Thursday, July 29, 2010

12 Weeks

Today I would have turned 12 weeks. Instead I am waiting for AF to show (had some cramping so hopefully this week). Another person congratulated me today at the wedding rehearsal. No, it is not because I look pregnant, but simply because in the natural order of things, the eldest gets married and pregnant first. FML. A. and I had huge dreams of how we were going to announce our exciting news, but instead I held back the tears. The pregnant bridesmaid was there and her belly looked full as she waddled down the aisle. I would have looked like that if my original plan worked. My sister was there with her little bump. I would have looked like that if my second plan worked. Instead, I looked regular on the outside and broken on the inside.

I need strength to get through this wedding on Sunday. Yes, I am so looking forward to seeing my cousin get married to a wonderful guy. Yes, it will be a p-a-r-t-y and there will be a lot of drinks had by me (mostly to show people which sister is pregnant) and yes, I will crying inside overtime I think about what could have and should have been.



  1. That sounds like a really tough day for you. It is very, very difficult to attend happy events when inside you are hurting so much. I hope you find some pockets of time/space to take care of yourself (hey, bathroom stalls do lock, so when you need to be by yourself, you'll at least have that for 5 minutes).

    I'll be thinking of you, hoping that it's not too excruciating.

  2. Sending so many hugs your way right now. For me, with both of my losses, the 12-week mark was the hardest milestone. It's the one you hang your hat on, so to speak, and focus your attention on throughout those early weeks. I've yet to pass it, and at times wonder if I ever will.

    But enough about me. Today is about you, and your little one, and though its hard I hope you took the time to recognize what should have been, and to honor it. You're amazingly strong (dont' you hate it when people tell you that? but it's true) and I have no doubts you will make it through this weekend intact.

    Big hugs,

  3. Weddings are so painful in some seems to make people think that they can ask all sorts of probing and nosy questions. I wish you much strength on Sunday and hope that somehow it is a fun day for you. Hugs.

  4. Big big hugs R...thinking of you this weekend. Weddings, showers, etc...they're all tough. Keep strong dear friend...

  5. Sending you strength from far away. Hopefully, you can focus on the delicious food and surround yourself with lots of single or widowed people to make you feel like you are not the only one suffering. And A better dance with you the entire time!


  6. I'm sending your hugs and strength. I'm so sorry that you have to go through all of this. I can relate all too well to feeling broken on the inside and it's hardest when you are in obligatory social situations.

    Hopefully the food and drinks are fabulous and help!

  7. That really sucks. I'm so sorry and am sending you more hugs. You'll get through this too!

  8. Sending you all the strength I can! Keep the car keys close by in case you need a place to escape to when it gets bad.... I'm hoping things will go easy for you at the wedding!

  9. Oh R, I am so sorry!

    You are a brave strong woman who will get through this wedding. I will keep you close in my thoughts on Sunday.

    I sure hope there is an open bar! :)

  10. R., I know this is going to be a really tough weekend for you. You are incredibly strong and will get through it. I'll be thinking about you.


  11. I will be thinking of you this weekend. Hugs to you.

  12. we'll always have what could have been, though.

    you don't want me to start quoting late 80's pop do you? lol

    i hope you get that joke, but i mean it. we will always have our babies. and i know you aren't christian, im really not either. im such a lapsed catholic its ridiculous. but this website made me feel just a little bit better. just knowing they mattered and people would hold vigil for them? meant the world.
    the holy innocents