The Sign

I must wear a sign around my neck in big, flashing neon lights that reads: KICK ME WHEN I'M DOWN.

I would not classify myself as skinny or over weight, my weight is kept mostly in my abdomen (especially the IVF pounds), but I hide it quite well and really dress to my body type (I don't wear belly enhancing clothing or tight fitting). Or so I thought. I was getting my pre-wedding mani/pani and I was reclining in the massage chair, I guess I was not in a good angle and my dress was a bit clingy around the abdomen region. The esthetician who did my Brazilian a few weeks ago came over to say hi and then pointed to my stomach and said, "oh you're having baby" my reply was "no, I'm just fat". She shut up pretty quickly. To make matters worse, my sister was in the next chair and no one said anything to her.

Tonight I am taking the sign off. Ok universe, do you hear me? No more pregnancy comments of any kind.

-R.

Wedding Prep

Thank you all for the support you have shown me lately. It helps so much to know that there are others who get it (although I wish there weren't so many of us). I am doing better today, but know that Sunday will still be really really tough.

I think I may have mentioned before that I LOVE weddings. I love dress shopping, the details and the excitement surrounding a wedding. I also love being crafty and have started a tradition of making a keepsake for friends and family for their wedding. My sister and I crafted for a few hours today in preparation for Sunday. We made water bottles for the bride and groom so that they would drink in style while sweating it up on the dance floor.




We also made an umbrella with different coloured ribbons attached to be twirled by the bride during the hora. She will stand a chair surrounded by women each holding a ribbon that dance around her.

Its so amazing how doing something creative really takes my mind away from all the other shit going on. At least I am still able to enjoy those moments.

-R.

12 Weeks

Today I would have turned 12 weeks. Instead I am waiting for AF to show (had some cramping so hopefully this week). Another person congratulated me today at the wedding rehearsal. No, it is not because I look pregnant, but simply because in the natural order of things, the eldest gets married and pregnant first. FML. A. and I had huge dreams of how we were going to announce our exciting news, but instead I held back the tears. The pregnant bridesmaid was there and her belly looked full as she waddled down the aisle. I would have looked like that if my original plan worked. My sister was there with her little bump. I would have looked like that if my second plan worked. Instead, I looked regular on the outside and broken on the inside.

I need strength to get through this wedding on Sunday. Yes, I am so looking forward to seeing my cousin get married to a wonderful guy. Yes, it will be a p-a-r-t-y and there will be a lot of drinks had by me (mostly to show people which sister is pregnant) and yes, I will crying inside overtime I think about what could have and should have been.

-R.

Of Course

I have been dealing with my sister's pregnancy pretty ok lately. I manage to ask her how she's feeling and we do have some pregnancy talk once in a while. BUT, I am far from ok with all of this. I would be lying if I said that I don't think about this all.the.fucking.time. On the outside I seem to be handling it well, but I do have moments where I just want to scream and cry. In the past week, I have had three such moments.

1. The other night my sister was off to meet some friends from work downtown. She was worried that she wouldn't find a parking spot (only street parking), and my reply to her was, "don't worry, of course you will get a spot, things always just work out for you". She knew as well as I did that I was not talking about a stupid parking spot, but she let the comment go. She pretended to ignore it, but we both knew it was said and what was meant behind the comment.

2. The comment from the other day really upset me. (In case you didn't read the post, someone congratulated me on my pregnancy and asked when I was due. My response was that they had the wrong sister). I should have answered I am almost 12 weeks, but instead I said nothing. I had big dreams of sharing my news with family and friends after this weekend, but sadly that will not happen and yet again I am reminded of that. I will say that since her news has come out, people seem to act differently around me. They are quieter and I can literally feel the pity from their eyes. It is not a good feeling knowing that people talk about you behind your back and feel sorry for you. It sucks actually.

3. Today I was at a shiva house (In Judaism, the immediate family of someone who passes sit shiva for seven days, friends and family come to visit and share memories of the deceased) and I was sitting with my sister and mother. My mother said hello daughter one (to my sister) and hello daughter two (to me). I have never been daughter two. I am older. I know it was just because of the order we were sitting in, but that is exactly how I feel right now. I feel less important. I feel that because I am not pregnant, I am less important. It should be giving my parents their first grandchild, but I can't. I can't create children and I may not be able to carry a pregnancy.

Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself. My cousin's wedding is this weekend and I just can't bear the thought of wearing that dress. the dress that I should have been 5.5 months pregnant and then 3 months pregnant in. Now I am just empty in a dress that was originally my sisters. The ironic thing is that I look around 5 months pregnant in it as it is an empire waist with some pleating that makes the belly stick out. I will need to make sure that I have an alcoholic drink in my hand at all times to avoid future mistakes of congratulations meant for someone else.

-R.

No More Roots!

I feel like myself again. The hairdresser thought I was exaggerating when I had a consult with her on the phone last week about my hair and the 4" roots. Seriously, it was pretty bad. Luckily today it is fixed. I am back to my old self and feeling pretty great.

