90210

Spolier alert

This season on 90210 they are introducing a donor egg storyline. Whoa, I did not see that one coming. I thought that watching some brainless TV would take my mind of my crying, but no. I took an Ativan at 1pm. I slept until 6pm. Now I am in a fog, dreading tomorrow. Thanks for the support.

-R.

No Decision Yet

I just got off the phone with Sch.oolcraft. I think this was our shortest conversation to date and unfortunately, I have had many. He is of the opinion that the triple pattern is more important than the thickness of the lining. Crap. He is fine with me transferring like this, but my chance for success is around 40%. No fucking way. I did not go to donor eggs for 40%. He said that he has seen cases where one day it is triple and the next it is not and then it is again...he also has said a few times that he does not think my lab is the most accurate and doesn't 100% trust their findings. Crap. As well, he told me that he didn't think it was possible for the huge difference in ultrasound measuring yesterday and not to worry about that. He also reminded me that my lining and uterus are shit and he doesn't have a lot of hope for them anyway so really, it is up to me what I want to do.

Here is the plan:
- Go for one ultrasound tomorrow morning. If the pattern is there, I will go ahead with the transfer. If not, I am going to cancel.

- I can begin prepping my lining with my next period and go from there. We made add Lupron to keep me suppressed, but I am not sure. We are also going to monitor me extremely closely and not make any calendar plans. Once my lining reaches around 6.5 with a triple pattern I will begin taking progesterone and transfer six days later.

I really need something to work out for me right now as I am not coping at all. I just can't take this anymore. FUUUUUUUUUUCK!

-R.

Too Upset to Type - UPDATE

- Today was my first time at my local RE's new office, I have seen her in 3 locations. FML.
- My lining check came back awesome at 6.8, but no triple pattern. FML.
- I went for a repeat ultrasound at a different clinic and indeed, there is no pattern, BUT, my lining measured at 6.0. FML.
- I am waiting for NN to call and cancel me. FML.

-R.

UPDATE: I finally got a hold of NN early evening and now I am so conflicted. She said the Dr was not concerned about the homogenous lining and if I am comfortable transferring at 6.8 then he is too. She said that estrogen can cause the change in the uterus and that it is not a problem. I told her about my second ultrasound and she said that more likely than not it was done incorrectly. She told me that it was not possible that my lining decreased as compacting does not happen that fast. Ironically, I am glad that I still have my appointment to speak with the Dr tomorrow and hopefully will understand the situation better and decide what to do. I have decided that this will definitely be my last attempt with my uterus as I am just completely worn out and stressed out from all this shit and I need to move on one way or another.

Booked

I decided to take the plunge and book the flights. I am happy with my lining and hopefully tomorrow when I have my last check it will have increased a bit, but if not that's fine too. I just pray that it has not compacted. I really need this to go my way. Please please please.

-R.

To Fly Or Not To Fly...

It took forever for NN to respond to my email, and now I am feeling more torn than before. Is it me, or is the email a bit cryptic in the sense that I can't figure out what to do.


Yes, he said if you are OK with the lining, then he is too. He would
probably recommend waiting but since this is equal to your best, he is
OK doing the transfer. Let's make sure it is still good on Wednesday.
I don't anticipate there will be a problem but want to be absolutely
certain. Let's keep the regroup scheduled and if you don't need to talk
to him, we can cancel it. Easier to cancel than add on...


So I ask you my wise friends, would you book a flight?

-R.

Support

Today A. told me how proud he was of me for not giving up. He told me that he admired my strength and admitted that many people would not have been able to keep going. This was the sweetest thing he has said to me IF related since we started our journey. It was unprompted, but totally appreciated. Of course, my friends Estrace and Vivelle, made it impossible for me to respond because of the sobs, but I think he knew how much this meant to me.

-R.

So F'ing Frustrated

Remember that cool and calm R from a few posts ago? She has left the building and little miss frustrated has replaced her. I am seriously quite stressed at the moment and the additional estrogen pumping throughout my body is not helping the situation. I feel like crying or screaming or both. I am just plain fed up.

