Today was a difficult day. I had just been informed that my donor who was scheduled to start her medications in two days, just "flaked out" as they put it. To say that I am devastated is an understatement. I am crushed, numb and overall upset. After hysterically crying my eyes out and screaming into the air for anyone that would listen, I realized that life moves on and she was not meant to be the answer to our prayers.
Fast forward two hours; a new donor has been selected...yes that's right, two hours! The process of choosing a donor is unnatural and at times comical. In one respect it was similar to registering for china patterns. The first time we went to the china warehouse as we called it, we were overwhelmed and dazzled by the different settings and all of the accessory pieces that follow. The second time we went, A. choose his top favourites, I chose mine and then we thought about them. Could we see them on our table? What meal were we eating? How did our table look with the dishes? You get the idea, right? The third and final time we went, A. said to me, "who cares its only plates!" So we chose. You get them home and you are ecstatic, because in the end he is right, they are only plates.
Now, choosing a donor in some respects is a similar experience. The first time you log onto the donor site, you feel overwhelmed. Reading the twenty plus pages on family history, heath history and of course their looks, is difficult. Not many women (especially me) thought they would be shopping for an egg at 29 years old. The second time we searched the site we felt a bit more comfortable. A. and I came up with a list of "must haves" for the donor as well as "deal breakers". We searched for what seemed like an eternity, until we finally came across 'the one'. We were scared, nervous and excited at the same time. We wanted to think about it for the night because this is quite possibly the most important decision we will ever make. If any of you are in this process you know where I'm heading with this...in the morning when we were ready to accept, we log on and see IN CYLCE, those dreaded words. We feel beaten and upset. Why didn't we jump on her? We needed this experience to help guide us through the challenging world of choosing an egg donor. So again, we got back on the horse, read through many profiles and when we found Ms. Right, we accepted, only we now know she is Ms. Flake instead!
Seeing as we have done this a few times already, and we already actively involved in our upcoming donor cycle, A. and I knew exactly what we were looking for in our perfect donor. Again, I got back on the horse, read through countless profiles, called the nurses for further clarification and after a strong recommendation from our clinic, we accepted our new and final donor (hopefully)! R. and A. meet Ms. Perfect!
Even though I am devastated about losing our first donor, I feel hopeful. I feel hopeful that we made the right choice, I feel hopeful that I will survive this obstacle and I feel hopeful that egg donation will be the answer to our fertility struggle.