My HCG went down to 52.28 so hopefully two more weeks of this shit and then the real fun begins. I was also told that it is possible to get a period before a negative hcg and that yes, I will be allowed to use that period to get my hysteroscopy. This is really good news, because I need to go to Denver to do this before I go back to school.

Pretty boring around here right now, but that is ok. I am glad to not have something major to bitch about for once. I am just trying to enjoy the good moments when they come so I will have something to remind myself of when the bad ones hit (like yesterday when someone congratulated me on my pregnancy and I had to inform them they had the wrong sister :( ).

-R.

What a Weekend

Our weekend away was amazing. The resort was BEAUTIFUL and we were treated like a king and queen. We got up north around 4pm on Friday and the weather wasn't great (of course the only weekend that it hasn't been sunny and hot is the weekend we go away - figures), but we managed to enjoy the day none the less. We immediately put on the comfy robes of the hotel and chilled the wine. I had pre-ordered chocolate strawberries so we ate those as we drank from our balcony over looking the lake. It was paradise. We loved our room so much that we didn't leave until Saturday. Nothing beats room service in bathrobes. ;)

Saturday we spent the day relaxing by the pool and we got an amazing couples massage. Seriously, if you haven't done this before (and we hadn't) do it. It was so nice and it was ended off with a 30 min aromatherapy jacuzzi. So nice. We then had a romantic dinner in the hotel where we drank a lot and ate delicious food.

Sunday was picture perfect. The weather cooperated and spent the entire day outside. We sat by the pool, we canoed and even swan in the lake. It was amazing. At the end of the weekend, we both felt relaxed and re energized. As I said to A., this was exactly what i needed to keep fighting the IF battle.

Here are some pictures from the weekend:

From these chairs we were able to have this view from our hotel room.






Onwards and upwards. Next on the agenda, tomorrow's hcg check and hopefully a period sometime soon.


-R.

E.T.A.- I just realized that today is the one month anniversary of my first dose of Misoprostol. :( It still really hurts.

6 Years

Does anyone know when AF arrives once my HCG is negative? I have read some horror stories on the Internet and Dr. Google tells me it could be anywhere from one month to a year. A year? YOu have got to be kidding me. There is NO way that is accurate. I just can't believe that so please, set me straight.

***

Six years ago A. and I got married. It was the perfect fairytale wedding that I had always dreamed of. We didn't celebrate our anniversary on the day this year, but we are celebrating now! Here are some moments from my happiest memory. Enjoy! (The pictures are a bit fuzzy, but hopefully you'll get the idea.)

First, I have to start with my dress. It was a Monique Lhuillier and it was everything I had dreamed of. It was so beautiful and it made me feel like a princess.


Here we are under the chuppah for the wedding ceremony.


Once A. stepped on the glass, the guests screamed Mazel Tov and we were danced out of the room.



When we entered the room we ran through a tunnel held up by our bridal party. Everyone cheered and it truly was a magical moment.


We then immediately were joined on the dance floor by our guests to dance the hora. In a traditional Orthodox Jewish wedding, the bridal party 'entertains' the couple. This is why the bridesmaids danced around us with shopping bags (have I mentioned that I LOVE shopping) and the hat and t-shirt were camp shirts from where we met. We were even lifted on chairs...very scary for me, but A. loved it.


A. surprised me by singing to me, "How sweet it is to be loved by you" James Taylor. He was awesome.



At the end of the night, we were exhausted. We got in the limo and ate our dinner (the caterer made fresh food for us as we didn't eat all night) and then got to the hotel. We were almost to tired to..., but we found some energy. ;)



In six years, we have been through it all. Even though times have been tough, very very very tough lately, I love my life with A. and really hope that next year there will be one more in the family or at least one on the way. Tomorrow A. and I are going here for the weekend. It is exactly the type of getaway we need. I am so looking forward to relaxing, drinking and having fun. (Not sure what the internet situation is like so may not post until we get back on Sunday.)

-R.

Back to Where It All Began

Tonight for date night, A. and I went back to camp. The very same place where we first met. (You can read the full story here.) It was family night at the camp, a time where children show their parents the camp, meet the counsellors and an overall good time. Since A. and I are still close with the director, we often come up to show our support (and see some old friends). Tonight, I looked at the camp with different eyes. I saw my past with A. I am not even going to discuss how difficult it is to be surrounded by happy families and children, just know that it was and I am proud for surviving without tears.

A. and I sat on this rooftop and had our first one-on-one conversation. He asked me if I was seeing anybody.



This is the fire pit where A. sang and played his guitar. I didn't realize at the time that in a few hours, we would be kissing.



This is the pool where it all began.



I realized tonight that A. and I are very lucky. We have survived a lot and we are stronger for it. I know that whatever happens with our journey to becoming parents that we will be ok. It was a great date night.

And no trip to camp would be complete without a Dairy Queen! Some traditions are too good to break.



-R.

Mish Mash

This post is all over the place so I apologize in advance...