I have been replaying my conversation with NN in my head all day. I really just don't get what a regroup will do. Back in May, I had a 45 minute conversation with the dr about my thin lining and his take on the situation. He told me in plain English that he thinks this is the best I am going to get and to transfer and hope for the best. He and the head sonographer explained that there are two components to a lining the thickness and the pattern. Ideally, you want to have it above 8 and a triple stripe, but they both believe that the pattern is more important the thickness. Ok, I have the pattern, score one for R. I am not looking for a miracle in regards to my lining, I am realistic and I am happy with my 6.6. I have emailed NN to get her take on the situation....again.

Here is what I wrote her:

Hi NN,

Would it be possible to show Dr Schoolcraft my latest results on Monday when he is back to get his thoughts on if I can transfer or not? It is not that I don't want to regroup with him, or don't trust your judgement, it is just that I had a long conversation with him in May about my lining and the pros and cons of transferring with a 6.5 and he (and I) was confident that that was the best I was going to get so I am not sure what is different this time around.

Also, I have started teaching at a new school this year and I need to inform them of my absence by Tuesday as we are closed for the rest of the week and then I would be leaving. As well, my sister in law is getting married and I have a commitment that I need to be home for and the flights are filling up as it is a long weekend in Canada. So as you can see, I have a lot of things on my mind and the high dose of Estrace is not helping my mood these days :).

Of course, I want to do whatever you and the dr feel will be best, but I am happy with my lining and would like to proceed with the transfer as scheduled. I would cancel if I thought that trying a different protocol would yield better results, but I know this to be untrue from my past attempts.

I am happy to keep my regroup appointment for Thursday if you think that there is new information that I need to consider, but again, I am happy with my 6.6 (and hopefully a bit higher by Friday when I would start the Endometrium).

Please let me know what you think about this plan.

Thanks,
R

I am just so fucking sick of all this waiting around and regrouping. I just need to get this transfer over with so I can move on one way or another. (Hopefully pregnant, but if not I will start actively looking for a GC.)

Thanks for listening to my vent. I will try and get back to my happy place once this issue is resolved.
-R.

My Middle Name

Waiting.

I spoke with NN today and she wants me to get rechecked on Wednesday, and regroup with the dr on Thursday. Huh? Call me crazy, but I am happy with my 6.6mm lining, it is already better than last time and I still have eight days until the progesterone starts. At this point, I am not expecting a miracle.

So the wait continues to figure out if I make it to transfer on the 6th. This is so frustrating. I wish I could just be a simple patient for once. But I guess, what fun would that be?

-R.

Sad

I'm not cancelled. My lining is still thin at 6.6mm, but I still have some time. My LH has also decreased and my progesterone remained the same at 1.3 (not sure where it is supposed to be, but its good) so overall things are progressing. Yay. NN was out of the office today so I expect a call tomorrow to decide whether we delay by a few days or proceed for the 6th, I'm thinking we will just go ahead as planned, but I don't call the shots.

This morning while I was getting my blood drawn there was another woman doing the same. She looked low, sad. I overheard the medication name and knew she had experienced a miscarriage. Tears began welling up in her eyes and I found myself right back in that place I was this summer. I told the woman, that it does get easier and she gave me a look. This summer many of you comforted me in my many hours/days/weeks of despair and I'll be honest, I thought it was a load of crap. I mean I had just lot my pregnancy, I couldn't think about the future. But you were right. It did get easier. we ended up walking out to the parking lot together and I told her how I miscarried this summer and how sorry I was. I hope I made her feel a bit better.

Those feelings were brought back today like no time has passed. SJ told me that I have symptoms of post traumatic stress from the miscarriage, the weddings and all the babies/pregnancies (especially my sisters). I think I do job of hiding my feelings, but today I was overwhelmed. There is a lot riding on this cycle and I need it to work.

I'm ok. I'm surviving. I'm fighting for a pregnancy with everything in me.

-R.

Getting Some Courage

I need to definitively know what is happening with my body. I decided to move my check up by a day. I am going tomorrow and I am praying that my lining will have increased and my progesterone is where it needs to be. Please don't let me have ovulated. Please please please with a cherry on top.

-R.

So Busy

One of my coping mechanisms for dealing with IF is to keep busy. It helps to have a place to go when the despair hits, but I think I may be stretching myself too thin these days. On top of my new job, which comes with a lot of added responsibility and work, I have acupuncture twice a week (hopefully only until the transfer), my appointment with SJ once a week and the latest is my new course once a week. I am getting tired just thinking about all this, but excited too.

