I'm in this weird place. On the one hand I am hopeful, but on the other, I have been here before and know how badly things can end. I have been awake for hours now and just thinking about the last time I was in this place. Last May I was so filled with hope. I had changed the biggest variable, my eggs and was feeling something going on down there. I have those feelings now. I am overly aware of my uterus right now. I feel the AF-like cramps and tugging and pulling sensations. So far, things are exactly the same as last time. This scares me.
I am trying to be positive, but it is just so difficult. I am scared. When I get out of bed this morning, my official bedrest will be over. I will be out of that stage forever. It's bittersweet. I am ready to move on, one way or another. I need to move on. The thought of analyzing every single twinge for the next seven days sounds like torture right now. The fact that I have twinges to analyze about brings me hope. I just don't know what to think or feel anymore.
No matter what happens, I have no regrets for this cycle. I did everything I could think of to make my chances optimal, and they were...for me. I am proud of my luscious lining and think we transferred two great embryos. On paper, this is a good cycle. Life isn't paper though. At least not mine. It is so difficult to be optimistic when you have experienced more BFNs and loss than one should have to endure.
The last time I was here, on 2dp5dt, I thought about how this would be my last time in Denver. Will that be the case this time? With everything in me I hope so. I just don't know.
-R.
I know that this is the hardest part when there is nothing more you can do. You are so right about life not being paper, so well said. I am sending positive vibes your way and am here to hold your hand as you wait out the beta. Thinking of you....
ReplyDeleteHang in there! I hope the TWW goes by quickly for you! (HUGS)
ReplyDeleteThe 2WW is so brutal, hope it moves quickly for you and ends with a great (long-term) surprise!
ReplyDeleteThe 2ww sure does leave too much time for all kinds of thoughts to run through your head. I hope it passes quickly and you get the answers that you need. I am so hoping for you this time. And I'm proud of your luscious lining too!
ReplyDeleteOhhhh....I soooo know what you mean...at least with regard to the doubt surrounding this cycle right now. For three days I was and still am VERY hopeful but now today I am filled with more doubt. Hang in there...thats the same advice I am giving myself!!
ReplyDeleteI know how hard it is to be in that cautiously optimistic space. I do think the tugging is a positive sign though, I have felt it every time I've had a bfp. Keeping my fingers crossed for you and your little guys inside :)
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Gosh, reading what your wrote is exactly how I feel. The wait, the what if's, the torture. And it is not just the wait to get pregnant, it is the wait after the first trimester, and won't really hit until there is a live birth. We deserve massive kudos for doing what we do.
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I *totally* understand where you are with this. I've been there. My heart goes out to you- but I am also sending every positive thought I can muster out to you! You are such a strong, brave woman who has been through so much. Thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteWanted to say hello and wish you good luck! Lisainsk sent me to your blog. I guess I'm going through a similar experience to one you had earlier (just found out my younger sister is pregnant). Anyways, looking forward to reading through your journey and seeing your happy news next week!
ReplyDeleteI know I'll be in exactly those shoes next week, assuming we get to our transfer on Sunday.
ReplyDeleteHow about I hope for you and you hope for me? ;)
I never thought of it that way. Oh you dear, hang in there.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you completely. Analyzing every twinge during the 2ww is torture. I'm in the same boat right now. I had 2 thawed blasts transferred 2 days ago. I'm just off bedrest and nothing can keep me distracted from what's going on in my uterus. I'm really hoping I don't hit my five year mark of trying soon, and that this month is lucky for us both. All the best.
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