Today's beta check is 168. It is finally down to lower than my initial eta so it was a bitter sweet moment for me. I didn't cry though...progress. I also had to get a fasting homcysteine blood test. I am not sure what the results will mean, but it is in relation to the abnormal MTHFR gene. It must not be a common test, because I had to pa $65 (not covered by provincial health care OHIP) and I won't get the results until August 15th. From the very little research I have done on this (and my dad), I think this implicates the spinal development of the fetus, but did not have an affect on the miscarriage I just suffered. Ok, I can relax a little more now. If you have any information on this MTHFR gene, I am all ears.

***

I spoke with the nurse yesterday that is assigned to the GC patients. Here is what I have learned:
1. There is very specific criteria for GCs to be approved at CCRM:
- must be under 40
- must have been pregnant and have child/ren of their own (this means that I cannot ask a friend or cousin that is not a mom - not that I would, but you never know). the reason for this is mainly psychological, but it is non negotiable. ok.
- must have no more than 5 pregnancies and no more than 2 c-sections
- must be a healthy weight
2. There are three agencies that they work with on a regular basis, however I am free to find my own GC. I am hoping to find someone local to me to reduce major complications later on.
- Conceivabilities
- Surrogacy Source
- Creative Conception
3. There is a lengthy timeline between choosing a GC and actually transferring (many steps involved):
- choose a GC
- CCRM needs to review all prenatal and delivery records
- GC needs to have a ODWU
- It will take around 2 weeks to get all testing records from ODWU
- Transfer
*She thinks its about 3 - 31/2 months from ODWU to transfer. Ouch, that is a long wait as it does not take into account the time it takes to find a GC.

I'm a bit bummed by this because I know myself. I know that if my next transfer fails I will need to move on quickly for myself. I don't do well with waiting (hence 32 medicated cycles) and a possible wait of six months or longer seems like torture. BUT, I'm not getting ahead of myself. I am still planning to transfer Sept/Oct and am hoping hoping hoping that that will be it. That it will finally work.

***

In terms of the 32 cycles, they were not all complete. My local RE did not have me take breaks (unless I wanted to) between timed intercourse or IUIs. I was able to cycle back to back. For my IVFs, I was on estrogen priming so even when the cycle was over, I was still on hormones before I started the injectables. For the FETS, well we know how that went, I was prepped a lot and was cancelled a lot. And there you have it.

***

I tried making strawberry frozen yogurt today. Ugh, it's not great. I used fat free plain yogurt and skim milk to make it really healthy and low fat, but I don't think I used enough sugar so it's a bit tart. Oh well, let's hope my next flavour turns out better. It's going to be pistachio gelato and it will be made tomorrow.

Book Review

I have been reading the book, "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" by Harold S. Kushner. I am almost finished the book (which is a quick read if you don't break it up like I have) and until today it was just that, a read. I was struggling to find the connection to what I was going through and the examples in the book. This is part of my problem though. I don't like to hear stories about people who struggled with IF and then got pregnant because they never relate to me. I have read countless memoirs and heard many stories, but they are just that...stories. Aside from all of you, who get it, I am just not interested in hearing about so and so who took for Clo.mid for a few months, stopped and then got pregnant. I tried the Clo.mid, it did absolutely nothing for me so shut the fuck up, it won't help. I didn't even last a full cycle on it. After five days, I added injectables and haven't looked back since. That was over three years ago. I have been on injectable hormones for 32 cycles (timed intercourse - IUI - IVF - DE IVF).

I am not usually jealous, but rather upset for myself when I hear of other people's success; and especially with this last loss, I found myself very very sad, depressed, angry, bitter, jealous (insert other adjectives that fit) and questioning why. I would not consider myself an overly religious person. I don't attend synagogue on a weekly basis, nor do I follow the Halacha (Jewish law) to the letter, however I do keep many of the traditions and try to find meaning in what I believe. Over my IF journey, I have become more in tune with my Judaism. I have begun going to the Mikve and also consulted with a rabbi from time to time. At each major failure, I have found myself questioning my faith. Right now, I am really struggling with this. I am so angry that my life right now is defined by calendars, cycles and hormones; I just want to cross over already. I want to be myself again. The happy, outgoing person that A. fell in love with. I know she's in there somewhere, and I am trying to find my way back to her.

When reading the book today, the section that really spoke to me was about anger and jealousy. It was the first time since reading the book that I was able to relate elements to my life and my situation. I don't know if that made me feel good or not, but it did give some validity to what I was reading. It also helped me to not feel so alone. For the first time, I felt like someone got it. Someone that wasn't reading this blog. Someone that I hadn't met and that didn't necessarily experience IF.

"What do we do with our anger when we have been hurt? The goal, if we can achieve it, would be to be angry at the situation, rather that at ourselves, or at those who might have prevented it or are close to us trying to help us, or at God who let it happen. Getting angry at ourselves makes us dressed. Being angry at other people scares them away and makes it harder for them to help us. Being angry at God erects a barrier between us and all the sustaining, comforting resources of religion that are there to help us at such times. But being angry at the situation, recognizing it as something rotten, unfair, and totally undeserved, shouting about it, denouncing it, crying over it, permits us to discharge the anger which is a part of being hurt, without making it harder for us to be helped.

