I have a lot of time on my hands. At first, I thought that being off for the summer would be exactly what I needed to help get through this time, but I think I was wrong. I find myself sleeping in (I am SUCH a morning person) and not getting dressed until much much later in the day if at all and not wanting to do anything. The Internet has been both a help and a disaster for me. I find myself reading blogs of other people and experiencing thier pain as if it was my own.
The tears roll down my cheeks as I read about failed cycles, last chances, empty wombs and overall sadness. It is just so unfair that so many people are plagued by Infertilty. I am most definitely one of them. I find myself reading and rereading stories that cause my heart to literally break into a million little pieces, but I can't stop. I hurt and it helps me to not feel so alone when I am surrounding by so many others experiencing similar situations to me.
Grieving the loss of a genetic connection to my child at 30 years old was extremely difficult. I was angry for a long time (and in some ways still am). Until this last disaster, I rarely asked the question, why me? I just suffered and never really thought about why life continued to laugh in my face. Now it is more personal. Now I am asking that question.
On paper, I am a really good person.
- Loving wife, daughter, granddaughter, sister and friend
- Hard working teacher of children with special needs
- Volunteer time and money to charity
What am I missing that I have done or not done to deserve this? How is it possible that life can be so unfair to so many?
I truly believe in my heart that there is a plan for all of us, but I am not liking this plan. I don't feel confident that it will all work out. I don't feel that next time will have a better outcome. I just feel sad, empty and angry. I didn't think it was possible to cry this many tears, but once again I am proven wrong.
I keep pretending that I am still pregnant. I think about how far along I would be right now and what I would look like and feel like. I am just so unbelievably sad and I can't seem to find out a way out of my despair. I know I can't go on like this for much longer, but right now I don't see an alternative. I just can't seem to find my breath of air.
Life is passing me by and everyone around me is moving forward at warp speed. Why? What did I do to deserve this?
-R.
I think the internet can be a godsend and also very dangerous--it is so easy to get mired in others' grief and sadness which is good in that you don't feel so alone, but also it just keeps your mind focusing on all the sadness and unfairness of infertility. Maybe just try to see if you can go a couple of days without being online--or limit yourself to 20 minutes a day--and just see if your mind is able to think about other happier things. Believe me, I am NOT suggesting that you just need to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and get on with things--I promise you that. I just think it's hard to feel good when reading about so much sadness.
ReplyDeleteAs to your second part--I think the thing you just have to keep telling yourself is that there is no reason for this horror that is infertility--you certainly ARE a good person but we don't have to look far to see that who gets to be a parent easily has zippo to do with deservedness. I wish it weren't that way but frankly, it is. I keep reminding myself that infertility is a disease--there is science and biology behind it--and unfortunately it's not a curable disease for many.
Just try to be gentle with yourself, maybe take up a new hobby, maybe limit your time reading about IF, and see if life doesn't at least feel a little more manageable. Not sunshine and roses--no one expects that at this point--but manageable. You've been through a LOT.
At any rate, this is just assvice so take it for what it is :) Thinking of you!!
I wish I had the answers to your questions. I am struggling with similar questions myself.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you my friend!
Wow, I love what you wrote - it is so true and so heartbreaking. The above comment was great as well. I need to read that other people are going through crap too and that it is not just me. Unfortunately, it always helps when you know someone has it worse than you do and you suddenly don't feel as bad or question how you can feel that way when so and so has it worse.
ReplyDeleteI always ask the question, why me? As I sit here and look at all the bruises from the Heparin shots and think about the way I was just sent home after a major mistake, I wonder where I get all this courage. Yet, I still keep coming up with a plan and am very thankful I have a great psychologist.
Since I moved out here, it has been a great help to my attitude. Aside from being in the best climate on earth, the koi pond in the backyard has been a godsend. Those fish have really allowed my nurturing side to come out. We also had to buy an aquarium for the more aggressive fish that had to be taken out of the pond. I am allergic to most dogs and my husband is allergic to cats. Fish are so sweet and easy to take care of. I see the way my husband enjoys feeding the fish and it makes me smile. No big vet bills either.
It is okay to update, as you can see we keep reading. I can honestly say that reading some of them (yours and the above's) especially are great because we are similar in doing everything we can come up with to achieve our goals.
However, you need to do something for yourself too. Whether it is buying something little for yourself or going to a Farmer's market to get some fresh produce, you deserve a break. It will take time, but you will get through it.
T
R - Your post really touched me because I ask myself the same question all the time - "why me". I too feel like I'm a good person and have so much to offer a child and it breaks to my heart to know that I will never have one. I had to take a break from blogging and reading blogs because my heart would break over the sad stories and I would be jealous over the good stories. Just take life one day at a time and most importantly take care of yourself first.
ReplyDeleteNo words of wisdom my friend...just hugs. Baby or no baby...you will get through this. That's the only guarantee...one day life will be happy again. That's the only thing that gets me through. Take care...
ReplyDeleteI hear you R! I agree that too much internet can be a dangerous thing - I spend way too much time on it myself and really need to cut back. I think we both need a new hobby maybe. I'm trying to get better about doing my yoga and getting out for walks. It can definitely be easy to sink into the "why me" mentality and I think that is totally normal. Let yourself feel the way you are right now, and it will gradually get better. Hang in there and keep blogging, but try not to get too caught up in all the negative experiences out there.
ReplyDeleteHave you ever read the book "when bad things happen to good people" - it is by Harold Kushner, who is a rabbi in the USA. He asked the same - why me - when his son died. I found this book to be very helpful.
ReplyDeletetake care of yourself!
RJ
I'm sure you know at another level that there is nothing you did or didn't do to bring this set of circumstances on. It may be worthwhile to step back from the computer for a few days and reacquaint yourself with the wonderful person I'm sure you are.
ReplyDeleteUgh...I am feeling the same way right now. There is no good reason--you are a good person and you do not deserve this and it sucks and it is happening anyway. I'm so sorry for your heartbreaking loss. I'll be thinking of you.
ReplyDelete