I am tired of putting my life on hold because I am not pregnant. I have been scared to take risks, but I am now at a place where I can see beyond IF. I am not giving up. I will be a mother. But, I recognize that I need to move to forward. Putting the pieces of my broken my life back together is going to be rough, but I am committed to having a better year than the last one. Last year was the worst year in my entire life, and I hit rock bottom...more than once; I just can't do that again. I won't do that again. Even if I get cancelled on Friday or get a BFN, I know that nothing will hurt more than the miscarriage this summer. Every now and then I remember the feeling or think about how far along I would have been (20 weeks and getting ready to find out the sex) and then I remember.

I will nto be a victim anymore. It is time for me. I am going to take care of myself and work to heal my broken heart...I just hope I get pregnant so that this will be a bit easier.

-R.

Estrogen Effects

I think the estrogen is getting to me. My emotions are running all over the place and I feel a bit out of control. Friday can't come soon enough, and yet I want it to stay away. In my head I know I will be ok if I get cancelled...again, but I just don't know if my heart can take any more bad news.

-R.

A. has always been my rock through all this. He is the optimistic one, who desperately believes that this will work somehow (this also drives me crazy at times). He is the one I rely on to keep me grounded when my head goes to those places. Since the miscarriage, it almost seems as if our roles have reversed.

This year, A. was resistant to go to synagogue. He didn't really see the point and just wasn't into it. Neither him nor I are overly religious, but we are both quite traditional and for me to see the pain in his eyes as he talked about the holidays was heartbreaking. I can't help but feel like his life would be easier without me. All of our fertility problems are because of me. I am the lucky one with the shitty eggs and crappy uterus, while A. is Mr. Sperm. Seriously. He could probably look at you and you would get pregnant (well maybe not you, because if you're reading we probably have similar issues, but you get the idea LOL).

I feel like I have broken his beautiful spirit. I don't see the optimist in him anymore. He is hardened and devastated and it breaks my heart. How can I have caused him so much pain? He doesn't deserve this, I don't deserve this. We don't deserve this.

Telling A. about my latest possible delay, was almost comical. It has gotten to the point where we expect delays. I wish it were as easy as waiting for AF to show, but with my luck it never is. I just can't take the heartache anymore. More and more I am getting ready to wind down this IF journey. I am still 100% committed to this FET no matter when it happens (please let it be Oct. 6), but then I think it may be time for someone else to take over and help us get to the finish line. In the end, we want to be parents and it won't matter how we got there.

-R.

Lining Check 1 UPDATED

Today's check showed a lining of 6.3! I'm happy with that. I will update once I hear from NN.

-R.

UPDATE: My results showed a lining of 6.4mm, but an LH of 28. This means that I am getting ready to ovulate. Since I don't ovulate on my own and the only measurable follicle was 0.9, this is not likely. None the less, we need to run this by the doctor and see what he says. I am hoping that he will allow me to continue and get rechecked on Friday as per my calendar. As long as my body isn't producing progesterone, this LH number will not be a problem. UGH. Why can't anything go my way, just once?

***

Tonight beings Yom Kippur, the holiest day in the Jewish tradition. It is the Day of Repentance. On Rosh Hashahna we begin the new year and on Yom Kippur we repent for our sins. We mark the day by fasting from sundown to sundown as well as spending the day in synagogue. Tonight's service is my favourite service of the year, Kol Neidrei. It is just beautiful and meaningful to me. To those who fast, Gmar Chatima Tova, let us all be written in the book of life.

Emotions

I feel:

nervous
anxious
excited
nervous
scared shitless
sad
nervous
happy
frustrated
did I mention nervous?

Is it tomorrow yet?

-R.

Ok Universe

You know you are in trouble when your acupuncturist goes on vacation and brings you back a gift! LOL. Maybe not. I need to be done with all of this. Every night of the workweek is filled up with appointments from now until after the transfer. It is almost like I don't know which way I am coming or going.

She said something to me while I was on the table today and it has stuck with me. She told me to put what I want out to the universe and then let it go, don't obsess over it. I am going to try that. Friday is my suppression check, I am scared to see how thin my lining will be, but I am not going to obsess over it. I would like it to be over 6mm. There I said it and now I will leave it. Let's see how this works.

-R.

