Sunday, July 11, 2010

Two Steps Forward...Two Steps Back

I regressed a bit today. I had two mini meltdowns. First, my stomach has been cramping on and off all day. I would say that I am 90% recovered from the miscarriage physically, but that 10% sucks. The cramps come in waves and they are pretty intense. Out of nowhere it is a real reminder of what has happened. Soon, I will be completely recovered and then this will all be a distant memory faded into the background. I don't want to forget. I was pregnant, even if for only a few short weeks, it was real. People have already moved on and probably expect me to as well, but I just can't. Moving on signifies that it is over. I may never experience a pregnancy again. In a way, I feel like I want these cramps to continue so that I have a reminder of what once was. Other times (like when I am actually experiencing pain), I want it to be over, forgotten so that I can move on.

We spent the day with A.'s family at a friend's country house. It was a beautiful day outside and the two families have spent many wonderful summer days together. There were three young children and one more on the way. That was so tough. I had to put on my brave, sociable face and pretend like it wasn't killing me to watch the happy families. At one point, I needed to sneak away for a few tears, but luckily I was able to recover quickly. That was my first mini meltdown.

The second and final one came in the car on the way home. A. and I were discussing gestational carriers generally and I was able to verbalize how difficult this would be for me. He is not ready to think about next steps, but I need to know all my possibilities even if they are for the far future, it makes the blow easier when it becomes my reality (and it always becomes the reality). I started thinking about how I would bond with the child, and if I would be able to. I realize that it is similar to adoption in the sense that I will have no connection to this child, but will still be able to love it as all adoptive parents do. I guess I am just freaking out. I know in the end if a GC is the route we need to take to have our family, than we will find a way to make it work, but WOW, it is so scary. I don't think I will be able to process that for a while. I hope I don't have to.

I go in for my next (and hopefully last) check on Tuesday to see if I passed all the tissue. I really hope this will be over so that I will be able to start to heal. I truly think, once that happens, the rest will fall into place.



  1. i know exactly how you feel. the days after the girls were born i ached, i bled, i expressed milk. but i felt so close to them-that was all for them-that i hated when it ended, even though it meant that i was healing. i didn't want to heal or feel better. i wanted to hurt because that meant my girls weren't so far away. im so sorry that you are learning what that feels like and that you have gotten this news that could possibly lead you to have to grieve one more loss along this path. i don't believe you will need a GC after all, but i know what you mean about having to know how it would work out and what steps would have to be taken if you did.
    love to you, its so hard to have to sneak away to cry and then re-join the party as if nothing ever happened. i have done that more times than i would like to as well. but dont you think for a moment that i or any of your other supporters will ever forget what you had or what you lost.
    love to you

  2. Just sending hugs R...REALLY hoping that GC will not have to be an option for you but naturally we always think and plan for next step as it does seem to make things feel better when the worst does happen. If it happens...we'll be right here with you.

  3. "I started thinking about how I would bond with the child, and if I would be able to. I realize that it is similar to adoption in the sense that I will have no connection to this child, but will still be able to love it as all adoptive parents do."
    I am giving birth today to twins, via Donor Egg. This has been my fear all along, that I would not be able to bond with them because I have no genetic connection to them. But you know what? They're still from my husband's sperm and they're MY BABIES. They will never have known another mother - I am their mother. The same is true for you. Even though you will not carry them and it is not your egg, YOU are their mother. They are your husband's genetic children, making them closer to you than an adoptive child. Also, the adoptive child had known another mother - this child will know only you. Try to look on the bright is closer to you than adoption, more legally binding, and thank God this technology is available for us at this point in time. It is a blessing and you will be their mother. much love to you.

  4. I truly hope you don't need a GC but if you do it sounds like you're getting to a good place with it. Sorry you're still having cramps....

  5. It's not regression - it is part of the process of haling. Some day are better than others, and that is ok.

    And struggling to move on versus wanting to remember, it is hard to find that balance. But you will, with time. I hope your appointment goes well tomorrow.

  6. (HUGS). Wishing things were easier.

  7. For some reason, men are not able to think about the future as much as we do.

    We saw Avatar last night, I know, most people have seen it already. What a great movie and I just realized there are no babies or kids in it. Nice break from reality. Anyway, thinking of you and hoping things move along quickly.


  8. I think all of your ups and downs are natural and part of a grieving/healing process. These things take time. My DH also refuses to discuss next steps. Maybe it's just a man thing (or an optimist thing in my own DH's case). Thinking of you.