"Jealousy is almost as inevitable a part of being hurt by life as are guilt and anger. How can the injured person not feel jealous of people who may not deserve better, but have received better? How can the widow not be jealous of even her closes friends who still have a husband to go home to? How should the woman whose doctor has told her she will never be able to bear children react when her sister-in-law confides to her that something may have gone wrong and she may be pregnant for a fourth time?

It serves us no purpose to try to moralize against jealousy and talk people out of it. Jealousy is too strong a feeling. It touches us too deeply, hurting us in places we care about...We hurt ourselves more than anyone else by feeling jealous, and we know it. But we still feel it.

Perhaps that is the only cure for jealousy, to realize that the people we resent and envy for having what we lack, probably have wounds and scars of their own. They may even be envying us.

Anguish and heartbreak may not be distributed evenly throughout the world, but they are distributed very widely. Everyone gets his share. If we knew the facts, we would very rarely find someone whose life was to be envied" (Kusner, 120-124).

It's a lot to think about. I'm still processing how these words make me feel. Each sentence touches on a different part of my emotions - even some I didn't know I had. I have two more chapters left of the book and then I will be able to completely reflect on what message I have taken away from it, but for today I am comforted knowing that I am not alone.

-R.

Breaking the Silence: Infertility - Article in SELF

I just read this article from SELF magazine. The article talks about the emotional affects of infertility on couples - especially for woman. It follows one couple who struggle to get pregnant as well as quotes various sources from IF patients to medical personnel. I think the article is extremely well written and really portrays what it is like to be infertile. I know for me, being open about my feelings IRL is not something that I am particularly good at. I am thinking of emailing the article out to family and friends so that they have more of an understanding of what we are going through. I want it to be an eye opener for them, but not necessarily a gateway to further explore my feelings.

I hope you enjoy the read.

-R.

Drinking in the Sun

Yeah you read right...I'm drunk right now. It feels great. A. and I spent the day at the pool drinking beer and enjoying the weather. My dad plays baseball and his tournament was near us so we even managed to catch a bit of the game (they tied one and won one). Tonight we are taking it easy, may take Cassie's advice and see Inception or just continue chillaxing in the sun. Hope you all are having an awesome weekend too.

-R.

UPDATE: We decided to see Grownups due to timing. It was very funny. If you need a pick me up, go and see it.

Don't Wait

I have been neglecting taking care of myself. The roots on my head are four inches long and I don't have an appointment for another week and a half and the other hair on my body, needed to be removed a month ago. Sorry, but its true. I decided that since it is beautiful weather and A. and I are going up north with my parents for the weekend, it was a good time to wax certain areas. OMFG does it hurt to get a brazilian when you haven't had a wax in like forever? I wanted to scream. I think a tear rolled out of my eye at one point. It hurt...like a bitch. My assvice to you all is to not neglect your body even if you are in the slums of a deep depression, it doesn't help you when you finally reemerge into civilization.

-R.

Can You Believe This?

A. and I had an appointment with SJ today. When we got there, she wasn't quite ready for us so we decided to run across the street and grab a quick drink. It is hot here so I was wearing a sundress that is a bit low cut, but still appropriate for day (I usually dress extremely modestly and showing even a bit of cleavage is too much for me) when crossing the stress I was accosted by a random woman who started yelling in the streets telling me to "put my tits away" and then started screaming about France and the burkah law. A. was seriously pissed and started to defend my honour, but the woman was not all there so I asked him to let it go. It was really weird.

On to the appointment...

It started off really well. A. and I both felt that we had made some great process and that we were both committed to this process. Phew. Then all hell broke loose. It was almost like a free for all where we started going back and forth and lots of stuff came up, but not in a good way. It was pretty intense. I was really upset and SJ could tell. By the end of the appointment I was just finished. I had no energy left. BUT, what was weird was that as soon as we left the office, it was back to business as usual. A. gave me a kiss goodbye and we went our separate ways (him back to work, me home). We talked on the phone during my drive home and I was able to articulate why I was so upset and I think he now gets it. I just wish he was hearing me before. Boys can be so frustrating sometimes. I know that we are far from fixed and we, like every couple will have our ups and downs, it just sucks sometimes. Things are ok between us and we are looking forward to the weekend and spending time together which is good. I am going to focus on that.

***

In other news, I think I may need to distance myself from my sister. We continue to spend a lot of time together and I feel that it is not good for me. She continues to be extremely sensitive to me, but every now and then I want to explode. I am still so hurt and upset and although I don't show it to her, I am broken on the inside. I don't think it's realistic to really distance myself, but I need to find a way to be ok with everything.

-R.

I Scream For Ice Cream

I made my first batch today. I thought long and hard about what my first flavour should be and consulted with a few different people:

- A. and my sister both thought I should make something basic to test the machine and the basic flavour.

- My mom thought I should blow the calories and make something totally decadent.

- A few friends had mixed reactions.

I thought about it and thought about it and thought about it (can you tell I have nothing to do these days?) and then decided to take both trains of thought and make vanilla bean ice cream.

