AF arrived yesterday with a vengeance. I didn't cry at her presence, come to think of it, I didn't even give it a second thought. I wasn't expecting it though. I was caught completely off guard and unprepared. But again, not devastated. I find this weird.
Am I denial? Why do I seem ok right now? I should be hysterical. I should be having difficulty getting out of bed in the morning. I should be wishing time away. I'm not. I think I'm doing ok right now, and this scares me. It's like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Is it possible that I am just so used to disappointment and devastation that it no longer affects me?
I'm sad that this cycle failed and that I have lost the chance to be pregnant. I'm angry as hell at this too. So why do I look and sound ok?
Is it because A. and I are actually on the same page? Or that I am so excited that we are planning a romantic night this weekend to celebrate our shitty luck (I booked a hotel on Pric.eline and a nice/trendy restaurant)? I just don't know how to describe what I am feeling and this is not like me. I think I must be in shock. It's the only thing that would make sense.
Oh shit, it is going to suck when the reality finally sets in. I am not looking forward to that. Maybe I stay in this state of calm oblivion forever. No, I can't. I need to process what is happening, because things are moving along with the GC and I need to get my head in the game. NN should have received her medical records yesterday. Assuming everything is ok, I can book her check-up for the end of this month. Once that step is passed, we can begin the legal work and then start preparing for the FET. On paper things seem to moving forward. I anticipate a Jan/Feb transfer if everything goes according to plan (when does that actually happen - especially with me?). So I need to start processing my feelings for all of this. I just don't know where to start.
Should I be worried that I am not more upset? Is this a normal reaction after everything I have been through in the last four years? Do I need an intervention?
I just don't know anymore. I am numb. Maybe for now it's a good thing.