This morning at synagogue we heard the story of Abraham and Sarah being read from the Torah. Sarah was a barren woman and desperate to have a child. She finally after many years told Abraham to go ahead and have a child with his second wife, Hagar. Sarah seemed to be ok with the plan, until the child was born and then she became upset. (Sarah did go on to have a child, Issac, at the ripe age of ninety.)
The Rabbi based his sermon around this story. He discussed a reason for Sarah being upset. It is possible that although Sarah convinced her head that she was ready to move on and allow Abraham to conceive with another woman, her heart was not ready.
This statement resonated with me. I found myself replaying those words in my head and thinking about my own situation. My head was ready for donor eggs probably since the third failed IVF. I had convinced myself that I was ready and ok with what was to come. I am ok with the decision - mostly. My heart still aches for my biological child and I suspect in some ways it always will.
Another thought that came to my mind today was my sister. In my head I am totally, one hundred percent happy and excited for her, but heart still aches. It is bitter sweet for me to think about all the wonderful things that are happening for her, while I feel a mess at the same time.
Today, was a day of new beginnings. I am now officially out of my year from hell phase and have wiped the slate clean. My new year's resolution is to try and get my heart to catch up to my head.