The recipe was a bit of a disaster at first. There was spilling and ingredients flying all over the place, but when it finally was finished, WOW was it ever good. Kayjay was right, I am never going to buy ice cream again. I love this machine. (I bought clear plastic containers to transfer the ice cream into, but am looking for white plastic ones, anyone know where to get these?)

***

I watched the series finale of the The H.ills today and I cried through it. I have not been a fan since Lauren left, but have seen episodes here and there, but I did feel a bit like it was the end of the era. This has to be the hormones still in me, right? I mean seriously, crying for The H.ills?

***

I don't want to jinx anything, but lately things have gotten back to normal. A. and I are doing really well and in a good place again. We are still keeping up with our date nights (tonight we are going to watch a De.xter marathon - we are only on season 1 so don't spoil) and are still seeing SJ; but overall huge improvements have been made and we are really good. I am happy. I am also making huge strides with getting my emotional self back in check. I have started reading the book, When Bad Things Happen to Good People by Harold S. Kushner and will give you my take it on it when finished. I still am sad and empty and suspect I will continue to feel this way for a really long time, but like you said, it does get easier.

Thanks for continuing to support me even when I seem to just whine and whine.

-R.

Good and Bad

The good news is that I passed all the tissue and the miscarriage is over with no D&C needed! I couldn't be more relieved. I am still waiting to hear what my HCG level is and it will take 4-6 to get a period, but at least I am moving in the right direction.

The bad news is that my local dr. agreed that after one more try, I should move on to using a GC. This was a huge shock to me. I thought I was being proactive and that it wouldn't be my reality, but as the days pass I realize that it probably will happen. They told me about the agency they deal with and it was one of the ones I had contacted already so that was good at least. I am just really confused right now. I don't even know what my next step should be. I think I need to process this a bit more before making any major decisions.

After leaving the dr.'s office, I was pretty upset and emotional. I decided I needed a pick me up. I bought something that I had my eye on for a long time, an ice cream maker! Yup, you heard me, I am now the owner of a Cus.inart frozen dessert maker. My only decision now, is which flavour to make first!

-R.

UPDATE: My beta is dropping and is now at 568. I remember how excited I was when it doubled to 547 and now I am happy that it dropped to just about that...how ironic. Also, I was reviewing the recurrent pregnancy loss blood work that I had done over a year ago to send to CCRM and it says that I am heterozygous for the 677C>T variant in the MTHFR gene. What the hell does that mean?

Holy Moly

Remember these? They are the MOST uncomfortable shoes I have ever put on my feet. Tonight was my SIL's bridal shower. Finally, a nice event where I can get dressed up and break-in the new shoes before the wedding. Big mistake. Ouch. These shoes must have been invented by a man who hates women. Seriously, I don't know what I am going to do. First thing tomorrow I am going to buy those gel inserts and pray they work.

At least the shower was beautiful and it took my mind off myself for a couple of hours.

***

In other news I spoke to my nurse today and she said that I can only start building my lining again 60 days after I pass the tissue so if I get the all clear tomorrow, September 10th will be the day that I start building. I also wanted to inquire about GCs, and wouldn't you know it, there is a separate nurse department for that, so I have been passed along. I am really making my way through the staff there. I know it may seem like I am obsessing over the carrier, I'm not. I promise, I am just trying to learn as much as I can now, while I can think about it rationally. I think I'm just distracting myself from tomorrow's ultrasound. Wish me luck.

-R.

Two Steps Forward...Two Steps Back

I regressed a bit today. I had two mini meltdowns. First, my stomach has been cramping on and off all day. I would say that I am 90% recovered from the miscarriage physically, but that 10% sucks. The cramps come in waves and they are pretty intense. Out of nowhere it is a real reminder of what has happened. Soon, I will be completely recovered and then this will all be a distant memory faded into the background. I don't want to forget. I was pregnant, even if for only a few short weeks, it was real. People have already moved on and probably expect me to as well, but I just can't. Moving on signifies that it is over. I may never experience a pregnancy again. In a way, I feel like I want these cramps to continue so that I have a reminder of what once was. Other times (like when I am actually experiencing pain), I want it to be over, forgotten so that I can move on.

We spent the day with A.'s family at a friend's country house. It was a beautiful day outside and the two families have spent many wonderful summer days together. There were three young children and one more on the way. That was so tough. I had to put on my brave, sociable face and pretend like it wasn't killing me to watch the happy families. At one point, I needed to sneak away for a few tears, but luckily I was able to recover quickly. That was my first mini meltdown.

The second and final one came in the car on the way home. A. and I were discussing gestational carriers generally and I was able to verbalize how difficult this would be for me. He is not ready to think about next steps, but I need to know all my possibilities even if they are for the far future, it makes the blow easier when it becomes my reality (and it always becomes the reality). I started thinking about how I would bond with the child, and if I would be able to. I realize that it is similar to adoption in the sense that I will have no connection to this child, but will still be able to love it as all adoptive parents do. I guess I am just freaking out. I know in the end if a GC is the route we need to take to have our family, than we will find a way to make it work, but WOW, it is so scary. I don't think I will be able to process that for a while. I hope I don't have to.

