Friday, November 12, 2010

Beta Day

Last night I had the most beautiful dream. I dreamt that I had never miscarried last summer and it was time to meet my baby. I was woken from my sleep by some stomach cramping and within two short minutes, my baby was out and he was beautiful.

I didn't want to wake up. I don't want this dream to be over. I will never be pregnant. I will never experience the movement or the feeling of a baby inside me.

Walking into my local RE for this mornings test was probably the hardest thing I have had to do in the last four years. I thought I was ok, I thought I was prepared. I was wrong. I'm so profoundly sad that things did not work they way we all hoped and thought they would. The pain of this latest failure will be with me for a long time - probably forever.

I just can't believe that I'm back in this place yet again.

-R.

24 comments:

  1. Just wishin' it was different for you and A. I hope this weekend's conference in Ottawa will buy you a few days of solace so you can start to heal.

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  2. I am sorry your dream isnt real. We all wished for so much more for you.

    Pain like this never goes away. It is true. It becomes a part of you.

    I look back on my life and it still hurts, but it is who I am. I cannot change my story.

    You have all my love today and everyday R.

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  3. Wishing your dream last night was real. Wishing you more strength for whatever the outcome.

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  4. SO sorry for you and sending good thoughts your way.

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  5. ((((((((hugs)))))))))

    It's all I can offer you in this sucky situation. It's just not fair, and I'm sorry.

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  6. My heart just breaks for you.... Much love coming your way.

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  7. This is so unfair R. I am sending you lots and lots of hugs.

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  8. I am so sorry. I wish I had something useful for you, but know that I'm thinking about you, all the way down here in Texas.

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  9. *hug* Those dreams are the cruelest. Sending you love, peace, and strength right now. I'm definitely going to take you up on your offer of emailing you about DE and halacha, but I'll give you your space for right now. Be strong *hug*

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  10. So sorry. My heart aches for you terribly. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Lots of hugs.

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  11. I am so sorry R. There are no words that can help you at this moment. Just know that you are in my thoughts and prayers! ((HUGS))

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  12. I am so sorry R. I hate this for you. I hate that any of us have to endure any of this. Thinking of you!

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  13. oh, R, i wish i was there to sit and talk with you, let you cry and be the friend that you need right now. if i had the time off from work and the money i would be there in a heartbeat.
    things have to get better from here, right?
    xoxo
    lis

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  14. Thinking of you....

    T

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  15. You're in my thoughts. (((HUGS)))

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  16. I am new here will be keeping you in my thoughts prayers.

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  17. i'm so sorry that things didn't turn out the way you'd hoped...or the way you deserved. there isn't anything i can say that will change your pain, but i am thinking of you. *big hugs*

    b

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  18. I am so sorry. I found your blog a week ago and I have been hoping you would have success. I was a few days ahead of you in my donor cycle and I also did not get pregnant. This was our last attempt and I understand what you are going through. Words can't describe your loss.

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  19. i am so sorry. sending thoughts and support your way.

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  20. I'm so late... I don't know what to say. I'm sitting here in my dark kitchen crying for you. This is beyond unfair. I don't know what else to say. I'm sorry.

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  21. We don't know each other but I wanted to say your dream is so profound--I'm also sitting in my kitchen crying for you.

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