Thursday, September 9, 2010

Head and Heart

This morning at synagogue we heard the story of Abraham and Sarah being read from the Torah. Sarah was a barren woman and desperate to have a child. She finally after many years told Abraham to go ahead and have a child with his second wife, Hagar. Sarah seemed to be ok with the plan, until the child was born and then she became upset. (Sarah did go on to have a child, Issac, at the ripe age of ninety.)

The Rabbi based his sermon around this story. He discussed a reason for Sarah being upset. It is possible that although Sarah convinced her head that she was ready to move on and allow Abraham to conceive with another woman, her heart was not ready.

This statement resonated with me. I found myself replaying those words in my head and thinking about my own situation. My head was ready for donor eggs probably since the third failed IVF. I had convinced myself that I was ready and ok with what was to come. I am ok with the decision - mostly. My heart still aches for my biological child and I suspect in some ways it always will.

Another thought that came to my mind today was my sister. In my head I am totally, one hundred percent happy and excited for her, but heart still aches. It is bitter sweet for me to think about all the wonderful things that are happening for her, while I feel a mess at the same time.

Today, was a day of new beginnings. I am now officially out of my year from hell phase and have wiped the slate clean. My new year's resolution is to try and get my heart to catch up to my head.



  1. That is an amazing sermon It was as if the Rabbi was speaking right to you. Glad you were able to have a great day. I too believe I will grieve for the loss of a biological child but time has helped immensely to heal the soul. Sounds like a great resolution to me.

  2. Ninety? Really? That definitely sounds like some sort of a miracle!
    I wonder if my heart will ever catch up completely with my head - I feel like there might always be that tiny little gap. But a barely noticeable one. It sounds like you are in a good place. I hope you are having a happy holiday.

  3. Happy new year, R...I understand the head/heart thing completely. I hope this year brings you peace and great happiness.

  4. I totally thought of you throughout the entire service, especially the Haftorah concerning Hannah. Glad you made it through. Yes, I hope we all have a better year. Shana Tovah!


  5. This was a lovely post. Most days it seems almost impossible to reconcile my head with my heart.... I hope you get everything your head and your heart desire this year!!

  6. How interesting that the Rabbi would tell this story. It has so much meaning for you. I am glad that it allowed you to reflect on your situation, and check in with your head and your heart.
    Wishing you a happy new year (la Shana Tova).

  7. I bet it did. It is one thing for me to be here at 40. I get it. My guess is it is a hell of a lot harder at 30.

    Here is to the new year.

  8. It's almost as if the Rabbi wrote his sermon just for you. Thanks so much for sharing. You have such a beautiful heart, R.


  9. I'm sure those words gave you comfort. It's okay when you know what is right even if your heart is not totally in agreement with dreams or desires.

  10. That is a very meaningful passage! I can relate... my head feels happy for my pregnant SIL, but my heart aches and is full of jealousy. The idea of closing one chapter and resolving to take advantage of new beginnings is an exciting one. I am excited to read about all that is to come.

  11. I am glad that you have a clean slate as you did have a terrible year last year but it is a new beginning today. Wouldn't it be great if our head could control our hearts and by just deciding something in our minds would make it so with our hearts? It is very difficult when the two are in conflict and I hope that you will get your wish this year. I can't believe the topic of the sermon today - I'm glad that it resonated with you so much and I hope that it provides you hope and renewed energy to continue on.