It was bound to happen. Last night, I had the biggest What If freak out to date. I have been so focused on bringing home a baby, I haven't given much thought (conscious thought) to how the baby was going to get here. I am a fighter and a problem solver. When we first started TTC, it was me that pushed us to the RE after a very short time. It was me that insisted on starting IUIs, and it was me that decided it was time for IVF. I don't give up easily. I was upset and scared when we moved to each step, but we just knew it had to be done. Now it is a different story.
I wasn't ready to give up on my dream of becoming a mother, so again it was me that pushed for donor egg. I knew this would be our best chance to conceive and A. agreed. I don't think I focused a lot of what the donor part meant. I would remind myself how I would experience a pregnancy, and become a mother. I never allowed myself to think about the ramifications of this. Until now...
Lat night A. and I sat down to watch a movie. As the opening credits were rolling there were some names of the actors that I found funny. I said casually to A., "maybe we should name our child Rusty". Well, this turned into a discussion about names for our hypothetical children. I found myself getting very worked up and upset realizing that I wanted so desperately to have a connection with my child and that the only connection I could come to terms with would be the name. To say I was hysterical, would be a serious understatement. I was yelling, and crying (at no one) about how my child wont look like me, or have my genes. I will never have that moment that I grew up with, the one where people will come to me and say how much my children look like me (I am a mini version of my mom and this happens to us a lot). This upsets me.
Maybe it is the hormones of my period, or the estrogen or the emotion surrounding the cycle, I am not sure, but I am a mess. I haven't stopped crying since last night. I can't stop focusing on my lack of connection to my future children. Everyone says that once you hold that baby in your arms, you forget about using a donor, but I am not sure I will be able to forget? How can I forget that for three years, my sole purpose in life was creating life? This baby is so wanted and will be so loved, but will I be loved in return?
Why is it that every time I try and be hopefully, it grabs me by the head and throws me to the ground?
-R.
oh no! You asked "will I be loved in return?" Yes. yes you will. if you are a good and kind and loving mother, then yes you will. i think it is normal to have these question s- donor egg is a lot like adoption, and you need to think about these things. but will your child love you - that's easy. yes he/she will.
ReplyDelete(((((hugs)))))
and p.s.- yes it totally is the hormones fault.
Hi R...I have had and still have freak out sessions with regard to conceiving using DE. I urge you to read "Mommies, Daddies, Donors & Surrogates" by Diane Ehrensaft (bought it online amazon.ca). It explains those freak out sessions and our anxieties about the challenges parents of DE children had prior to conception and the challenges throughout the child's life we MAY encounter that the gift of DE brings. But what you had last night is 1000% normal and unfortunately necessary as you grieve the loss of your genetic connection. For me, I guess I have come to terms that dealing with the freak out sessions is less scary compared to imagining a life without children regardless of genetic connection and just not ready to throw in the towel yet and thus move forward with DE. But you are grieving and it has no timeline and comes and goes when it wants to. At times its ugly yet necessary but read the book it helped me to recognize those anxieties and work through them. Sorry hun...take gentle care.
ReplyDeleteLisainSK
I have been there as well and will lilely return. When I realized this was the only option for me - I focused on the statistics and got excited. I remember when all of it sank in -I cried all night.
ReplyDeleteBe kind to yourself - you have been through alot in such a short amount of time.
Hugs,
RJ
I'm so sorry for the freak out.
ReplyDeleteI know, too, that whatever children I have will not have any genetic connection to me. And this weekend, while home, my Mom and I went to the library and the librarian said "You and your daughter look exactly alike!" My mom just smiled and so did I...and inwardly I thought "no one will ever say those words to me, ever." It's overwhelming, I know. But I agree with Pie--you WILL be loved in return and you will have a beautiful connection to your baby that goes well beyond genetics--it is fierce love and determination and FIGHT to get him/her...so so much more than most parents ever do.
Hugs.
I wish I had some words that would comfort you right now but sadly, I don't think I do. I will say that I think you are doing the right thing by asking yourself some tough questions. It's better you surface those now so you can really dig deep and find some inner peace. Sending you hugs.
ReplyDeletei just want to give you a big hug. and also tell you that i understand. it is a reality that my lefty won't last forever and i could be in your position very quickly. that being said, i haven't had to confront this issue head-on as you are, but i have certainly given it much thought. and all i can say is its so unfair. IF has taken so much from our yesterdays and our todays, i hate that it has to affect our tomorrows too. i wish that you could flashforward and see how happy you will be with that child. i know that all of this worry and upset will melt away. please don't take that as me trying to be dismissive, because i see what you are missing out on, i do. and i think it FUCKING SUCKS. but at the same time, i KNOW you are meant to be a mother and to your child, the one that will be born of your heart and your body. and not all of raising children is genetics, *last-chance-ivf, listen up* children are also raised with their mother and father's voices, their mannerisms and their body language. so one day someone could say that your child looks just like you because they are making that face you make, or twirling their hair like you, or sound just like you.
ReplyDeleteplease hold on to the positive...im there for you if you wanna chat xoxo
dude, my comment sounded kind of demanding LOL
ReplyDeletelast chance and r
i wanted that to sound hopeful and happy so both of you could see that you will be having children who are more like you than you think. love you guys xoxo
Definitely read the Mommies Daddies book and also "Having your baby by egg donation"
ReplyDeleteAre you absolutely sure that you are ready for this? It sounds like you are still working through a lot of issues and maybe stepping back might be helpful? Just an observation...I hope you can find your inner peace and be ok with this - your child WILL love you and DE will not be a huge deal and all-consuming throughout the rest of your life as it is for you now.