A. has always been my rock through all this. He is the optimistic one, who desperately believes that this will work somehow (this also drives me crazy at times). He is the one I rely on to keep me grounded when my head goes to those places. Since the miscarriage, it almost seems as if our roles have reversed.
This year, A. was resistant to go to synagogue. He didn't really see the point and just wasn't into it. Neither him nor I are overly religious, but we are both quite traditional and for me to see the pain in his eyes as he talked about the holidays was heartbreaking. I can't help but feel like his life would be easier without me. All of our fertility problems are because of me. I am the lucky one with the shitty eggs and crappy uterus, while A. is Mr. Sperm. Seriously. He could probably look at you and you would get pregnant (well maybe not you, because if you're reading we probably have similar issues, but you get the idea LOL).
I feel like I have broken his beautiful spirit. I don't see the optimist in him anymore. He is hardened and devastated and it breaks my heart. How can I have caused him so much pain? He doesn't deserve this, I don't deserve this. We don't deserve this.
Telling A. about my latest possible delay, was almost comical. It has gotten to the point where we expect delays. I wish it were as easy as waiting for AF to show, but with my luck it never is. I just can't take the heartache anymore. More and more I am getting ready to wind down this IF journey. I am still 100% committed to this FET no matter when it happens (please let it be Oct. 6), but then I think it may be time for someone else to take over and help us get to the finish line. In the end, we want to be parents and it won't matter how we got there.
-R.
I'm sorry. I know how hard it is to feel like you're the one causing the problems. But he didn't marry your fertility, he married YOU. And you are much, much more than infertility, than eggs, than a uterus. I'm hoping things get easier.
ReplyDeleteIt's infinitely more challenging when you realize this is affecting your DH as much as it's affecting you...I know. It sucks. but you've got a great attitude and the stamina to try one more chance with your ute and if not then surrogacy. I admire your drive.
ReplyDeleteOh R, I am so sorry. As you know I am at a similiar point myself. Breaking the news to DH is always the most heart wrenching for me. Hoping that Oct 6 is it and that you don't have to ponder losing anymore optimism for you or A. Hugs to you!
ReplyDeleteIf you think you can, tell A. how you feel (if you haven't already). Tell him you're afraid he's better off without you, that you worry you're breaking his spirit and optimism. I think your burden will feel lighter as a result, and I bet his response might surprise you in a lovely way. Hope you get your transfer on the 6th.
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel R. I have felt repeatedly that I have let J. down, and at times even he has said in anger that he would be better off without me. But we both know that those are just words of frustration after the years of struggling with IF. You should be easier on yourself - this really is not your fault and I am sure that A. loves you no matter what. And yes, whatever your path may be, you will be parents one day and it will all be worth it.
ReplyDeleteR., I'm very sorry for the toll that infertility has taken on you and A, but please don't blame yourself because you've done nothing to cause or deserve the crappy fertility hand you were dealt. I'm crossing my fingers for October 6th.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
T.
I 100% understand where you are coming from, of course- just as I think we all do. And, if a couple's diagnosis was only male factor, I'm sure the DH would feel a sense of "guilt" as well, or even perhaps more since we are the ones going through all the physical stuff. But if you had some disease, or some other issue, he'd still love you, and like a pp said, he married YOU.
ReplyDeleteI also felt the same way about using DE and a surrogate- let's just get to the finish line. If you get to that point, you'll embrace it fully and actually be excited! That's what happened to me, anyway....but here's to a wonderful FET in just a few weeks.
I love the above comments. And, the first services after (well - you know)were so difficult. Plus, the portions happen to be fertility related. However, it was nice to fast yesterday and not have to worry. I chewed out a mother as her kids were slamming doors and screaming (no babysitters and no child services) and she just stood there. Anyway, grieving is a long process unfortunately.
ReplyDeleteT
hugs and peace to you...the waiting is the worst but you are right, your time and a's time is coming. things got effed up along the way but they WILL be alright. better than alright, amazing even! xoxo love to you my friend
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard not to think it is your fault, when it is your body that isn't doing what it is supposed to. I have felt responsible for our infertility and so guilty about bringing on so much pain for my husband and I. But is it really my fault? Is it really yours? No, it isn't. This is when we need our rational mind to take over and guide us to not sink down into the pit of despair. We don't live in a just world, and good things don't always happen to those who deserve them. However, you and A are committed to becoming parents, in one way or another. And that is possible. Very possible. You can hold on to that hope, because it will happen. You will be parents if you want to.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you are feeling down!....
ReplyDeleteDon´t be so hard on yourself and see you as "the one" with the issues. The reality is that you both AS A COUPLE, for whatever reason, need a little extra help. I am sure he just doesn´t imagine life or kids without you and that is what counts!
He didn´t marry your ovaries, he married YOU and YOU are way much more than what a pair of lazy ovaries can do!
Hang in there, IT can happen! :)
Our dx is male factor... but I always think of our issue as a couple like the above poster said.
ReplyDeleteIt's OUR issue.. can't making a baby on your own.
Hoping you keep your Oct 6th date!
I can only imagine a little bit how you feel. We had MFI up until the very last IUI. I think it probably helped us quite a bit (well, me anyhow) to share the burden.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to read this. It is such a crappy place to be, let alone when you start trying to assign ownership to the whole situation.
R you are in a rough spot. I believe in October.