It's true. I have become selfish and self obsessed with my infertility. I relied on friends to talk me off the ledge, but do I do the same?
Two situations happened to me today that have helped me come to this conclusion:
1) A very dear friend of mine has two beautiful daughters. Last April (IVF #3) when I was still sharing my journey with a select group of friends I found out I was FINALLY pregnant. I was thrilled, obviously. I had dreamed about the moment of telling friends and family our news and for once being the pregnant one. As this friend knew when Beta day was, I did not keep her in the dark about our amazing news. After she congratulated me, she dropped her bomb, she was pregnant too. Seriously! She couldn't give me just one day of being the pregnant girl? I pretended that I was not hurt and feeling overshadowed and we enjoyed the day of being two pregnant best friends. She started feeling as if something didn't feel right with her pregnancy and it was my job to reassure her. She started spotting and went home to rest. I went to her house and brought her fun snacks, magazines and movies to distract her while she was at home resting. That's when I got the call. Our second beta dropped and just like that I was no longer pregnant. I was pregnant for two days. Obviously, I left her house shaken, in shock and totally devastated. She called me two days later after she had emergency surgery as her pregnancy was ectopic. She wanted to bond over this, and I wanted to grieve in piece, however I felt I couldn't. I felt I needed to be there for her as she was fragile. This was difficult.
Fast forward six months and she is pregnant again (around the time of FET #1, BFN) and again it is not looking good. She continues to get monitored as her betas are increasing, but not at the rate the drs want to see. This goes on for two months and in this time, she is telling me how unfair this is and how no one can get what WE go through. Excuse me, when did she and I become a WE! Last time I checked, she had two children and I had none. I again tried to pull away, however again I felt sucked in and felt bad. As she was contemplating what her options were (either surgery to remove her blocked tube or the shot to end the pregnancy) I was secretly hoping for the shot. Why? Not because this was what was best for my friend, it was because you can't conceive for three months after the shot. I was selfish, I know, but I didn't care. I needed to know I had the security blanket of three months without an announcement. It turns out she had the shot and needed the surgery as well. Again, she cried to me about how unfair it is and how the decision for whether or not her family grows was taken away from her. Again, WTF! Seriously, this decision was taken away from me before I even started. I explained to her that she could always try IVF and our government funds IVF for people with no tubes. She wasn't thrilled with my suggestion. Luckily, they only removed one tube and she has good chances of conceiving naturally.
Fast forward to present day. It has now been three months since her shot and she had an "oops" with her husband. Today she found out, she is not pregnant. I was happy. I am a horrible person.
2) I am literally on the phone with a friend who is telling me that she is pregnant with her 5th child! All natural. Again, I'm a horrible person.
What has this infertility done to me? I have become a petty person who is selfish and unable to be thankful for what I have. Sometimes, especially today, I HATE myself. I hate that I can't be the friend to my friends that they are to me. I am a horrible person.