Monday, November 29, 2010


Yesterday A. and I met briefly with a new RE. We are actively researching doing another DE IVF locally, or so I thought. Right now, the thought of doing anything just terrifies me.

On the one hand, you can't get hurt if you don't try. I feel like this is the same coping mechanism that my students use. They don't want to look stupid or feel badly if they do poorly so they don't try. Not good in school, but where I'm at currently, doesn't seem like such a bad idea.

On the other hand, not doing anything terrifies me. I can't be stuck in this place for much longer. Something has got to give. One way or another, I need to know my future. Whatever that may be.

I am just sick of fighting this stupid fucking battle that I did not willingly enter. I want off the ride.



  1. Usually a lurker...your post spoke to me and I could have wrote this a few months ago. Just want you to know you are in my thoughts and I hope some day soon, doors open and you can move forward into your future. ((((HUGS))))

  2. My heart sank when I read your post. I feel many of the same feelings. I wish I could just know that this all works out in the end. That we somehow have a child and that it will all be worth it. I don't even need to know how, I just need to know it does work out. I hope you find the courage to move forward. And when you do, can you send some my way?

    You are in my thoughts- I sure wish we weren't in this boat together. Hugs to you, my friend!

  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

  4. I'm so sorry for you. I know the feeling--you just want TO KNOW how things will wind up...I thought I did with the adoption but lately I'm realizing I'm not so sure either. Nothing in this crap journey is guaranteed, ugh. Well, except meeting some awesome ladies like you :) Hang tough.

  5. i agree with Patience. i felt your post more than i read it.
    i wish i could fly to you and make this all better.
    hugs and tissues,

  6. I am so sorry you fidn yourself here, hoping you are off this ride very, very soon.
    love to you.

  7. Big big big hugs R. I want so badly for good things to start happening for you. I know you are beat, you are in pain. But from the few months I've known you, you have this determination that does not die. I know you will figure this out to get the end result you deserve. I hate that you are going through this. Consider giving yourself the holiday season to recharge your batteries. Much love R.

  8. Huge hugs to you first of all! I hope you find the right path for you and A.

  9. I am sorry things still suck. I am also the one who has to keep trying and changing things up to get success. Keep going and the ride will end sooner than staying put. Oh, and you'll need some more tickets to stay on the ride.


  10. I know this feeling all too well! And dealing with clinic here (Canada) for DE can be extremely frustrating. I'm so sorry you find yourself in this place again trying to figure out the next best step. Please know I am thinking of you (even as a lurker) hoping that you find the right solution to get off this IF ride!

  11. Hugs to you. I hope you are off this ride soon!