Surviving Through the Day

Surviving, when you have be beaten down is not an easy thing to do. I went to sleep last night devastated and I woke up the same way. It was if time had stopped. I thought about moving on with Ms. Perfect, but wondered how. How could I trust that this wouldn't happen again? I can't. I just have to believe in the process and believe in myself that I can get through whatever happens.

I decided today was a day about me. I went and did one of my favourite things, I got a mani/pedi. Sitting in the chair I usually allow myself to dream and enjoy, but today I just enjoyed. I chose a colour out of my comfort zone, I think they call it "f*%k me red" and am wearing it proudly. (It should be noted that in Judaism, along with Kabbalah and other religions, red is seen as a colour to ward off evil). After the physical pampering, I realized that being at home, would make me obsess (and begin the crying fiasco) so I made a lunch date with a very good girlfriend. She and I met at sleepover summer came almost 20 years ago and we have grown up together. We have travelled the world and experienced many ups and downs in both of our personal lives. I should also mention that she has no children as of yet, so as always it is a child-free zone with her. We decided to really treat ourselves and so we went to the cafe housed in the nicest department store. We indulged on delicious food and I was able to forget for just a moment about the journey. (I should mention that although this friend is aware of our fertility struggles, she does not know about our decision to go the egg donor route.)

When lunch was over, it was on to retail therapy. I am not sure why buying a new pair of shoes (or a blazer in my case) makes us feel special or better, but it does...at least for me. So now I am finally home from my 'all about me day', and it is like it never happened. I am instantly reminded of where I was sitting when I got the dreaded call from the nurse, and those same feelings came rushing back. I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry. I DID NOT cry. Progress. The day must of helped me in ways I didn't realize.

Tonight A. and I are heading to the second wedding of his best friend since early childhood. I am thinking of the positives: 1) I will drink many alcoholic beverages that I otherwise would not be able to do, any suggestions? 2) I will savour every chocolate dessert served as I have been abstaining from it for over two months in order to have better blood flow. 3) I will try and forget about this struggle for the night and enjoy myself.

Today, like yesterday was hard. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

-R.