Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Of Course

I have been dealing with my sister's pregnancy pretty ok lately. I manage to ask her how she's feeling and we do have some pregnancy talk once in a while. BUT, I am far from ok with all of this. I would be lying if I said that I don't think about this all.the.fucking.time. On the outside I seem to be handling it well, but I do have moments where I just want to scream and cry. In the past week, I have had three such moments.

1. The other night my sister was off to meet some friends from work downtown. She was worried that she wouldn't find a parking spot (only street parking), and my reply to her was, "don't worry, of course you will get a spot, things always just work out for you". She knew as well as I did that I was not talking about a stupid parking spot, but she let the comment go. She pretended to ignore it, but we both knew it was said and what was meant behind the comment.

2. The comment from the other day really upset me. (In case you didn't read the post, someone congratulated me on my pregnancy and asked when I was due. My response was that they had the wrong sister). I should have answered I am almost 12 weeks, but instead I said nothing. I had big dreams of sharing my news with family and friends after this weekend, but sadly that will not happen and yet again I am reminded of that. I will say that since her news has come out, people seem to act differently around me. They are quieter and I can literally feel the pity from their eyes. It is not a good feeling knowing that people talk about you behind your back and feel sorry for you. It sucks actually.

3. Today I was at a shiva house (In Judaism, the immediate family of someone who passes sit shiva for seven days, friends and family come to visit and share memories of the deceased) and I was sitting with my sister and mother. My mother said hello daughter one (to my sister) and hello daughter two (to me). I have never been daughter two. I am older. I know it was just because of the order we were sitting in, but that is exactly how I feel right now. I feel less important. I feel that because I am not pregnant, I am less important. It should be giving my parents their first grandchild, but I can't. I can't create children and I may not be able to carry a pregnancy.

Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself. My cousin's wedding is this weekend and I just can't bear the thought of wearing that dress. the dress that I should have been 5.5 months pregnant and then 3 months pregnant in. Now I am just empty in a dress that was originally my sisters. The ironic thing is that I look around 5 months pregnant in it as it is an empire waist with some pleating that makes the belly stick out. I will need to make sure that I have an alcoholic drink in my hand at all times to avoid future mistakes of congratulations meant for someone else.



  1. I feel for you, R. I felt the same way as my sister-law (much younger) just announced baby number four while I had just lost pregnancy number four. No one asks me any questions anymore. In a way, I feel as if I am the one that is single and not being asked the dreaded question if I have anyone new. I guess it is nice we don't have that to worry about as well.

    Being so far away from family and friends has been a real blessing to me. Sometimes, I take it for granted. More advice: don't wear baby doll shirts. My cousin asked me if I had anything to announce since I was wearing a maternity shirt. I said no. Last time she saw me, it was many years ago and I had no boobs. Times have changed.

    Sometimes I let people know that asking stupid questions will provoke some not so good feelings out. This is totally okay, as they should learn and not do it to someone else as well. I have perfected "the look" and that ends all stupid questions. Next time your sister or family says or does something you don't like, give them "the look" as they should know better. Keeping things to yourself will just make things worse.


  2. it must be so hard. my sil was pregnant at the same time as me, but her son was born the day after the girls, so i never had to deal with the actual pregnancy but i can imagine it is horrible.
    i can say that once the baby is here it will be wonderful. i dont know what it will be like around his birthday, but i know that i can't take anything away from him because of hus aunt's misfortune. you will be eating that little one up.

    it is so easy to feel bad ways when people get preg. when our friends who have been trying for years got preg on their first IVF, T said "i know i should be happy for them, but i can't help but feel disgusted." my response "welcome to my world, babe."

    but i try to remind myself that every pregnancy doesn't end with a baby (HELLO) and birth isn't a guarantee that your little one will grow into a child. there are too many variables in this life and i try (oh, so hard) to keep that it mind.

    I AM SO SORRY that i didn't email/comment about that ass asking you that horrible question. i wish i was there to set them straight for you. i read the post at work and was so sad for you, but i have a job that requires no thinking about personal stuff (such a blessing) and i never remembered to get back to you. people say stupid shit, that's for sure. and it hurts for a while, places you've been, foods you ate. you have enough reminders of your pregnancy without people bringing it up and reminding you.

    sorry to hijack

  3. *second to last paragraph is bothering me. there should be another sentence on the end.

    i try (oh so hard) to keep that in mind. to give thanks for each little life, whether they stay for a while, or are gone in the blink of an eye.

    it sounded like i was happy when people have problems. which i am not!

  4. Hey R...I often wonder how you're doing with regard to your sister's pg. At least after my m/c's I could just sulk without other family members being pg (well except my SIL but her pgs were at different times than when the m/c's occured). I just wish it were different...I really do. But hopefully your blog tonight allowed you to vent. Hoping for some really, really positive news for you REALLY REALLY soon.

  5. {{{R.}}},

    It's often hard for me to be around my pregnant co-worker so I can only imagine how difficult it must be to cope with your sister's pregnancy. I hope it's your turn very, very soon.


  6. R~

    I am so very sorry. My heart goes out to you. My sister has had three children and is three years younger than I. We have never been close, so I suppose that was a blessing. My family actually hid her third pregnancy from me for 6 months... to "protect" me. (Still not sure they would have done when the baby was born?!) My sister also asked to borrow some of my clothes when she was 7 months pregnant for an interview. Yep, she was also the skinny one too. And the thing that gets me the most... is I am the one who has played by the rules.

    Enough about me... just wanted to say that you are not alone. You are a brave strong woman who is dealing with one of the most difficult things an woman can ever be handed. You will survive, and I hope we will all be better people at the end of this "journey" (Or we will all be bitter angry women, but that's another post!)

    Hugs to you!

  7. Gosh, it is just salt in the wound. I'm so sorry you have this constant reminder in your sister. I would be so torn. ((((hugs))))

  8. Oh honey, I think you're so strong to be dealing with this as well as you are. I can only imagine how hard this is for you. My SIL got pregnant shortly after my m/c and it was so tough and I didn't even have to see her since she lives half way across the country....

    I'm sending you huge (((HUGS))) to get you through the wedding!

  9. I am so sorry that you are hurting, and I think you are completely justified. I can't imagine being in your position. I would take my SIL being pregnant over my own sister any day. I hope you are able to get through the wedding with the least amount of difficulty possible. Thinking of you.