Thursday, November 25, 2010

Where I'm At

I'm sorry I left you all hanging, but I just couldn't deal. I still can't, but I am getting better. Here's a recap of the last three days:

- NN calls Monday night to tell me the GC was rejected. She found that she had high blood pressure and symptoms of preeclampsia for two weeks during her first pregnancy.
- NN was not very nice or empathic about the situation, in fact when I tried to prompt her for some more info, she was unwilling to go into details.
- Devastation kicks in.
- I email Sj and AL to get the ball rolling on next steps.
- Tell A. and email my parents.
- Take a Vallium and cry myself to sleep.
- WTF call with Sch.oolcraft. didn't go well. I did not get a warm and fuzzy feeling from him. I asked about testing the embryos, he continues to say that it is unnecessary. I asked about using this GC, he doesn't recommend her, but if I get a peri to sign off on her, he will allow, I asked about transferring the embryos to Toronto, he feels that would kill them.
- I don't know what to believe. At this point I am just so tired.
- I brought up adoption with A. last night, he is not on board while we still have embryos (with his sperm) waiting.
- I am meeting with a local clinic this week to discuss the logistics of bringing the embryos home.
- Just so fucking tired of this shit.
- Took Valium every night this week at 7pm, in bed sleeping by 7:30pm. I just want the pain and heartache to go away.



  1. I want this nightmare to end for you too. My advice is to just gather your information and then make a decision from there. I hate that you have to do MORE than is necessary. I'll be here rooting for whatever decision you make. And whatever decision you and A make it will be the best decision. If you need me to help you reflect on your decision, I'm here too. Sending you all my love.

  2. I am so so sorry R. You have been through so so much heartache and have truly gone the distance. It is understandable that you are exhausted. Know that we are here and we so much. Huge hugs to you my friend .

  3. I am so sorry. I wish I had words to take even a fraction of your pain at this time. You've been through so much and have every right to be exhausted. I hope you are able to "enjoy" the valium a little longer and then work on finding a solution. Sending you the strength to carry on wrapped up in a giant hug. You are in my thoughts today.

  4. I can't even imagine how you must be feeling. You've been in my thoughts a lot this past wekk.

    Hope things get better soon.

  5. I am so sorry for you. If valium is what it takes, then I say go for it. I am big fan ativan for the very same reasons. I hope this gets all worked out very soon and that you have a plan that you can live with.
    my thoughts continue to be with you...

  6. I am so sorry R. I can't imagine having to go through everything you have been through and continue to endure. I hope you can find some perspective and try to figure out what your next steps should be. I'm sending you big hugs.

  7. Thanks for the explanation. I can understand A not wanting to go the adoption route until you after the embryos are gone. I can't remember how many you have left. If Dr. S says that they could die if transferred, then I think leaving them there gives you the best chance. At least he is willing to let you use the GC you picked, however their findings may make you think twice. What does the GC agency think? Let them know the concerns the doctor has. Maybe there is a better one for you, or one with no issues. I haven't lost hope on you yet.


  8. Thanks for keeping us posted; I've thought of you over this last little bit. What a shitty few days. I'm so, so sorry that you're having to go through this, R. My words are paltry consolation, I know, but I offer them nonetheless. Sending so many hugs and wishes for this confusing, heartbreaking time to pass quickly. Please take good care of yourself--whatever that means for you.

  9. I am so very sorry that Dr. Sch was so unhelpful and he is being very difficult. I hate the timing of this whole thing too, as if you needed more to deal with--the end of the year and CCRM's hiatus and your sister... Just know that so many of us are still out here pulling for a great outcome for you. I am sending you strength to continue to find your journey. ((Hugs))

  10. I'm so sorry you're going through this and I wish those you're working with were more sympathetic.... Huge hugs to you my friend!