This is Really Happening

The sticky residue on my stomach is my reminder that in twenty two days I'm going to do my FET. I am 99% sure that this will be my last shot with my uterus and I am trying not to let this take over my thoughts, but it is really hard. I want to be a mother and I will be a mother, but I would like to be a part of the process.

It's one thing to use donor eggs, or a gestational carrier, but it is a completely different thing to use both. I know that if this is the path I need to take, I will eventually be on board, but I am in a scary place right now. I want so much for this FET to work, and I am making some good protocol adjustments, but the worry is still there.

I need to believe that things will work out, but that is hard to do when nothing ever does. I don't have a good track record or even a reason why things failed last time. They suspect it is me, but without testing we just don't know. That scares the shit out of me. Last night I started listening to my hypnosis cd again, and tomorrow I am going back to acupuncutre. I am hoping that these routine things help get me focused and prepared for the next three weeks.

-R.

Jumping on the Bandwagon

I am going to add the antihistamine protocol for my FET. It involves taking Claritin, Pepcid and Prednisone starting a few days before the transfer and then continuing it through the first weeks of pregnancy (if I am so luck to get pregnant). My mom explained to me the protocol, basically the high dose steroid is to break down the immune system so that the body cannot fight the embryo away and then the Pepcid and Claritin work together. I don't know all the scientific information about it and quite frankly I am too tired to care, but it is supposed to help in cases where there was a previous early miscarriage. So check.

I am not sure how many patients are currently on this protocol, but I suspect it is being used more frequently now. I am hopeful that between the different lining protocol and this new one, I will have covered my basis and this time will be different.

Oh please let it be different.

-R.

Soup

Since Friday, soup is all that I seem to want to eat...specially split pea. Anyone have any good vegetarian soup recipes?

Thanks.

-R.

New Purchases

Yesterday afternoon I had a blast shopping at B.ed Ba.th and Be.yond. We only got this store in Canada within the last couple of years so it is still a novelty for me to go in there. (We just got Vic.toria's Sec.ret last month!) I get the flyer in the mail and I happened to come across something that I thought would be beneficial for me.



I have mentioned before that I am addicted to my computer which is a laptop. It is always on my lap and I feel like it can't be best thing for my belly. Also, it is good because it so multi-purposeful and can be used as a dinner tray when on bedrest or vegging out in front of the TV (something else that I am addicted to). Seriously though this thing is awesome. It has a cup holder, built in mouse pad, cooling fan, LED light and usb ports. I am in love with it.

I also bought this.



It's a head scratcher. So amazing and only $4.99. How could I not?

-R.

Confirmation

I knew I wasn't crazy...I went today to my local RE to get an ultrasound and blood work. My old nurse told me to wait it out another week, but I know my body and know what my period feels like and I was right (so suck it old nurse). The results showed that I did indeed get a period. I immediately called my new nurse, lets call her NN (nice nurse) to get the ball rolling. Within hours I got a calendar, organized meds and began the FET prep.

We are all set for Oct. 6th, just under four weeks away. I would have liked to have a bit more time to build my lining, but this was the last spot available for October (I literally had to beg for it). I am doing a standard protocol with Estrace and Vivelle patches, but will add in the Viagara a bit later on. This will be waaaaaaay less estrogen than last time and I am hoping it will make a difference.

Oh it's on now.

-R.

Head and Heart

This morning at synagogue we heard the story of Abraham and Sarah being read from the Torah. Sarah was a barren woman and desperate to have a child. She finally after many years told Abraham to go ahead and have a child with his second wife, Hagar. Sarah seemed to be ok with the plan, until the child was born and then she became upset. (Sarah did go on to have a child, Issac, at the ripe age of ninety.)

The Rabbi based his sermon around this story. He discussed a reason for Sarah being upset. It is possible that although Sarah convinced her head that she was ready to move on and allow Abraham to conceive with another woman, her heart was not ready.

This statement resonated with me. I found myself replaying those words in my head and thinking about my own situation. My head was ready for donor eggs probably since the third failed IVF. I had convinced myself that I was ready and ok with what was to come. I am ok with the decision - mostly. My heart still aches for my biological child and I suspect in some ways it always will.

Another thought that came to my mind today was my sister. In my head I am totally, one hundred percent happy and excited for her, but heart still aches. It is bitter sweet for me to think about all the wonderful things that are happening for her, while I feel a mess at the same time.

