It was just one year ago today that I passed on the opportunity to join A. and his family at a birthday party for his cousin's one year old. Why? Because I had to get my Gonal-F shot and at the time, I wouldn't let anyone except my father (who is an MD) give me the needles. So I stayed home and waited for the dreaded needle and when the cycle was over...not pregnant.
Today is the cousin's daughter's second birthday and I am still...not pregnant.
What has changed over this past year? Not much really. I now let A. give me needles (even though I do not want to), I no longer take the Gonal-F as we have moved on to donor eggs and I have been to Denver, Colorado three times. Nothing else has changed.
Hopefully at the third birthday, I will be in a better place than today.
-R.
I remember that was one of the constant feelings I had - that time was standing still for me and that everyone else got to carry on with life and it was rushing all around me yet me and my DH were just standing still. We didn't know what to do, what decisions to make...we were paralyzed. Don't be so hard on yourself - you need to make decisions that will preserve your mental sanity and if that means saying no to a gathering, than you should say no and not feel guilty about it. I also learned through therapy that I also didn't need to justify anything to anyone. I spent a lot of time and energy thinking about plausible excuses why we couldn't go to a function and in the end, it was simpler to just say that I/we couldn't make it and end of story. You are going through a lot so remember to cut yourself some slack okay? Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteHey, the commenting works for those of us without blogs - yay!
ReplyDeleteIt's Cassie, from the boards...
I so know where you are right now - another year gone by and nothing has changed. It sounds like you and I have both been having a crappy weekend. I'm still feeling pretty numb today and did lots of crying yesterday. I need to get myself in a place where I can accept the possibility of moving to DE myself - I admire your strength for making that choice and am so sorry that you got burned by it at first. I am very sure that you will be able to go to that third birthday party next year! Hugs!
I was just going to write a post about this very thing. Time passing while we stand still just sucks. And you've been dealt some double blows lately...I, too, admire your strength for moving to donor eggs and I really hope that next year you'll be attending that party with a big giant baby bump!
ReplyDeleteHang in there.
ashleypenelope from IVFC
Thank you all for the incredible support you have shown me so far. I am so lucky to have this outlet and you all as inspiration to help me continue on this journey. I wish you all strength as we all continue to achieve our dreams.
ReplyDelete"This year will be better than the last..."
ReplyDelete