This morning's test showed the same BFN. Thank you for your comments from yesterday, but I really feel at this point that it is over. Most of you have known me long enough to realize that I am not one of those people. You know the ones, from Science class. The ones who cried after the exam and swore they failed only to find out a few days later that they got one of the highest marks in the class. I hate those people.
This just plain sucks. I must admit that I am a little surprised it didn't work. I eliminated every obstacle (my eggs, thin lining...) and still, to come up with a negative just sucks. A. still thinks its too early. It is early, but I know how I feel and I honestly just don't think I will ever experience any part of my family planning process.
They say that every pregnancy is different, unique and not to compare, but we all do it. We compare to past cycles and other people. We feel upset when someone gets a positive at 5dp5dt or when we did last time. Last time, I just knew. You know how some talk about that bullshit, you just know. It's true. Last time, I wasn't scared at all to POAS, because I knew how it would turn out. Now, I just have sadness. I know this too. I know this cycle didn't work. I know, I will never have a genetically related child OR experience pregnancy. I know that most of you have found success and I am happy for you, but for the >4 of us that haven't, you have absolutely no idea how much pain there is.
I would love nothing more than to eat my words tomorrow and announce the viewing of a second line, but I don't think its going to happen. I need to start really preparing myself for my future. I need to find a way to be ok with the shitty hand life has dealt me. Yes, I have many things to be thankful for (an amazing husband, supportive and loving family, great job, house...) but knowing the one thing that makes you a woman is broken is something really hard to get over. If it was just my eggs, ok I would deal. I did, I went the donor route and to be honest, since I 'said goodbye' to Ms. Perfect all those months ago, I haven't looked back. If it was just my uterus, I could deal as well. But both? Come the fuck on, I'm only 31 years old. This just isn't how it was supposed to be.
Once again my body has betrayed me. Once again I have let myself and A. down. Once again we have wasted tens of thousands of dollars at a stupid what if. Once again I am just devastated.