I go in for my next (and hopefully last) check on Tuesday to see if I passed all the tissue. I really hope this will be over so that I will be able to start to heal. I truly think, once that happens, the rest will fall into place.

-R.

Processing

The thoughts of the WTF conversation have been on constant replay in my head for two days. I keep hearing the same two words over and over and over again, gestational carrier. How did I get to this place? I am not a place where I can process the effects of using a carrier in combination with donor eggs...yet. For now, I can only focus on the logistics and I am sure the emotional elements will come out in later posts.

Thank you for your comments and suggestions after the WTF. I have read them all and have taken your words into consideration. As usual, I was prepared for the conversation with a list of questions, however I forgot to ask some of them, including the one about the endometrial biopsy. I plan to discuss this in more detail when I hopefully go for the hysteroscopy.

A. and I have talked about this and we both are on board with trying again with my uterus. I am not convinced that it wasn't an embryo issue that caused the miscarriage and so depending on how the next transfer goes, I may continue to try with my body. But, I do need to understand the gestational carrier process. I am a textbook type A personality and so I need to know what could be a realistic outcome for me.

I have spent the last two days reaching my options. I have found three agencies so far.
1. Canadian Surrogacy Options
2. Surrogacy in Canada Online
3. Surrogacy Options

I am really confused about this process. Not only is it HUGELY expensive, but I can not really understand how it works. Egg donation is simple compared to this. The clinic had a database and it was easy. Not emotionally, but practically. This seems so complicated. I need some help to understand this.

In just two days, I am swarmed with questions, I am hoping some of you more experienced ladies can guide me a bit.

If you have had any dealings with these agencies please share your experiences with me good or bad. I am really interested in the process for selecting a surrogate and the timeline for doing so. I am also struggling with the idea of having a carrier who lives away from me. I want to be a part of the doctor appointments because I need to feel connected, is this even a possibility? I guess I just need a place to start and to know that this option is ok, because right now I am totally freaking out about it.

-R.

Out and About

I had another tear free day! Yes, I'm really proud of myself. I'm still lounging in bed for a lot longer than usual (and maybe have spent some time researching surrogacy options- I just wanted to get an idea on cost and timelines and will save that and all other issues pertaining to future tries for another post), but I am getting out of the house. Today I spent a few hours at the mall with a friend and even bought myself some new sexy underwear from Pi.nk (I am usually not a sexy king of gal, but I wanted something pretty for myself).

I definitely think that I am starting to come out of this depression, but my wounds are deep and I need to prepare myself for some tough times ahead. At least I'm making some positive progress.

-R.

WTF Appointment

First of all, I need to say that I didn't cry today. Big improvement, and I am really proud of myself. A. left this morning for a boys road trip across the border to go and see a concert so I am home alone today and tomorrow. I decided that I was going to take some control. I actually left the house and did something for myself, I got a mani/pedi. It felt really nice to just be surrounded people and get pampered. I even choose colours out of my comfort zone. Dark purple toes and light purple nails both from the OPI Shrek collection. I then met a friend for a frozen coffee.

On to the WTF appointment. First of all, I love the dr. He reassured me that he will not give up on me and gave me some virtual hugs over the phone.

Basically here is the gist of it:

- Since I didn't have an D&C, there is no way to 100% know what caused the miscarriage, but he thinks it was my uterus.
- He doesn't recommend testing the embryos, but it is my decision. THere is no data to support testing the embryos and he doesn't recommend the thaw/refreeze/thaw. Again, he will do it I want, I just don't know.
- I can start to try again 60 days after I pass the tissue. Does that mean 60 days to start building the lining, or 60 days until the transfer? I will follow-up with my nurse on this.
- In terms of testing to be done, he recommends I do another hysteroscopy in his office. THis can be done with my next period. If I can't make it down there, I can do a sono locally. My preference is to do the hysteroscopy if the timing works out.
- He didn't have a copy of my recurrent pregnancy blood work, so my local dr. will fax it along. I may want to repeat this testing.
- I asked about the protocol and we may try the patches and estrace first, and then add the delestrogen if needed. This was the protocol from my OE FET and my lining was 7.5mm. Not sure, will rediscuss when I go for the hysteroscopy.
- He thinks I should try again with my uterus and if it doesn't work, move on to a GC. Holy shit, that would suck!

I will admit that I cried after I hung up the phone. I just don't know what to think. I did call A. and he told me is in 100% with me and that everything would be ok. I love him for that.

-R.

A New Attitude

Ok, I have a made a decision, I am no longer going to be this whiny, crying person any longer. I am regaining control of my life.

Do you believe it? I am trying really hard to.

***

I had a decent day today. I got dressed and even put on some jewelry and went out into the world. I hit the supermarket...twice and even saw a work colleague for a bit. I then had an appointment with SJ. I always feel calmer after a session with her. Its amazing actually. We talked a lot about how A. and I met. I don't remember if I had written about it or not so if you've heard this one before please skip over.

