A. has always been my rock through all this. He is the optimistic one, who desperately believes that this will work somehow (this also drives me crazy at times). He is the one I rely on to keep me grounded when my head goes to those places. Since the miscarriage, it almost seems as if our roles have reversed.
This year, A. was resistant to go to synagogue. He didn't really see the point and just wasn't into it. Neither him nor I are overly religious, but we are both quite traditional and for me to see the pain in his eyes as he talked about the holidays was heartbreaking. I can't help but feel like his life would be easier without me. All of our fertility problems are because of me. I am the lucky one with the shitty eggs and crappy uterus, while A. is Mr. Sperm. Seriously. He could probably look at you and you would get pregnant (well maybe not you, because if you're reading we probably have similar issues, but you get the idea LOL).
I feel like I have broken his beautiful spirit. I don't see the optimist in him anymore. He is hardened and devastated and it breaks my heart. How can I have caused him so much pain? He doesn't deserve this, I don't deserve this. We don't deserve this.
Telling A. about my latest possible delay, was almost comical. It has gotten to the point where we expect delays. I wish it were as easy as waiting for AF to show, but with my luck it never is. I just can't take the heartache anymore. More and more I am getting ready to wind down this IF journey. I am still 100% committed to this FET no matter when it happens (please let it be Oct. 6), but then I think it may be time for someone else to take over and help us get to the finish line. In the end, we want to be parents and it won't matter how we got there.