Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Breaking the Natural Order

I knew this was a possibility and I thought I was prepared, but the news just came and hit me. My little sister (by three years), who is my best friend just told me that she is starting to try to conceive. I knew this was coming. I have been mentally preparing for this for a while now. We are always three years behind each other. We follow the same order. We both got married at 24/25 and started to try at 27/28, I knew this was coming. I shouldn't be upset, I should be happy for her that she is ready to take that step, but I can't help but feel overwhelmed, anxious and upset. Why now? Why one month before my FET? This is the best shot I have ever had to success and now I feel like I have entered a race that I don't want to participate in.

I don't have the right to ask her to wait. I think she has put her life on hold for far too long, but seriously, what's one more month? My sister is an amazing person and a great friend. She has stood by me every step of the way and has been my cheerleader for every treatment, result and breakdown. I know she was waiting for me to get pregnant, but maybe that will never happen so she has to do what she needs to do. This is so fucking hard.

I am not only the oldest child in the family, but the eldest grandchild as well. I should be pregnant first. We planned it this way. We always wanted to be new mothers together, we just wanted my child to be a couple of months older.

Up until now, we have kept our infertility pretty secretive. Only our immediate family knows, but I have an extremely close extended family and they will all know of my failure and infertility if she gets pregnant first. I won't be able to deal with that. I try to keep things private to protect them. I don't think my grandparents (I know I am so lucky to have three grandparents) would handle it if they knew how broken I feel and how many times I have failed. They will look at me differently and pity me. I will not be able to take that. I have put up with a lot and I am a fighter, but this is braking me and I don't know if I can continue to fight. I know its not over, and that I may be worrying for nothing, but isn't it just my luck that it will work on the first try?

I don't want this to change our relationship, but I fear it will. Every time I look at her, I will wonder if she is pregnant. I will analyze what she eats, how she sits and if her hands are covering her stomach, and how she acts. I fear this will put added stress on me that I was so trying to avoid. I truly love my sister and wish only the best for her, which is why I am so scared. I would like to think that I will be able to be happy for her, but I honestly don't know if that's true. In a way this news is so much worse than my stupid fertile friends announcing actual pregnancies. I hate being only the childless one. I hate it. I hate that infertility has ripped my friendships away from me. I hate that I am bitter and jealous. I hate myself sometimes. In the past month, two best friends have announced their pregnancies, one gave birth and my sister is now trying; how much more am I expected to take? So much for being positive!



  1. i dread the day that my sister starts and she is only 25 and not even married yet, but i know exactly what you are saying. im so sorry that it's happening now, i wish the world could just stop for us, wouldn't that be awesome?
    it is so hard to think positively some days and we just really have to try. i am having a very rough day, sometimes it's nice to know that we don't HAVE to be positive all the time. bc you know what? IF SUCKS and im so over it

  2. I just found your blog and I could so identify with your post. My sister is 3 years younger than me and has 3 children. I was able to figure it out each and every time, before she had even taken a blood test. Her last one was the worst, our grandfather passed away and she told me that is was going to be my turn now. Grandpa was in heaven and he would send us a baby. She was knocked up again the next month.
    So I feel your pain sister, I really do. Hang in there though ~ we can't change it. I've had my freak out's on my sister over her ability to just make a baby whenever she wants to and I don't recommend them. I was not a part of her second pregnancy until she was 8 mos. I just couldn't deal with it and I regret that now.

  3. i hope that you and others won't be hurt by my earlier post of the evening. i tried to find your email to ask you. i dont want to seem all "i know all about pregnancy and I WAS pregnant." just trying to explain. let me know what you

    and you can delete this if you want :)

  4. That sucks. Giant monkey balls.