A. and I had both been working at the same summer camp for years. We knew each other, but because of our age difference (he is 5.5 years older), we didn't run in the same social circles. In 2000, we were both working at camp and our campers were on an overnight. A few staff (A. and I included) decided that once the campers were asleep and there was ample supervision that the rest of us would go for a late night skinny dip. It was then that we 'hooked up' for the first time. I was really taken aback by the situation, but having recently gotten out of a long relationship, it was a very nice surprise to say the least. After that, we decided we should go on a date. It was pretty awkward because we had known each other, but didn't know each other. He picked me up from a dinner party and we went to a part of town that is very pedestrian and quaint to walk around. After an hour, we headed back to his house and 'watched' a movie.

We casually dated for a couple months, but since I was out of town at university, he decided that he wasn't interested in a long distance relationship. I was upset, but not devastated. It was six months before we would begin talking again. We started hanging out in April of 2001 and by May, we were officially and item. It was really cute because I remember him asking me directly to be his girlfriend.

On August 28, 2003 A. proposed. I had been waiting a l-o-n-g time for this. In fact, every night we went out since that May, I thought maybe it would be the night. He knew this, and couldn't stop playing with me. He must have faked proposed a million times. It was so frustrating. I remember our engagement night like it was yesterday. He came to door to pick me up for a date, and he brought me a dead yellow rose. It was a HOT day, and the flower was in his car and couldn't take the heat. I thought it was weird, but nice. He immediately got down on one knee in the foyer of my parents house and as soon as he pulled out the ring box, I said "fuck off". I couldn't believe that after all the fake-outs, it was finally real. I said YES and after an intense hug and kiss we went out. There was a limousine waiting for us, which drove us around the city where we drank some champagne. I remember all I wanted to do was call my family and friends, but he just wanted it to be about us. We finally got to the restaurant and both our families were there waiting to toast us. It was an unbelievable moment. Again, I wanted to call my friends, but he said wait until tomorrow. After dinner we went to the hotel across the street where we would be staying for the night, and he suggested we go to the hotel bar for a drink. All our friends were there waiting. It was honestly the most special night of my life.

I am going to try really hard to focus on the positives from now on. I know that I have been dealt a really shitty hand of cards and I am working through this. BUT- I am not going to let it take over my life any more. (If I get discouraging news I will be back to my same whiny self so be forewarned.)

Tonight is date night #1. I am making a special dinner for A. and we are going to spend the rest of the evening together, just hanging out and maybe reminiscing together about that magical engagement.

-R.

I Feel Like a Failure

I have started to write this post a few times now. I even wrote something, posted it and then deleted it. There is so much to say and yet I can't find the right words.

My wonderful weekend with A. is over. Back to the real world of trouble in paradise. I truly don't know what will happen with us. What I do know is that I deserve better than being treated like this. I also know that despite everything, I love him.

To add insult to injury I had to get my bridesmaid dress altered today. The fucking dress is so huge, it literally fell off. Luckily for me, my sister is getting big so we were able to switch dresses. Now, both of us have minimal alterations. I guess that is a plus. It took all my strength to hold back the tears. I fear this will be a skill that I will need to get used to.

-R.

UPDATE: I tried something new today. Giving A. his space. Usually after a fight, I call him and email him (so ironic because I am so not a needy person), but today I just let him be. Turns out this was the best thing because he reached out to me. I was able to get some things off my chest that I have needed to say and I think he did as well. I know that in the end our marriage will be stronger, but right now, it seems like we have a long way to go. At least I know, we both want to be on the road.

Why Me?

I have a lot of time on my hands. At first, I thought that being off for the summer would be exactly what I needed to help get through this time, but I think I was wrong. I find myself sleeping in (I am SUCH a morning person) and not getting dressed until much much later in the day if at all and not wanting to do anything. The Internet has been both a help and a disaster for me. I find myself reading blogs of other people and experiencing thier pain as if it was my own.

The tears roll down my cheeks as I read about failed cycles, last chances, empty wombs and overall sadness. It is just so unfair that so many people are plagued by Infertilty. I am most definitely one of them. I find myself reading and rereading stories that cause my heart to literally break into a million little pieces, but I can't stop. I hurt and it helps me to not feel so alone when I am surrounding by so many others experiencing similar situations to me.

Grieving the loss of a genetic connection to my child at 30 years old was extremely difficult. I was angry for a long time (and in some ways still am). Until this last disaster, I rarely asked the question, why me? I just suffered and never really thought about why life continued to laugh in my face. Now it is more personal. Now I am asking that question.

On paper, I am a really good person.
- Loving wife, daughter, granddaughter, sister and friend
- Hard working teacher of children with special needs
- Volunteer time and money to charity

What am I missing that I have done or not done to deserve this? How is it possible that life can be so unfair to so many?

I truly believe in my heart that there is a plan for all of us, but I am not liking this plan. I don't feel confident that it will all work out. I don't feel that next time will have a better outcome. I just feel sad, empty and angry. I didn't think it was possible to cry this many tears, but once again I am proven wrong.

