Tonight marks the beginning of the Jewish holiday, Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish new year. It is considered one of the High Holidays and is a very spiritual, religious and traditional time for many Jews. One year ago I was in a very different place. I was on bed rest in Denver from my last ever own egg cycle and away from family (except A) for the holiday. We had concocted a lie to tell our families as we didn't want anyone to know what we were really up to. This last year has been hands down the worst of my life. There were so many moments where I honestly didn't know if I would survive. I have cried so many tears that I now feel completely shattered and emotionally unstable (I often cry for no reason and when watching TV). It is hard to admit, but I can't seem to find any positives in my life over the past year.
In case you are new to my story, here are the highlights from the past year:
- OE cycle at CCRM failed
- Decided to move forward with donor eggs
- Turned the big 3-0
- First donor backs out the day stims were to start
- Unable to do a fresh transfer due to thin lining
- Struggled to thicken lining and tried a variety of protocols and experienced many delays
- Started teaching at a new school and hated it
- Gave notice to school for the following school year
- 11 new pregnancy announcements
- My sister announced her pregnancy
- First DE FET worked and for two weeks I was pregnant until the ultrasound revealed no heartbeat
- 3 doses of Misoprostal to induce the miscarriage
- Ultrasound revealed that more medication was needed
- My marriage suffered and A and I had some major problems/issues
- Hysteroscopy revealed tissue remaining and endometrial biopsy needed
- CD37 and still no period
It is safe to say that this year SUCKED. There were (and are) so many moments where I wanted to give up. To crawl into some dark hole and never come out...but I didn't. I stayed and am continuing to try. My faith in both Science and God are shaken and at this point, I find it difficult to believe in either. I walk around in a state of disbelief and feel that at any time I could fall to pieces. I put up a brave front, but on the inside I am a mess.
This year has to be better...right? I mean it couldn't possibly get any worse.
To those who celebrate the holiday, I wish you a shana tova (happy new year).