A New Attitude

Ok, I have a made a decision, I am no longer going to be this whiny, crying person any longer. I am regaining control of my life.

Do you believe it? I am trying really hard to.

***

I had a decent day today. I got dressed and even put on some jewelry and went out into the world. I hit the supermarket...twice and even saw a work colleague for a bit. I then had an appointment with SJ. I always feel calmer after a session with her. Its amazing actually. We talked a lot about how A. and I met. I don't remember if I had written about it or not so if you've heard this one before please skip over.

A. and I had both been working at the same summer camp for years. We knew each other, but because of our age difference (he is 5.5 years older), we didn't run in the same social circles. In 2000, we were both working at camp and our campers were on an overnight. A few staff (A. and I included) decided that once the campers were asleep and there was ample supervision that the rest of us would go for a late night skinny dip. It was then that we 'hooked up' for the first time. I was really taken aback by the situation, but having recently gotten out of a long relationship, it was a very nice surprise to say the least. After that, we decided we should go on a date. It was pretty awkward because we had known each other, but didn't know each other. He picked me up from a dinner party and we went to a part of town that is very pedestrian and quaint to walk around. After an hour, we headed back to his house and 'watched' a movie.

We casually dated for a couple months, but since I was out of town at university, he decided that he wasn't interested in a long distance relationship. I was upset, but not devastated. It was six months before we would begin talking again. We started hanging out in April of 2001 and by May, we were officially and item. It was really cute because I remember him asking me directly to be his girlfriend.

On August 28, 2003 A. proposed. I had been waiting a l-o-n-g time for this. In fact, every night we went out since that May, I thought maybe it would be the night. He knew this, and couldn't stop playing with me. He must have faked proposed a million times. It was so frustrating. I remember our engagement night like it was yesterday. He came to door to pick me up for a date, and he brought me a dead yellow rose. It was a HOT day, and the flower was in his car and couldn't take the heat. I thought it was weird, but nice. He immediately got down on one knee in the foyer of my parents house and as soon as he pulled out the ring box, I said "fuck off". I couldn't believe that after all the fake-outs, it was finally real. I said YES and after an intense hug and kiss we went out. There was a limousine waiting for us, which drove us around the city where we drank some champagne. I remember all I wanted to do was call my family and friends, but he just wanted it to be about us. We finally got to the restaurant and both our families were there waiting to toast us. It was an unbelievable moment. Again, I wanted to call my friends, but he said wait until tomorrow. After dinner we went to the hotel across the street where we would be staying for the night, and he suggested we go to the hotel bar for a drink. All our friends were there waiting. It was honestly the most special night of my life.

I am going to try really hard to focus on the positives from now on. I know that I have been dealt a really shitty hand of cards and I am working through this. BUT- I am not going to let it take over my life any more. (If I get discouraging news I will be back to my same whiny self so be forewarned.)

Tonight is date night #1. I am making a special dinner for A. and we are going to spend the rest of the evening together, just hanging out and maybe reminiscing together about that magical engagement.

-R.