I keep pretending that I am still pregnant. I think about how far along I would be right now and what I would look like and feel like. I am just so unbelievably sad and I can't seem to find out a way out of my despair. I know I can't go on like this for much longer, but right now I don't see an alternative. I just can't seem to find my breath of air.

Life is passing me by and everyone around me is moving forward at warp speed. Why? What did I do to deserve this?

-R.

Still Hurting

I thought I was doing better. A. and I have had an amazing weekend together and I have been feeling ok about everything. I guess should have known better. My sister came by to drop something off and seeing her has made me fall to pieces. She is finally really showing and something about that image has made me regress. I feel like I am right back where I started a few weeks ago. Thursday is my WTF appointment and it can't come soon enough as I need a plan. I guess I need this miscarriage to be over with as well, but that is still a while away. I just want the pain and emptiness to go away. Will that ever happen?

-R.

Nice Day

Today was the best day I have had in a l-o-n-g time. I didn't think it was going to start out well because I had a bit of rough night. I took the last dose around 8:30 pm and went directly to lie down. I watched the movie Fa.me in bed (not nearly as good as the original) and then fell asleep. At 2:30 am, I woke to take my next dose of pain killers, but in the dark I grabbed the wrong bottle and only took 15 mg of Codeine, Not. Nearly. Enough. So, at 5:00 am, I woke up to excruciating pain and realizing my mistake, took the real deal. I was able to fall back asleep for another few hours.

When it was finally time to get out bed, A. and I decided that we were going to spend the day together. He made me a delicious breakfast of banana chocolate chip pancakes (one thing about not cycling or being pregnant is that I am eating chocolate like it is going out of style) and then we spent a few hours lounging outside in the backyard in the gorgeous summer weather. It was both relaxing and really nice. I think we both needed this We even decided that we are going to try and book a weekend away at a nearby resort in the next coming weeks, so stay tuned for that update.

Tonight, we made a delicious BBQ dinner (I'm not really feeling up to going out right now) of arugula salad with a light lemon vinaigrette, lemon marinated chicken breasts, basmati rice with pine nuts and of course, a chilled Chardonnay to drink (another thing I have missed) and if there is room, some Tur.tles ice cream for dessert.



Today was just about us; taking it easy at home, remembering all the things we love about each other and most of all, not talking about IF or pregnancy at all.

-R.

Dr Visit and SJ

This morning I had an ultrasound and blood work to check on the miscarriage process. The good news is that I have passed the sac, however there is still a tissue clot that needs to go. The dr prescribed me another dose of the Mis.oprosal...UGH. At least it is only one more dose. So tonight, I guess I have date with my bed. My HCG is dropping and is now at 1687. I never thought I would be relieved to have a declining beta. I go back for another check on the 13th and if there is still tissue, I will need the D&C so fingers crossed, I pass this sucker and soon.

A. and I had our first appointment with SJ today. I was both anxious and excited as we have been making real progress with our nightly talks this week. Our one hour appointment turned into two and half and I really feel that we both were able to speak our minds and get some stuff off our chests. There were a few things that we both were doing that made the other upset and now that it is out in the open, hopefully this won't happen anymore. We made a commitment to each other that for the summer we are going to dedicate one weeknight a week for date night. We were both really excited about this idea and look forward to our first date night.

I am feeling much better about our situation and I think A. is too.

-R.

P.S. I forgot to mention in my 7 things about me that I am a HUGE Edward fan on pages and Jacob fan on the screen!

Award

I won an award, isn't it pretty?



For this award, here’s what to do:

1. Thank whoever gave you the award.
2. Tell 7 things about yoursefl that readers may not know.
3. Pay it forward by nominating 10 bloggers you’ve recently discovered.

I have to say THANKS to Mel at Broken Eggs, Broken Dreams for the award. It was the bright spot of my day.

Here are 7 things you didn't realize you were dying to know about me:

1. My favourite colour is yellow. It is almost like an obsession actually. The flowers for my wedding were bright yellow roses and my kitchen is filled with yellow items like all my Kit.chen Ai.d appliances and even the table and chairs.






2. I wrote a nasty email to C.BS telling them to keep Victor Newman on Y&R, during the latest contract renewal fiasco (I am convinced it was me that saved him).

3. I met A. when we were both working at summer camp and we first 'hooked up' on an overnight where we were skinny dipping with a group of friends. He actually told this story as part of his wedding speech. The camp director/owner was there and his face turned beet red. Oops.

4. I am exactly half an inch shy of being classified as a legal midget. (The definition states any adult 4"10 or shorter)

5. The only food I am allergic to is rhurbarb, How weird is that?

6. I have had the same group of best friends since high school.

7. A. and I had a traditional Orthodox Jewish wedding.

The 10 bloggers that I am nominating in alphabetical order are:

Built-In Birth Control
Happily Ever After
Journey to the Center of the Uterus
Misconceptions about Conception
Pieces of the Puzzle
Slice of Pie
....Try, Try Again
Waiting in Sunshine
Wanted: One Good Embryo
We Are What We Repeated Do