When I was at my last session with my social worker, she asked me how I was feeling towards my friends. My response was ok. I am trying to not isolate myself and am even making plans to see people. I am in a pretty good place, as I am finally in a groove where no one in my immediate circle is pregnant. Well, that isn't actually true, A. has one cousin, and there is the bridesmaid and a good friend who lives out of town, but no one in my direct local circle. I realized that for one whole month, no one was pregnant. I guess it had to come crashing down eventually.
I spent the day with a close friend today shopping and hanging out. It was nice to get out of my funk and spend some quality girl time with her and my credit card. I even allowed myself to purchase clothing - something that I love to do, but since TTC, don't really do anymore. This friend has two girls (4 and 2) and I think of them as my nieces. She also has suffered two ectopic pregnancies in the last year (the first one being the day after my chemical pregnancy which I got the call about at her house while I was comforting her about her pregnancy). I know she has wanted a third child and that it has been a struggle for her, but there are two major differences between her and me:
1. In the past year since we both lost our pregnancies, she has conceived a total of 3 times while I have conceived 0 times.
2. She has 2 beautiful daughters at home.
In the car on the way home from shopping (I am driving) she tells me her great news. I am less than excited and my congratulation's probably showed that, but it did not stop her from going on and on and on about this for what seemed like an eternity. I am finding it hard to hold back the tears. I can't believe this is happening to me. This friend knows about my IF struggles and is almost up to date with the situation (knows about CCRM IVF, not DE). I can't believe that she truly thought this was the best way to tell me about being pregnant, she didn't account for my feelings at all. She knows how much I want one child, and how hard and long I have tried, but still no regard. It also bothers me because she is only six weeks. She is not telling anyone else. Why the hell is she telling me then? It is not fair to put the burden of me keeping a secret and not having anyone to grieve with. I am angry about this.
This is one of my closest and oldest friends and we have been through a lot together which is why I am in shock of how she treated me. What does she expect from me? That I will be there to pick up the pieces if the worst should god forbid happen, because right now I am not strong enough for that. I can barely get myself out of bed some days and other days I feel like I daze through the day holding back the tears ready to crumble at the smallest inkling of bad news. I am truly happy for her and wish her nothing but the best and a healthy easy pregnancy, but I just can't help thinking that this was selfish of her. I dropped her off and as soon as the car pulled away, I started crying (bawling actually). It lasted for fifteen minutes straight and then on and off again for hours. I was worried to tell A. that he would think I was overreacting to the situation, but he was surprisingly comforting and agreed that it was not right of her.
At least that was one good thing to come out of this.
-R.
this is such a burden on you, i agree. i don't understand why infertility isn't seen as the heartbreak that it is?
ReplyDeletei think it's because the lucky can't understand and we can't say anything to make them. they all still think if we relax enough it will happen. assholes.