This morning's test showed the same BFN. Thank you for your comments from yesterday, but I really feel at this point that it is over. Most of you have known me long enough to realize that I am not one of those people. You know the ones, from Science class. The ones who cried after the exam and swore they failed only to find out a few days later that they got one of the highest marks in the class. I hate those people.
This just plain sucks. I must admit that I am a little surprised it didn't work. I eliminated every obstacle (my eggs, thin lining...) and still, to come up with a negative just sucks. A. still thinks its too early. It is early, but I know how I feel and I honestly just don't think I will ever experience any part of my family planning process.
They say that every pregnancy is different, unique and not to compare, but we all do it. We compare to past cycles and other people. We feel upset when someone gets a positive at 5dp5dt or when we did last time. Last time, I just knew. You know how some talk about that bullshit, you just know. It's true. Last time, I wasn't scared at all to POAS, because I knew how it would turn out. Now, I just have sadness. I know this too. I know this cycle didn't work. I know, I will never have a genetically related child OR experience pregnancy. I know that most of you have found success and I am happy for you, but for the >4 of us that haven't, you have absolutely no idea how much pain there is.
I would love nothing more than to eat my words tomorrow and announce the viewing of a second line, but I don't think its going to happen. I need to start really preparing myself for my future. I need to find a way to be ok with the shitty hand life has dealt me. Yes, I have many things to be thankful for (an amazing husband, supportive and loving family, great job, house...) but knowing the one thing that makes you a woman is broken is something really hard to get over. If it was just my eggs, ok I would deal. I did, I went the donor route and to be honest, since I 'said goodbye' to Ms. Perfect all those months ago, I haven't looked back. If it was just my uterus, I could deal as well. But both? Come the fuck on, I'm only 31 years old. This just isn't how it was supposed to be.
Once again my body has betrayed me. Once again I have let myself and A. down. Once again we have wasted tens of thousands of dollars at a stupid what if. Once again I am just devastated.
-R.
Sending you some big hugs right now. My heart is breaking for you and the pain you are in this morning. I will hold out some hope that you will be surprised tomorrow. As someone in that >4 group, I am going to hope like heck that you get the "ticket" out of our tiny little group. Please be good to yourself today and know that you are not alone. Thinking of you today, R.
ReplyDeleteHey R...you are entitled to feel whatever you want to feel and not make any excuses. No one has ever walked a mile in your shoes. If it were the pain olympics, you'd be on the podium. Feel whatever you need to feel to get you through this agonizing next few days. If slowly realizing the fate of a GC is what you need to do by POAS twice a day, then so be it. And I'll be here to cheer you along every milestone and pick you up when you're delivered another blow. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI have no words other than to say I'm so sorry. I would love to see an OMG post from you tomorrow but if that doesn't happen, I wish that this is the very last blow in your journey to motherhood and am so sorry that you have had to take so many thus far xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteI am so very sorry you are going through this and feeling so betrayed by your body and, I imagine, by life in general.
ReplyDeleteI so hope you are eating your words in a few days, but know that we are here to support you either way.
Sending love your way.
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ReplyDeleteHugs for you today.
ReplyDeleteR., I am so so sorry that things aren't looking good. Completely sucks to feel that you've done EVERYTHING right and still somehow this eludes you. I will quietly remind you that I tested negative at 6dp5dt, not testing any whiff of positive until 7dp5dt. and even then, it was not really a visible line. And we just saw a heartbeat yesterday. So there is hope still. But I know also how important it is to prepare yourself or a negative outcome (exactly what we were doing by this point after our transfer). With you. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteMo
I am so sorry R.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you are facing this loss. You are so young, I can imagine how it makes it hurt that much more. I am so very sorry.
I haven't given up hope for you as I am just wired that way. I sure hope you can take some comfort in Mo's experience.
Nothing to say. I'm so, so sorry. (hugs)
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry... just so sorry... it's just not fair that anyone has to go through this.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry to hear that you are in so much pain and that you have already written this off. But I can understand why very well. Nothing has worked before, why would this work. That's how you are programmed. That is what IF has done to you.
ReplyDeleteNevertheless, you are testing very early by the sounds of it and you can't know yet whether this was successful or not. It's ok to decide that it isn't in order to protect your heart. But I hope you keep an open mind.
My thoughts are with you, R. I really hope some good news is coming your way in the next few days.
I am so sorry. The pain & disappointment is unbearable. Take care of you, as much as you can.
ReplyDelete*hugs*
R... I am going to be thinking of you. This is an especially difficult time but I am going to still hold out hope for you. There is a chance that things might still be ok. I know that is hard to believe at this point. This is soo not fair!! ((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteI am so, so sorry. Huge (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteLots of hugs. still holding out hope that it's just too early.
ReplyDeleteI'm really really sorry.
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth I do know how it feels to not have a genetic child or experience pregnancy. It's awful and it's painful in ways no one ever really gets and most people assume because we're adopting that we're over it but it still hurts. Wishing it wasn't the way it is...sending you big hugs.
Thinking of you. I'm really sorry that you're going through this. I'm going to hold out hope for you.
ReplyDeleteYou know I am thinking of you. I am really impressed by most of the comments above. You are very lucky that you have a Plan B, even though that is not the option that you desire. You will be able to be a "mother" eventually. It just sucks with the amount of time, stress, uncertainty, and deviation from how we originally though it would be. It is easy to be upset in such a scary and unfair situation, but it is nice to know you have so much support. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteT
I'm so very sorry you're going through this, it's just not fair! I'm still holding out hope that it's still a bit early (especially after following Mo the last couple of weeks) but I understand having to resign yourself. Lots of love coming your way!
ReplyDeleteUgh. I am so sorry R. If it is ok with you, I'm going to keep holding out hope for you, even as you start to move on to the next step in your head.
ReplyDeleteHUGS!