I regressed a bit today. I had two mini meltdowns. First, my stomach has been cramping on and off all day. I would say that I am 90% recovered from the miscarriage physically, but that 10% sucks. The cramps come in waves and they are pretty intense. Out of nowhere it is a real reminder of what has happened. Soon, I will be completely recovered and then this will all be a distant memory faded into the background. I don't want to forget. I was pregnant, even if for only a few short weeks, it was real. People have already moved on and probably expect me to as well, but I just can't. Moving on signifies that it is over. I may never experience a pregnancy again. In a way, I feel like I want these cramps to continue so that I have a reminder of what once was. Other times (like when I am actually experiencing pain), I want it to be over, forgotten so that I can move on.
We spent the day with A.'s family at a friend's country house. It was a beautiful day outside and the two families have spent many wonderful summer days together. There were three young children and one more on the way. That was so tough. I had to put on my brave, sociable face and pretend like it wasn't killing me to watch the happy families. At one point, I needed to sneak away for a few tears, but luckily I was able to recover quickly. That was my first mini meltdown.
The second and final one came in the car on the way home. A. and I were discussing gestational carriers generally and I was able to verbalize how difficult this would be for me. He is not ready to think about next steps, but I need to know all my possibilities even if they are for the far future, it makes the blow easier when it becomes my reality (and it always becomes the reality). I started thinking about how I would bond with the child, and if I would be able to. I realize that it is similar to adoption in the sense that I will have no connection to this child, but will still be able to love it as all adoptive parents do. I guess I am just freaking out. I know in the end if a GC is the route we need to take to have our family, than we will find a way to make it work, but WOW, it is so scary. I don't think I will be able to process that for a while. I hope I don't have to.
I go in for my next (and hopefully last) check on Tuesday to see if I passed all the tissue. I really hope this will be over so that I will be able to start to heal. I truly think, once that happens, the rest will fall into place.