I have a lot of time on my hands. At first, I thought that being off for the summer would be exactly what I needed to help get through this time, but I think I was wrong. I find myself sleeping in (I am SUCH a morning person) and not getting dressed until much much later in the day if at all and not wanting to do anything. The Internet has been both a help and a disaster for me. I find myself reading blogs of other people and experiencing thier pain as if it was my own.
The tears roll down my cheeks as I read about failed cycles, last chances, empty wombs and overall sadness. It is just so unfair that so many people are plagued by Infertilty. I am most definitely one of them. I find myself reading and rereading stories that cause my heart to literally break into a million little pieces, but I can't stop. I hurt and it helps me to not feel so alone when I am surrounding by so many others experiencing similar situations to me.
Grieving the loss of a genetic connection to my child at 30 years old was extremely difficult. I was angry for a long time (and in some ways still am). Until this last disaster, I rarely asked the question, why me? I just suffered and never really thought about why life continued to laugh in my face. Now it is more personal. Now I am asking that question.
On paper, I am a really good person.
- Loving wife, daughter, granddaughter, sister and friend
- Hard working teacher of children with special needs
- Volunteer time and money to charity
What am I missing that I have done or not done to deserve this? How is it possible that life can be so unfair to so many?
I truly believe in my heart that there is a plan for all of us, but I am not liking this plan. I don't feel confident that it will all work out. I don't feel that next time will have a better outcome. I just feel sad, empty and angry. I didn't think it was possible to cry this many tears, but once again I am proven wrong.
I keep pretending that I am still pregnant. I think about how far along I would be right now and what I would look like and feel like. I am just so unbelievably sad and I can't seem to find out a way out of my despair. I know I can't go on like this for much longer, but right now I don't see an alternative. I just can't seem to find my breath of air.
Life is passing me by and everyone around me is moving forward at warp speed. Why? What did I do to deserve this?