In today's New York Times, there is an article that unfortunately I can relate to. The author, is a thirty one year old who has just found she is in Premature Ovarian Failure (POF) and unable to have children. This is so familiar. Although, I have never been formally diagnosed with POF, I have many of the common symptoms. Reading this woman referring to her hot flashes and wanting to "put her cheek up to the germ window on the subway" is something that I remember well. In fact, there have been many cold winter days where I do not need a jacket because my body feels like an internal oven. There is one difference between the two of us, she has a diagnosis for why she is POF, she has Turner's Syndrome.
When I was still in my investigating phase of my infertility, I made myself get tested for literally every condition. I would spend hours researching and obsessing over all of the possible things that could be wrong with me. I thought I had a pituitary tumor, Fragile X and Turner's Syndrome as I had elements (or thought I did) of each of these. Turner's Syndrome was the one that I was sure I had. Why? Because I am short and it occurs in short women. I am 4"11 on a good day and do not ovulate on my own. My antral follicle count is very low and so are my hormone levels. But alas, I do not have this. I know I should be happy about this and I am, but sometimes I wish I had something/anything that would explain the why me?!
I would probably end on the same path regardless using Ms. Perfect with or without having Turner's Syndrome or something else, but at least I would be able to understand why me, a thirty year old otherwise healthy woman would be infertile.
-R.
It's so hard when they don't have an answer. It's hard not to know what to wish for either.
ReplyDeleteI read your post below about money and I really admire your attitude--you're right, where there is a will there is a way, even with the astronomical expenses of IF.
One of my friends IRL just wrote a post about how she wants baby number three (well, she's not sure, two or three...oh to have that choice!) and someone in her comments suggested adoption since she already has two biological kids. She wrote back that it is just way to expensive vs. just having one of her own. But like you said, in my opinion, it's all about readjusting your priorities.
Hang in there.
I thought the same thing as you - we started TTC when I was 29 years old and to this day, we still don't have an official "diagnosis." I remember wishing that we could have, just like you said, something/anything so at least we could fix it if possible. It's hard to know what to fix when nothing seems to be wrong and that's the hardest thing about not knowing "why".
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