Tuesday, July 6, 2010

I Feel Like a Failure

I have started to write this post a few times now. I even wrote something, posted it and then deleted it. There is so much to say and yet I can't find the right words.

My wonderful weekend with A. is over. Back to the real world of trouble in paradise. I truly don't know what will happen with us. What I do know is that I deserve better than being treated like this. I also know that despite everything, I love him.

To add insult to injury I had to get my bridesmaid dress altered today. The fucking dress is so huge, it literally fell off. Luckily for me, my sister is getting big so we were able to switch dresses. Now, both of us have minimal alterations. I guess that is a plus. It took all my strength to hold back the tears. I fear this will be a skill that I will need to get used to.


UPDATE: I tried something new today. Giving A. his space. Usually after a fight, I call him and email him (so ironic because I am so not a needy person), but today I just let him be. Turns out this was the best thing because he reached out to me. I was able to get some things off my chest that I have needed to say and I think he did as well. I know that in the end our marriage will be stronger, but right now, it seems like we have a long way to go. At least I know, we both want to be on the road.


  1. I am so sorry my friend. You are in my thoughts and I wish I could be there in person for you through all of this. Hugs my friend!

  2. R...I'm really starting to worry about you. Is there anyway you and A can start couples counselling on a more frequent basis? Thinking of you TONNES!! Hugs...

  3. I saw that you had posted something earlier and then deleted it. It was in my blog feed, but I didn't get to see it. I'm so sorry that things are bad again. You know, I've been telling my DH about your story all along, and most recently about the troubles with A, since it is so similar to our previous problems. The other night, he actually asked me about you when we were lying in bed. Even though he can relate to how A is feeling, he thinks he is taking it a little bit too far. I wonder if it would be a good idea to put our two husbands in contact somehow. Do you think that A would be up for that? I'll have to check with J to see if he is willing too.
    I know that you are strong enough to get through this, in one way or another, whatever it takes.

  4. About the update - that is a great approach. I have definitely noticed that my DH does much better when I give him his space. It is hard for me, because when I'm upset and stressed, I want to run to him, whereas his approach is to retreat. So when I hold myself back and let him come to me, it is always for the best.

  5. Glad to read your update. It is so hard to understand men, but they need their space. We have to learn not to take this personally (I still have to remind myself of that) and find others (females) to share our infertility stories with.


  6. Swapping dresses must have been HARD.

    You are dealing with so much right now...