I have been in a funk lately. On and off for three years actually. I have moments where I feel totally deflated and defeated by my infertility and then I have moments where I can go out and live like the rest of the world (well almost). I have decided to try and rejoin the living. Over the years, infertility has affected me in ways I didn't even realize. I have a decreased libido, my clothes and wedding rings don't fit the way they used to (I think I have gained 15 pounds), my thoughts about my job and career are different and of course, my relationships with friends have been tested.
This weekend I had enough of letting infertility run my life, I was going to take it back. The first step, reconnecting with A. I have been on edge lately which hasn't been easy to live with. I am moody, emotional and erratic at times, I honestly don't know how he puts up with me. I am also extremely sensitive these days and the jokes and comments that are said to lighten the mood, just don't. They put me in funk for what seems like days. Thursday night was my mikve night. It was special as I got to incorporate another custom. There is a belief by some, that say if you dip in the water directly after a woman in her ninth month of pregnancy, it should bring you that extra special blessing. My friend (who is having her fifth child any moment), just happened to be available and we went together. It was spiritual, and meaningful and put me in a positive mood. I believe it started me on this upward positivity. I went home to A. ready to be together. I feel like often our intimacy has been tainted by trying to get pregnant, that we or I have forgotten what it was like to just have fun. Well, I remembered. I am still remembering. In fact, this weekend I have remembered a lot.
I am smiling for the first time that I can remember and it feels great. I am so hoping this trend of happiness and enjoyment and calm continues. I know that this month leading up to the transfer will be stressful at times, but I am going to try and be optimistic and hope for the outcome that A. and I so desperately want.