Hidden Feelings

Tomorrow will be first E2 and lining check at my local RE's office. I am very nervous about this, because I am hoping that my lining will magically be at 8, even though the nurse told me it will be much lower. I just really want my body to surprise me in a positive way for once.

I am also nervous because my sister has to take me. I don't get my license back until Monday afternoon at the earliest, so she has offered to drive me at 7am for the appointment. On the hand, it is so sweet of her to offer. I know that she has no ulterior motives, other than being a great sister, however I am so apprehensive to let her do this for me. In the past, I have opened up to many friends and have even allowed one to drive me to an appointment on occasion, only to find out that they were pregnant at the time.

LT and I have been friends since kindergarten and best friends since high school. We spend a lot of time together both in person and on the phone. Every weekend we go for early morning brunch while our husbands are home sleeping and we are both so open with each other about everything...or so I thought. I started TTC six months before her wedding. At that point, I was very open about what I was experiencing and going through. She knew the day the RE told me I needed to start injectables, and the day that I learned about IUI and even drove me to a beta test on occasion. Yes, she was a close friend. I felt so comfortable sharing my deepest secrets and fears with her and I truly felt like she 'got it'. BOY WAS I WRONG.

Eight months after her wedding, I got OHSS and a false positive pregnancy test. The RE tested my HCG too early because of the OHSS and they told me I was pregnant. She was with me when I learned that the test was negative and I allowed myself to cry and express my what if that was the only time I will ever hear the words, you are pregnant? To say that was a rough time for me emotionally would be an understatement.

LT would also discuss her fertility quest. She would mention how she had long cycles and how she feared she would be on her way to my path of IF. I tried to be supportive and give her advice, many of which was not something I was told, but would have benefited from. She pretended like she was interested, but never followed through. It was upsetting for me, as I was annoyed that she would spend so much time bitching and stressing about her fertility, while a) I was living the nightmare and b) not following through on my suggestions.

I remember the next part as if it were yesterday. We were in the car driving back from a weekend at the cottage (where she was sick most of the time) and she was asking me when I would find out if I was pregnant (I was gearing up for a first IVF that would later be cancelled due to poor response). I should note that my friends all expected to be called the minute we got our BFP/BFN results. I made some comment about how when she gets pregnant I think I deserve the same courtesy and should be told immediately. She went silent. A minute later she announced that she was nine weeks pregnant and scared to tell me. She had completely made up the infertility fears because that was easier for her.

I just froze, said a quick congratulations and then cried for 3 weeks straight alone. I was unable to tell A. about this news and I felt completely alone. Not only did she hide the fact she was pregnant, she made up infertility. This has changed our friendship completely. I spent a lot of time being angry and hurt by this. Anyone who has experienced infertility knows how scary it is to let someone in, and when you do and get burned it is the worst pain in the world. It took me over a year to begin to heal and move on and today almost two years later, she has a beautiful one-year old son and thinking about a second, while I am still fighting the battle.

I will say that I have put my anger aside and we are close again, but our friendship is different now. We speak once or twice a week and rarely see each other. I am very guarded around her and I feel she is the same around me. It sucks. It is another thing infertility has taken from me.

So I am in a what could be similar situation and I am petrified. I am scared to death that my sister, who has been my rock will betray me (obviously not in a malicious way). If I allow her to enter my IF world, to find out soon after that she was/is expecting, I am not sure I will recover. I don't want to fight this fight without her, but I am just so scared that our relationship will change and not for the better. I hope with all my heart she gets pregnant...just let be after me.

-R.