One of my coping mechanisms for dealing with IF is to keep busy. It helps to have a place to go when the despair hits, but I think I may be stretching myself too thin these days. On top of my new job, which comes with a lot of added responsibility and work, I have acupuncture twice a week (hopefully only until the transfer), my appointment with SJ once a week and the latest is my new course once a week. I am getting tired just thinking about all this, but excited too.
I am tired of putting my life on hold because I am not pregnant. I have been scared to take risks, but I am now at a place where I can see beyond IF. I am not giving up. I will be a mother. But, I recognize that I need to move to forward. Putting the pieces of my broken my life back together is going to be rough, but I am committed to having a better year than the last one. Last year was the worst year in my entire life, and I hit rock bottom...more than once; I just can't do that again. I won't do that again. Even if I get cancelled on Friday or get a BFN, I know that nothing will hurt more than the miscarriage this summer. Every now and then I remember the feeling or think about how far along I would have been (20 weeks and getting ready to find out the sex) and then I remember.
I will nto be a victim anymore. It is time for me. I am going to take care of myself and work to heal my broken heart...I just hope I get pregnant so that this will be a bit easier.