A very good friend of mine also suffers from Infertility. Actually, two years ago, I thought she was the worst case scenario (I have now far surpassed her). She was able to conceive a son through IVF and he will be two years old in December. Her journey to motherhood wasn't easy. It was filled with BFNs, two miscarriages, two IVFs, uterine bleeding which started at twenty three weeks, a six week hospital bed rest stay and finally birth at twenty eight weeks. Her son is healthy. Tonight as we were talking it came out that she has never done an FET. I know that she has some embryos frozen from her son's cycle.
I keep thinking about my ideal family; it would consist of three children (two girls and a boy - same as how I grew up). My plan (oh I wish I could make plans) would be to have the children two years apart. In my circle of friends, that seems to be the common spacing. So I now I am thinking about my friend, why hasn't she done an FET yet?
Is it possible that I am so focused on the one cycle, that I am unaware how much stress I am under? That maybe my view of motherhood and the ideal family is altered because I haven't reached a goal of becoming a mother, but once that happens I will be content and fulfilled with one child? I honestly can't think about how I would feel having only one child when right now I am struggling to have one.
The scars of Infertility run deep. It may just be that once the dream is finally achieved, I may learn that my ideal family is finally formed.
-R>
I definitely think infertility alters our "ideal" - and it makes it much harder when you hear fertiles complain about how the timing of their children wasn't ideal or whatever they complain about.
ReplyDeleteI know that being pregnant gives me a huge sense of relief that the treatment part is over (for now) and I can't say I would want to rush back into it, but everyone's path is their own!
I think about this too. "Ideal" becomes one of these things that gets throw out the window when IF really sinks in. At least for me. I would like more than one, but given how long it has taken me to get to this point, I'm not sure if I'll get the "ideal" of 3 kids either. My dreams have been paired down, for sure.
ReplyDeleteI once had the "ideal" family picture like you, two girls and a boy - just like my sisters. Now, ideal is more than a dream; it's a challenge.
ReplyDeleteI know for me...one will suffice. Only because it was so darn hard to conceive one! I am terrified of pg too (only because of another loss...used to be terrified about labour/deliver...pft...piece of cake I think!!). But here's hoping you'll have this nice dilemma to deal with very, very soon.
ReplyDeleteI sometimes feel guilty about not being happy with just one b/c I know there's so many struggling for one child. And many people are content with just one, why can't I be? It's not my choice, that's why. I've always pictured at least two children and my son having a sibling. My heart aches for our family since it's not complete. I hope u can have as many children as you desire.
ReplyDeleteI always swore I wouldn't have an only child (I was one), but if I'm ever lucky enough to have even one, I'm not sure I'd want to go back to the madness of IF. I also think that I'll treasure every moment with my child that much more because of all I've been through that I think it's very possible I won't be able to picture myself with another child.
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I have struggled with this too, R. I always "planned" on having two. Now I don't know if we'll ever have our one miracle. I've spent a lot of time thinking about what it means to have an only child and wondering what that family would look like. But then I think to myself that I would be so grateful if I could have just one. I hate that IF has forced so many of us to change our "ideals" in so many ways.
ReplyDeleteI think I'm the opposite. I've always thought I would only have one child, and lately have started thinking about having 2. But I realize that we just have so little control over all this stuff, that maybe there's no point in trying to plan it. I think that no matter what we end up with (meaning you and me, R...), it will be just right.
ReplyDeleteHaving suffered IF and having one child, I too would like a second. But the desire to have a second does not compare to the desperation of trying have the first. Now I am a mother. I live that experience every day. I come home to a child for whom I have a most intense love every day.
ReplyDeleteThe idea of having a child can be far different from the reality. Your friend may not want to have two so close in age. Even knowing that it might be hard and time consuming I did not TTC the second until the first was almost two because I wanted them to be at least three years apart. Giving the child I already knew the chance grow and florish without another on his heels was still a priority even knowing I might not be able to have a second child. Then there is the time and money that the second may take away from the first. If you have a limitation of either it is hard on the child you have already. If your friend were to have problems with a second pregancy it wouldn't just be herself that she had to think about, who will take care of the older one? Thus, the wait or choice not to have second child under such circumstances may have nothing to do with her ideal, but reflect her reality now. The intensity of love for the child you have may overcome your desire to imagine a perfect family of more children.
This post is interesting to me because I am such a planner. Indeed we banked cycles in the hopes of having an insurance policy for future sibs. And even now, I am always talking about "the next one". My husband just gives me the side eye when I say such things, since, you know, until a person HAS one, they really can't know if they would want more than one.
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