I'm in this weird place. On the one hand I am hopeful, but on the other, I have been here before and know how badly things can end. I have been awake for hours now and just thinking about the last time I was in this place. Last May I was so filled with hope. I had changed the biggest variable, my eggs and was feeling something going on down there. I have those feelings now. I am overly aware of my uterus right now. I feel the AF-like cramps and tugging and pulling sensations. So far, things are exactly the same as last time. This scares me.
I am trying to be positive, but it is just so difficult. I am scared. When I get out of bed this morning, my official bedrest will be over. I will be out of that stage forever. It's bittersweet. I am ready to move on, one way or another. I need to move on. The thought of analyzing every single twinge for the next seven days sounds like torture right now. The fact that I have twinges to analyze about brings me hope. I just don't know what to think or feel anymore.
No matter what happens, I have no regrets for this cycle. I did everything I could think of to make my chances optimal, and they were...for me. I am proud of my luscious lining and think we transferred two great embryos. On paper, this is a good cycle. Life isn't paper though. At least not mine. It is so difficult to be optimistic when you have experienced more BFNs and loss than one should have to endure.
The last time I was here, on 2dp5dt, I thought about how this would be my last time in Denver. Will that be the case this time? With everything in me I hope so. I just don't know.