My friend Lis just found out that her husband is going away for several months. Please go over and give her some support.
Monday is going to be a big day. It is my hysteroscopy. I am so hoping and praying and hoping and praying (repeat this another thousand or so times) that everything will turn up normal and that there is no reason to think that my uterus was at fault for the miscarriage. I really want to try again to carry a pregnancy. I want to experience the movement, the bonding and almost all parts of bringing a baby into the world (not so keen on the painful labour part). I hope that meeting with the dr face-to-face he will have some more ideas about what went wrong and what we can do differently for next time. Please let there be a next time.
On the one hand, I want a different protocol. I need to change some of the variables, but then I get scared. It worked. Just not for long enough. Why change the protocol? I am just so torn because I don't know what caused the miscarriage and since I will never know, I just have to trust the medical experts and that is why they make the BIG bucks!
Monday will also be the fifth time to Denver in the last 13 months. That is a whole lot of Denver time. Last summer I was so filled with hope as I headed out to Colorado and now I am filled with fear. I truly believed that I would be in a different place after my ODWU last July. In a way I am, I am grieved the loss of my genetically related children and have moved forward with DE, I am just not ready to grieve the loss of my uterus.
Monday will also be my sister's 18+ week ultrasound. I can't believe that we are in this place already. She has decided to find out the sex of the baby and this terrifies me. As the oldest child and grandchild, I had always pictured my first child a girl to follow in my footsteps. If she brings the first girl to the family, I may break even more than I already am. My dreams are crumbling around me and I can't do anything to take the pain away. Day to day, I am handling this pregnancy ok, but in my alone time, I just want to explode. It just isn't fair.