It was bound to happen. Last night, I had the biggest What If freak out to date. I have been so focused on bringing home a baby, I haven't given much thought (conscious thought) to how the baby was going to get here. I am a fighter and a problem solver. When we first started TTC, it was me that pushed us to the RE after a very short time. It was me that insisted on starting IUIs, and it was me that decided it was time for IVF. I don't give up easily. I was upset and scared when we moved to each step, but we just knew it had to be done. Now it is a different story.
I wasn't ready to give up on my dream of becoming a mother, so again it was me that pushed for donor egg. I knew this would be our best chance to conceive and A. agreed. I don't think I focused a lot of what the donor part meant. I would remind myself how I would experience a pregnancy, and become a mother. I never allowed myself to think about the ramifications of this. Until now...
Lat night A. and I sat down to watch a movie. As the opening credits were rolling there were some names of the actors that I found funny. I said casually to A., "maybe we should name our child Rusty". Well, this turned into a discussion about names for our hypothetical children. I found myself getting very worked up and upset realizing that I wanted so desperately to have a connection with my child and that the only connection I could come to terms with would be the name. To say I was hysterical, would be a serious understatement. I was yelling, and crying (at no one) about how my child wont look like me, or have my genes. I will never have that moment that I grew up with, the one where people will come to me and say how much my children look like me (I am a mini version of my mom and this happens to us a lot). This upsets me.
Maybe it is the hormones of my period, or the estrogen or the emotion surrounding the cycle, I am not sure, but I am a mess. I haven't stopped crying since last night. I can't stop focusing on my lack of connection to my future children. Everyone says that once you hold that baby in your arms, you forget about using a donor, but I am not sure I will be able to forget? How can I forget that for three years, my sole purpose in life was creating life? This baby is so wanted and will be so loved, but will I be loved in return?
Why is it that every time I try and be hopefully, it grabs me by the head and throws me to the ground?