Tuesday, November 16, 2010


AF arrived yesterday with a vengeance. I didn't cry at her presence, come to think of it, I didn't even give it a second thought. I wasn't expecting it though. I was caught completely off guard and unprepared. But again, not devastated. I find this weird.

Am I denial? Why do I seem ok right now? I should be hysterical. I should be having difficulty getting out of bed in the morning. I should be wishing time away. I'm not. I think I'm doing ok right now, and this scares me. It's like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Is it possible that I am just so used to disappointment and devastation that it no longer affects me?

I'm sad that this cycle failed and that I have lost the chance to be pregnant. I'm angry as hell at this too. So why do I look and sound ok?

Is it because A. and I are actually on the same page? Or that I am so excited that we are planning a romantic night this weekend to celebrate our shitty luck (I booked a hotel on Pric.eline and a nice/trendy restaurant)? I just don't know how to describe what I am feeling and this is not like me. I think I must be in shock. It's the only thing that would make sense.

Oh shit, it is going to suck when the reality finally sets in. I am not looking forward to that. Maybe I stay in this state of calm oblivion forever. No, I can't. I need to process what is happening, because things are moving along with the GC and I need to get my head in the game. NN should have received her medical records yesterday. Assuming everything is ok, I can book her check-up for the end of this month. Once that step is passed, we can begin the legal work and then start preparing for the FET. On paper things seem to moving forward. I anticipate a Jan/Feb transfer if everything goes according to plan (when does that actually happen - especially with me?). So I need to start processing my feelings for all of this. I just don't know where to start.

Should I be worried that I am not more upset? Is this a normal reaction after everything I have been through in the last four years? Do I need an intervention?

I just don't know anymore. I am numb. Maybe for now it's a good thing.



  1. I think you are doing well because you have a plan that is in action. You won't have to take any more crazy pregnancy tests, give yourself shots, or shove up suppositories. No wondering what every little thing means. And, it is not on you anymore. You did all you can and you can sit back and have lots of sex, eat chocolate, do pilates or whatever exercise you like, and eat sushi. You don't have to stare at the toilet paper after you go to the bathroom. You will be a mom somehow.


  2. Big hugs R. I guess in time your heart will feel the way it wants to and on its own schedule. Looking forward to following your journey in the New Year.

  3. Thinking about you at this time. I guess sometimes moving on to the next thing sort of distracts you from whatever you're feeling about the present/past. I do hope that you are able to find some peace with where you are....even if it takes and while and it comes goes. Take care.

  4. I think you got to take it as it comes. If you are ok now, great. If you are not later, then you will deal with that too.
    Sometimes I actually like my period post a cycle failure. Since I already know the cycle is a bust it feels like a cleansing, kind of, and I want to erase the cycle from my body. My period feels like the only way to do that and I want to get my body back to normal as soon as possible.
    I am so happy that you are your husband are on the same page and the GC plans are moving along. I am even more happy that you have a get a way this weekend, you more than deserve that.
    thinking of you.....

  5. Are you fearing a sort of calm before the storm? I would imagine you will hit all the stages of grief. Consider you have been in this process for a while. Perhaps you might be farther along than expected? I don't remember what they are anymore, but one is denial.

    I had my breakdown yesterday on the acupuncture table. It is very hard to sob when lying on your back. I really prefer going fetal.

  6. *hugs* I think maybe AF isn't so jarring because you already knew that this cycle was done. And your ready to move on to the next step.
    I hope you enjoy your nice weekend away!
    Thinking of you.

  7. I hope you're able to continue to process things so well. Maybe it's because you've already started moving forward with the next step in your plan. Have you seen your therapist since the end of the cycle?

    I hope you and A have the most wonderful and romantic night out this weekend! It sounds divine!

  8. Maybe you are just more prepared this time around? You have a plan B already in place and moving, I'd find that comforting. And to know you have A's full support, that you are not alone in this - that is worth a lot too. Sure, maybe things will get emotional down the line (I'm sure they will at some point anyway!) but for now, just be. Have a great weekend date with A, focus on the GC process, and enjoy getting out of bed. :)

  9. sending hugs. i guess just let the numbness last as long as it lasts. either it'll wear off and you'll be sad but ok, or it'll wear off and you could have a meltdown. i guess there's no point second guessing which it'll be before you get there.

    hope you and A have a lovely night :)

  10. I agree with Pie--perhaps the fact that your Plan B is already started is going to help you a little bit with your grief. I am just so sorry. My heart aches for you.

  11. It's fine that you're doing well. I agree, too...that Plan B has been started and it's helping you cope with the disappointment.

    I'm so sorry. But I'm so glad that you have a special night planned.

  12. I also agree that having your Plan B ready to go is a big help. But yes, you might be in a little bit of denial, and would that be so bad? You deserve a break from the hard stuff, so maybe just let yourself skip the grief this time around? It's worth a try!

  13. It's ok to take it one day at a time and see how you feel. I imagine that Plan B helps give you a focus, which may or may not be sufficient to carry you through.

    Thinking of you and hope you and A have a lovely night together.

  14. Having reading a lot of IVRer blogs, I think your reaction si so normal especially considering that you have a second plan. I don't know how I came by your blog, I read so many IVF blogs, and you seem to be going through what SIF at http://singleinfertilefemale.blogspot.com went through with her her failed cycle in July. She just did an FET and so far seems to be doing good during her wait. I like find fellow Canadian bloggers. I assume you did a donor cycle? I am in the process of being a donor myself. How did you come by yours? Mine IP found me on a forum.

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  16. I don't even know what normal is any more- but I think numb is a very normal thing right now. I am so excited that you are taking a nice romantic night away this weekend. I know our trip after our BFN was critical for us to feel connected and ready to move on.

    You are in my thoughts, R.

    By the way, Do you think you could send AF my way when she is one with you? :)