together, and he is keeping a positive attitude to help you both move forward. I don't have any advice about telling about the GC, other than follow your gut/heart.

    And it might be a 2-chocolate shake weekend, I wouldn't blame you at all.

  6. I know you're so disappointed and how raw everything feels, but I hear glimmers of hope here in what you've blogged about. I'm sorry that conference isn't turning out to be the distraction that you hoped. Hang in there. (((HUGS)))

  7. I'm so sorry. I've followed your story and wished so hard for you. I hope this next turn in the path on your journey brings new and happier times. Your celebration sounds so apt - a vaillant fight, honorably fought. Sending you and A much love x

  8. I'm proud of you too, R. You have fought long and hard and I love your hub's suggestion of celebrating the end of one long hard tiresome and sad battle and starting a new journey.

    I also think everything feels just a smidge better with a chocolate shake on board :)


  9. your husband sounds amazing, and just what you need. i too think it's a lovely idea that you're going to celebrate and try to take something positive from this.

    i cannot believe how the world works; ending up sitting next to a pregnant person and having to listen to her babble on the whole are so strong for being able to cope with that & not say anything. you are an incredible person. *hugs*

  10. ive been thinking of you nonstop and im so glad that you and A are taking good care of yourselves.
    im so sorry that all this is real, its just not fair.

  11. It is good to hear from you. I have been hoping your retreat was treating you well.

    A celebration sounds in order. I hope the healing moves quickly through you.

    Your husband is caring and thoughtful. What a great partner to take on the next steps.

  12. Google Mari.posa Cru.ise Li.nes and check out their cruises. It was one of the best experiences EVER. They only have 5 more sailings before the end of the year though. And no matter how you wind up becoming a mom (GC, adoption, etc...) you will be the best mother in the entire world... I truly believe that!

  13. I know there are no words that I can offer that will take any of your pain away. Hang in there and do whatever you need to get through the day. I think A's suggestion of a celebration is a wonderful idea. Enjoy your time together, celebrate your love and your new journey.

  14. I love the celebration idea - you definitely need one. Time for a new chapter in your journey - it will be good to get some closure and look forward to the next steps.

  15. Glad you and A are going to take some time and celebrate together. It's so important to have a partner like that along for this crazy ride, and I'm so glad you have him. *hugs*

  16. I'm glad you and your husband are able to lean on each other. I agree with the other ladies that you need to take some time to celebrate. Wishing you the best.