I have been dealing with my sister's pregnancy pretty ok lately. I manage to ask her how she's feeling and we do have some pregnancy talk once in a while. BUT, I am far from ok with all of this. I would be lying if I said that I don't think about this all.the.fucking.time. On the outside I seem to be handling it well, but I do have moments where I just want to scream and cry. In the past week, I have had three such moments.
1. The other night my sister was off to meet some friends from work downtown. She was worried that she wouldn't find a parking spot (only street parking), and my reply to her was, "don't worry, of course you will get a spot, things always just work out for you". She knew as well as I did that I was not talking about a stupid parking spot, but she let the comment go. She pretended to ignore it, but we both knew it was said and what was meant behind the comment.
2. The comment from the other day really upset me. (In case you didn't read the post, someone congratulated me on my pregnancy and asked when I was due. My response was that they had the wrong sister). I should have answered I am almost 12 weeks, but instead I said nothing. I had big dreams of sharing my news with family and friends after this weekend, but sadly that will not happen and yet again I am reminded of that. I will say that since her news has come out, people seem to act differently around me. They are quieter and I can literally feel the pity from their eyes. It is not a good feeling knowing that people talk about you behind your back and feel sorry for you. It sucks actually.
3. Today I was at a shiva house (In Judaism, the immediate family of someone who passes sit shiva for seven days, friends and family come to visit and share memories of the deceased) and I was sitting with my sister and mother. My mother said hello daughter one (to my sister) and hello daughter two (to me). I have never been daughter two. I am older. I know it was just because of the order we were sitting in, but that is exactly how I feel right now. I feel less important. I feel that because I am not pregnant, I am less important. It should be giving my parents their first grandchild, but I can't. I can't create children and I may not be able to carry a pregnancy.
Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself. My cousin's wedding is this weekend and I just can't bear the thought of wearing that dress. the dress that I should have been 5.5 months pregnant and then 3 months pregnant in. Now I am just empty in a dress that was originally my sisters. The ironic thing is that I look around 5 months pregnant in it as it is an empire waist with some pleating that makes the belly stick out. I will need to make sure that I have an alcoholic drink in my hand at all times to avoid future mistakes of congratulations meant for someone else.