Today, was a day of new beginnings. I am now officially out of my year from hell phase and have wiped the slate clean. My new year's resolution is to try and get my heart to catch up to my head.

-R.

New Beginning

Tonight marks the beginning of the Jewish holiday, Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish new year. It is considered one of the High Holidays and is a very spiritual, religious and traditional time for many Jews. One year ago I was in a very different place. I was on bed rest in Denver from my last ever own egg cycle and away from family (except A) for the holiday. We had concocted a lie to tell our families as we didn't want anyone to know what we were really up to. This last year has been hands down the worst of my life. There were so many moments where I honestly didn't know if I would survive. I have cried so many tears that I now feel completely shattered and emotionally unstable (I often cry for no reason and when watching TV). It is hard to admit, but I can't seem to find any positives in my life over the past year.

In case you are new to my story, here are the highlights from the past year:
- OE cycle at CCRM failed
- Decided to move forward with donor eggs
- Turned the big 3-0
- First donor backs out the day stims were to start
- Unable to do a fresh transfer due to thin lining
- Struggled to thicken lining and tried a variety of protocols and experienced many delays
- Started teaching at a new school and hated it
- Gave notice to school for the following school year
- 11 new pregnancy announcements
- My sister announced her pregnancy
- First DE FET worked and for two weeks I was pregnant until the ultrasound revealed no heartbeat
- 3 doses of Misoprostal to induce the miscarriage
- Ultrasound revealed that more medication was needed
- My marriage suffered and A and I had some major problems/issues
- Hysteroscopy revealed tissue remaining and endometrial biopsy needed
- CD37 and still no period

It is safe to say that this year SUCKED. There were (and are) so many moments where I wanted to give up. To crawl into some dark hole and never come out...but I didn't. I stayed and am continuing to try. My faith in both Science and God are shaken and at this point, I find it difficult to believe in either. I walk around in a state of disbelief and feel that at any time I could fall to pieces. I put up a brave front, but on the inside I am a mess.

This year has to be better...right? I mean it couldn't possibly get any worse.

-R.

To those who celebrate the holiday, I wish you a shana tova (happy new year).

Exhausted

This is the only word I can think of to describe how I am right now. I am tired from my first day back at school and from the back and forth happenings with my nurse.

First...school.

Overally it was a good day, but it sure started out like a scene out of a movie. The kids were hyper to say the least and it took an hour to calm them and get them into the routine of learning. They seem really nice and I think it will be a good year. First days are always tiring no matter how veteran one is. The night before is spent agonizing over every detail, and I find myself tossing and turning throughout the night, and waking up far too early - even before the alarm. Once I got over the initial craziness, the rest of the day went smoothly. It felt great to be back in a middle school setting teaching the students that I really love. But oh am I tired!


Now the nurse.

I am sure I have alluded to the fact that I am less than thrilled with her on a regular basis. She is nice and we have an almost friendship (most people don't spend as much time as me in the donor program), but she doesn't always get me. I sent an email today questioning whether I got my period and asked if it was possible that it has come and gone. Her reply, no it wasn't a period. I then followed up with a suggestion to get tested to see where I am in my cycle, her response was no. I then clarified how I was certain that I experienced a oeriod as I know my body and I have never had a 36+ day cycle, and again her reply was to wait it out. This is just not working for me. I managed to wear her down and let me get checked next week if it is still not here, but I think I may just do it on my own on Friday.

The good news is that today was her last day and I now have a new nurse. I really hope she is more understanding of my frustrations.

Ok, vent over

-R.

Is It Possible?

That I missed my period? I mean that it has come and gone already. The symptoms are gone - no more pimples, cramps or headaches (except for now, but I suspect its from the alcohol) and I did have some reddish brown discharge for a few days, but no flow and no spotting. I didn't need a liner at all. But now, when I go to the bathroom, the toilet paper is clean, no blood, not even a hint of it. WTF?

I am frustrated. I can deal with it being late, but I find it hard when it feels like it has come and gone without me knowing. I am not sure what to do. Any thoughts?

-R.

CD34

I miscounted yesterday. Oops.

I am so stupid. I managed to get my hopes up that I might be one of the "miracles", you know the story where after many many failed IF treatments and a miscarriage the person gets pregnant? Well, no that didn't happen. I took a test. That settles it. I am mad that I allowed myself to think that I didn't really need donor eggs or IVF, but how silly of me. Of course I do.

