Monday, January 25, 2010

On Being a Cynic

On the final taping of his Tonight Show, Conan O'Brian made a plea to the world, specifically the 'younger generation' to not be cynical. Conan has obviously not experienced infertility.

I never would have thought of myself as a cynic. I prided myself on looking at the glass half-full, however the past three years have changed me. I am now a cynic. I have cynical thoughts running through my head daily. I see a pregnant teenager and negative thoughts magically appear in my head. I think, "why her and not me?". I see an older lady who is pregnant and I instantly think how unfair it is. I think about the Duggars and their many many children and I get enraged. Yes, I am cynical.

Now, I do not think that Conan was talking about this. In fact, I am sure he was referring to his professional situation with NBC, however it did make me realize how I have started seeing the world. I look at life with pregnancy blinders on. All I see are bellies, babies and bugaboos. I just want to join that group already. Will it ever be my turn? I often think of myself as a good person: I work with children with Learning Disabilities, I volunteer my time, I am good wife, daughter, sister and friend, but yet I think, maybe I need to do more so that I can be rewarded with the gift I so desperately want. But what?

It is so hard to not be cynical when the world seems to pass you by while others are enjoying the ride. I HATE that my infertility has turned me into this person. I am trying to think positively. I am trying to pick myself up off the floor each and every day, however, it is very difficult. I am cynical, but I am trying to change.



  1. I remember feeling bitter/cynical all the time and I was so angry at the world. It's part of IF - I don't know how you can not have those feelings. I remember at the lowest point of my cynicism I would actually glare and glare hard at pregnant women and women with babies...totally jealous of course and wondering too when it would be, if would ever be, my turn.

  2. I miss Conan, dont you?

    I am snooping around learning your history that influenced this nutty antihistamine protocol.