Thursday, November 18, 2010

It Dropped

The other shoe. I have lost my sense of calm. I was doing well, really well actually. I had a plan in place and I was feeling ok. I got a call from the GC last night. Apparently she began spotting on BCP - she never spots. This.Is.Not.Good. The spotting is consistent and is now being classified as AF. Oh fuck. I call email NN to see if we can get her in early for screening, but since its Thanksgiving there are no spots. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I have to wait another month.

I should be used to the waiting. I should be used to delays. I am so not. I have been crying off and on all day. I even broke down in front of a friend before going to dinner. In four years, I have never lost my cool in front of someone other than immediate family. Never. I tried pleading with NN, but it didn't work. There just are no spots. This can't be happening. I looked at the calendar. The next she will be ready to go for the screening will be Christmas. I am sure the office is going to be closed so this will just further delay me. I just don't know what to do.

I really needed to have this plan in place before my sister gives birth. She's due, January first and now it doesn't look like this is going to happen. Haven't I suffered enough? Why can't one fucking thing just work out the way it is supposed to? I am so ready to just give up.



  1. Oh R, I am so very sorry. Why can't you catch a break?! I hope that she is able to get in with her next cycle. I hate all of this waiting! hugs-

  2. I'm sorry:( This is all so unfair. Please don't give HAS to work out. Thinking of you.

  3. I am sorry that this isn't going well for you. Being new here I don't know who GC is... I assume an egg domor? Is NN a coordinator?

  4. So sorry about this unexpected delay. I know how unsettling it is to have schedules move out from underneath you -- just another crappy reminder that we're not in control.

    I wish there was something I could do for you. Sending you good thoughts and *hugs*.

  5. Is there a wait list? Maybe someone will cancel and then there will be another appointment. You deserve a very big break!!!!


  6. I'm so sorry R...these delays are beyond unfair. I just wish I could hug you IRL.

  7. This setback must seem like a humongous mountain on the heals of everything you've been through, R. It's no wonder it feels like you are loosing it. But isn't it normal to loose it, though? After all that you've been through over the years and recently? I say give it up. Give up trying to hold it together. Let yourself be miserable for a while. Don't worry. It won't be like that forever, but goodness me, you need some time to cry and grieve.

  8. Oh no, I am so very sorry. I can only imagine how this just feels like that last straw. It is totally ok for you to cry, even in front of people. I am like you in that I hate doing that, but sometimes it happens and it is totally ok and understandable.
    I am holding hope that they can fit you in some how (not sure if that feels helpful to you or not).
    thinking of you...

  9. I'm so very sorry you're going through this.... You have every right to be as upset as you need to be. I'll be holding out hope they can get GC's testing done before the holidays so you can get this process started before your sister gives birth.

  10. I am so sorry R. This is beyond unfair. There are no words to make you feel better. I just hope that you can find some peace and take care of yourself over the next few months. You really will get there. Really.
    Huge hugs.

  11. I am sorry to see you here. Knowing it is coming doesn't make it any easier and it doesn't make it end any faster. I wonder if some ways it might make it hurt a little more. "Oh. Here is that searing pain that I knew would find me."

    Setback are hurtful. They rip off any little progress towards healing we have made. I am sorry for this bad news. Busy schedule. Holiday. All of it coming together to get in your way.

    I am feeling low myself. I feel like a fucking fool. I put up a post when I am on top of it all, and now some people might actually think I have my shit together.

    Suckers. I am a fraud. Unintentional, but still a fraud.

    May I keep you company down here?

    I don't mean to put us on even near the same level of pain, but you are certainly never alone.

  12. I am so very sorry, R. So hoping that something will work out so that you can make this happen before January 1st. My heart just hurts for you in light of all these setbacks and disappointments--you deserve so much more. Thinking of you.

  13. Ugh, this is so unfair! Nothing I can say is going to lessen your pain, but just wanted to tell you that I am so sorry you have to keep waiting and dealing with this nonsense. Your time has to come soon.