Thank goodness for open bars at weddings. That's where I will be tonight.

-R.

ETA: My sister just left my BFF's house where she got a ton of hand me downs. Those were supposed to be mine. FML. (I know they might still be one day, but that is not the mood I am in today.)

CD32

I didn't get my period after all. UGH. I have had cramps in that region for days now, and even got some bloodyish eggy strings when I wipe (sorry for the gross TMI), but the nurse said quite clearly that no, a period needs to be full flow...so I am waiting. Still.

A. and I just got back from the spa. O.M.G. it was amazing. We spent around an hour in the different pools (3 different temp hot pools and 3 different temp cold plunge pools), the ecucalyptis wet steam and the sauna. It was heavenly. Then we had one hour massages (registered massages are covered under our health plan so today was free! No IVF coverage though.) followed by another round of relaxation time. We both feel great and are so relaxed.

Tonight our big plan involves opening a bottle of red, making dinner and watching a movie. I can't wait. I told A. yesterday that this weekend needs to last because I am going to be so busy once Tuesday comes around that I won't see him until Christmas!

-R.

TGIF

I am so ready for the long weekend. My classroom is set-up, the first day is planned and I have met with my department; I am finally feeling organized for school. My first impressions so far are positive and so I am really hoping that it will be an all around great year. I even decided to take a course in the fall and I am excited to get back into learning mode again. Professionally things are falling into place. Phew. (I will admit that after last year, I was almost ready to consider switching professions and now I am so glad that I just stuck it out.)

Personally, things may be going well too. I think I may be getting my period as we speak (sorry for the TMI). I have a call into my nurse for her to get working on my calendar based on a CD1 of tomorrow and I am so excited/anxious to get this ball rolling. My first choice is to do a late September transfer, but that is only four weeks from now so it may not be possible, but I am going to hope for that.

This weekend I am going to relax and pamper myself. I deserve it after all the long hours I have put over the last two weeks at work. A. and I are going up north for the weekend and we are going to get massages here. We also have a family wedding (we go to a lot of weddings) on Sunday and then we will come back to reality on Monday for the start of school on Tuesday.

I think I may be in a good place emotionally too which is so relieving to say. This summer sucked and I am glad it is over.

-R.

90210

I went to a wedding tonight on 09-02-10. Yes, the date is the very same as the infamous late '90s TV show and it is precisely why the couple chose the date almost two years ago. I will admit, i wasn't looking forward to the wedding. It was a second cousin of mine and we are not particularly close (no ill feelings, just removed) and since I have been working so late for the past few days getting things in order for the new school year, I would have appreciated a quiet night at home.

I will say that I have found the sliver of silver lining of my sister being pregnant...she's my designated driver! Oh yea, A. and I can drink as much as we want and we have a ride home. Open bar at the wedding, here we come. The wedding was much more enjoyable than anticipated. We missed most of the ceremony due to traffic, but the reception was lovely. The bride and groom entered the room to the music from the popular show, 90210, it was very cute. The speeches were meaningful and yet humorous. I think my favorite joke of the night went as follows:

Mother of Groom: I would like to say this Grace that has been in our family for five generations. (Grace is said)

Father of Bride: I don't mean to one up you, but I am pretty sure that my Grace has been in the family for over 5000 years. (Blessing over the challah)

Needless to say, both the Jews and Christians in the room were laughing up a storm. It was really nice.

I learned a lot about my cousin tonight. I learned that she is funny, outgoing and an amateur actress/dancer...who knew? There were so many little touches throughout the night that showcased this. For example, their first dance. They started off with a traditional slow dance until they broke out into a choreographed dance of "Single Ladies", a-ma-zing! Everyone loved it.

As I watched the wedding dance followed by an equally exciting father/daughter dance, I realized that from the outside we are all so different. She has always appeared to me as a quiet, shy girl; but tonight I learned that she is so much more. I wonder what people think of me from the outside? If they only knew...

_r.

AF?

Why does it seem that whenever I really want it to come, it never does? I do have my tells that it is on the way headaches, pimple on nose and cramps; but still no sign of her. UGH. I haven't mentioned it in a while, but did you know I hate waiting?

-R.